The emotional state of grievence

“It’s no longer a death sentence, you can live a happy and healthier life.” When your newly introduced to hiv, that’s what they sit down and tell you, it’s the opening pitch to a surreal reality series that has taken a seriously wrong turn. I remember getting that speech and kinda feeling your actually saying this to me like I can just live life normally again. I happened to be working and went outside and I got a call asking me if I had received any services, been seen for my new hiv status, I told her I had been seen, and she just talked to me going over questions and I felt that I was holding her hand and walking her through it even though she had talked to people before.

The thing that I think that stood out the most was that I even though I had heard the line it isn’t a death sentence anymore I told her, emotionally it was. I don’t feel that there is a key prime focus on just that, what we go through in that moment, of what’s next. Just being aware of a crucial part of your job, to De-escalate any bad thing going on in our heads. All we have ever know is Hiv/Aids this grand monolithic monster that once it has a hold of you it never let’s you go. People run like it’s an invasion and so much has changed, I won’t deny that, but what never changes is being told you have Hiv and how it becomes that moment when everything around you stops and just dies all at once.

What should always be the focus is how to address the emotional needs of the person right then and there. Even if someone doesn’t want to talk, have a counselor or on site therapist just in case. I have read accounts where people just felt abandoned when they were hurting the most. I feel that with bringing more people to the light of Hiv that we don’t loose our humanity in the process, we’re not just numbers and statistics on your screen were people seeking long-term care. Before you use the line it’s no longer a death sentence, how about you address how I and so many others feel instead.

Why i disclose

It’s amazing how that becomes the new contract you didn’t ask for. So after experiencing the standard you go around spreading aids then I realized that between that and his criminalization which I will hit on later, here is what I decided. You need to get to know me instead of doing all the work for you. It’s never a bad thing to show first hand this is who I am and this is what your getting, that especially comes into play when dating. Now a days we move at such a fast pace everyone wants to know everything upfront and it doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for the basic let’s go out and do something. The problem with disclose is that you never look at the fact that I want something real and honest with you and try to start something real, I don’t disclose to be rejected or have people have tell you some fisher price pre-k crap and then it leaves me wondering why I said anything in the first place.

When I disclose Ito like showing you my house I want show you around and hope you like what you see. This tour is not for the purpose of you vandalizing where I live. ¬†When I disclose I’m confident in who I’am that even though it took me sometime to get there I not going to be dragged down by people who live in fear, who want to make me feel like I did something out of the normal then everyone else. Disclosing for me has nothing to do to with you, even though it feels good being able to get that out of the way. It’s not something to take lightly either, if you happened to be in our shoes always having to make this a subject of discussion so as not to have to have time wasted on either side, I would hope for the same amount of respect or more cause I have just done most of the work for you.

Disclosing is very much personal, it means I have to be vulnerable to your opinion of me even if I care or not. I can be as hopeful as I want but people still need to grow up and I hope it doesn’t take a couple hundred years to see were all people and it’s all good.

We are all Kings and Queens!

It’s a bold title I know, sometimes it’s hard to think what is the best possible way to just be encouraging, to be upfront to show that even in our brightest and darkest times we all matter. To be honest I’m going to be myself and sometimes it not always going to be what you want to read, yet I hope that even though I don’t have as much content as other blogs and I will work on that as I go. I was very much encouraged to start a blog by someone who has sat, been real and listened to craziness for some time, so I want to give back.

I’m 31 living in Arizona and I’m going to bring my own perspective on things dealing with hiv, so with my Disclaimer: I’m not an advocate or an activists, I’m trying to find myself and elevate myself and whom ever my words come across.

To all my Kings and Queens out there, I say to you, that’s what you are, your more than your diagnosis, age, and condition, we’re a community of elegance and intrigue, warriors and knights, we are light and darkness but most of all we are elevated to Kings and Queens, why? No matter where we are in the world we a amazing in what we do to make a difference both in big an small ways. You are the long time companions, the mothers, daughters, fathers, sons, husbands, wives, families great and small who have survived and shared so much and put much more on the line just to have a voice.

To me your royalty, something that not everyone can live up to, we shoulder great life tasks and look forward to the day when we can all retire our crowns for our work is complete. Until that time hold your crown high with dignity, look forward and continue onward changing the world one split second at a time.