It’s a long title this time, I have been thinking about what it means to have a doctor in my life, someone who will be monitoring my health until his is cured. Yes I’m going in that direction, thinking on that day of when I wake up pull up YouTube and just see the news that there is a breakthrough and cure on the hiv virus that causes aids. Since my doctor is more than I see you when I have the flu I have been thinking in terms of what have we learned and what strides are we really taking to helping those who do not know they have this condition get help. Sometimes I don’t think we are really doing enough, when we get a routine check up, why doesn’t it include screening for all STI’s hepatitis a,b,c? Do they practice it in some areas and not others? I feel that if new changes are coming what are we really doing to protect others from innocently contracting hiv, if more people know there status because we made it a health and safety issue then people know what to expect it’s true what some of the more well know hiv bloggers say there is a fear of knowing, cause knowing changes your universe. With more information out there I think the medical community should step up with some new protocals.
For me I was feeling sick and couldn’t get into me doctor, pre-diagnosis, I thought it was the flu and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and to be honest with ever hiv story that I have read since then, that has been the case. I was at urgent care and they didn’t know what was wrong and now thinking back on that, why in the medical field did we stop looking for what someone wrong with people, when did we stop getting down to what it is? A lot of people in the medical profession are doing a lot to bring more information to more and more people. The point I’m trying to make is it really needs to be a standard of medical care, something that your insurance is going to cover in the first place. Taking steps to say that’s the health care I should have, a patient shouldn’t always have to say I need to be tested, it should be done.
I recently got some running shoes and I had thought about a lot about what to do next, last year I was listening to 92.3 ktar, that’s our news station in Arizona, last November they were talking about the aids walk and it really got me thinking that I know I can’t single handedly change the world but maybe doing this walk helps me remember that no matter how I feel some days I’m still a part of the community. There have to be days that I don’t even feel any connections to much even though I need to, so I have been dire straights to find something that complements me. Plus it will help me with my asthma so it’s a plus, the world is big enough to accommodate me too.
We are all strangers and yet in one way or another we look to change that, looking to get to know people and see what we have in common. Still we have that stranger mentality, that I can drop you and forget that you even exist if I don’t like what I see. It’s a raw deal to be in a community to where we look at people as just as strangers and not with the realism of hey could be friends or something more. I hate seeing that there is more closed mindedNess that keeps us divided. I’ve become more of a straight forward person over the years, I don’t like the tiptoe or staying silent. The thing I laugh about the most, is that people cast their net in a kiddie pool, when there are bigger pools waiting and you never know who you can get connected to. You can’t just dazzle people off of what you have if they feel your a creep. Thats a big thing now and it doesn’t take much to end up in that catagory. Me, I just feel that if we hoe checked people playing games, got people to start being more realistic about their expectations name then we would move towards no being so closed minded about how we deal with people. Also I have seen the Craigslist categories on missed connections, I have read them and it tells me one thing, we don’t take risks about finding out if there is a real connection. We dont, it’s about I saw you wearing this or I saw you somewhere and you know if your interested maybe we can go from there. Dude, if no number gets exchanged or and info to reconnect with that person it’s not a missed connection it’s a missed opportunity plain and simple. Stop hiding yourself on trivial things and start being serious. In my universe, not only do I have to show myself from time to time but I also have a extra responsibility of being careful that I’m health for sex, and that I’m at low risk for any possible transmittion, being that I take my medication. One thing I would like to stress is that, if we living with hiv manage to go about our daily lives finding the right man or woman who wants to be with us for who we are and not just about our status. The only way to have better things in your life is to stop making things difficult in your universe and accept some people you usually wouldn’t give a second look because people surprise you all the time, and strangers, well strangers don’t have that, strangers don’t get that, they just keep looking.
Clean the new version of discrimination against anyone that has hiv. Hiv is making steps in the right direction to a cure, yet what about people’s response to hiv, it’s changing and I can’t sit back and ignore how we can be so passive to the pain that that word causes, I know that people want to use that as another variation for saying hiv negative, but that’s not what anyone gets told when they get that news, you don’t get handed a bar of soap and say that’s what you need to be all clean. Your all good, it’s time that you and everyone else that comes to reads this, and stops letting people decide how we get treated, how we get discriminated or how we are allowed to be loved, and cared about. For me I’m not going to let that slide anymore, I’m not going to allow the word clean to be a process used against myself and others like it’s a job application, and that’s how I feel when I see that word, it’s a job application I have to apply for to get your attention.
I’m ignoring that every time I see that word, cause if I have to get used to hiv being a part of my life, so should others. At times it still takes some getting used to saying I have hiv, even sometimes to strangers that I try to be friend. We need to find more ways to meet each other in the middle. We can’t always take the easy way out, and we need to stop trying to.
Their are way to many moments in my life that it just seems that if I open my mouth it just goes bad. Now a days I never understand what passes people off or what alienates them. It always makes me wonder what does it take to just have your own needs, to get some straight talk, I’m tired of getting to a point where things get ugly and I’m always apologizing for things that can easily be fixed with talking. That always seem so to be the one thing that people refuse to do now a days, just talk. If anyone including family says something I don’t like we have an adult conversation. So where are the adults at? Who really understands this need? The need to talk without judgement, it just not there anymore.
I look at this picture now that I’m doing a lot more work just to start up conversation, I don’t work in phx anymore and you just want anyone to remember that you exist. Life is a huge game of get noticed, getting lost in any and everything that shines and I don’t want that, cause I don’t want to live under unrealistic expectations of what it’s like to have your own. Some days you need to be your own best friend, cause knowing what you want and being realistic about it is what counts. The saddest thing is that we just don’t see that bigger picture, I get tired of people giving up and going dark at the first thing they don’t like. So I know I have to be enough.
This conversation is a long time coming, Hiv has been put on a shelf and not really incorporated in real life let alone relationships to the degree it should be. I first brought this up months ago to a friend in California who is dating and has had sex with people with his partner, granted the sex would be unprotected based on the fact that in standard fashion asked if he was clean, I hatme that word and will address that later. It got me thinking how many couples really take the time out to have a sit down adult conversation about what do you do, if or when one or both contract hiv. It is the single most important conversation that you hope you don’t have to revisit. In today’s society if you don’t have it or don’t know anyone with it, you don’t worry about it, why?? Cause people aren’t dying left and right like they used too, it’s not on the airwaves sending mass panic.
Hiv in our generation doesn’t have the same impact like it used to. The most important reason to know all you can about hiv and sexually transmitted infections is that it’s about protecting all that you hold dear, your health, your future, your husband’s, wife’s future as well. Right now all I have seen is the selfish factor grow and grow. Where we throw so much caution to the wind and common respect for others have just all but vanished. Hiv is on the rise along with other diseases. One thing that should have a bigger focus is how well you take care of yourself and whoever you in a relationship with. Hiv doesn’t need to continue to be this huge stigma driven shame elephant that we put on people’s shoulders. If we’re are serious about talking about hiv and getting in front of it, brining it into the light then we have to be serious about making sure we have that talk sooner than later, man, woman, monogamous, polyamorous, whatever. Just do the work, yes I said it work, that’s what relationships tend to be and you don’t get paid for it, but you do get something hopefully healthy out of it. It’s not just enough to know your status, it’s a great catch phrase but like all things if there is no action it’s just an after thought. It’s really never to late until the other shoe has dropped so start early, start now, talk to your partner and good health to you.
It’s been on my mind for some time and it’s time for clarification. What is preference, and when is it being used properly? In my set of circumstances you learn that the final print of having hiv can put you in that category sometimes. It’s used to narrow down the field of what you want and let others know don’t waste your time. Here is what it has been used for most commonly, race. I can understand the need to narrow the playing field but it’s really being used to send, spread, and continue, racial tensions. It’s more and more common to see that your not wanted based on your race. It’s really disgraceful that it’s seeped into various communities looking for the freedom of acceptance and yet taking that away from others.
I have always seemed to ask when someone isn’t chasing the social norm or dating in their own race I’m surprised to find that there is no real easy answer. This I do know is that at least including myself have dated outside my own race and the only preference the ones that count are the ones that don’t put race in it. I can understand age, how much hair or smooth, job, education the physical build and height and let’s not forget either being hiv negative or having hiv. There is plenty of choice right there to choose from, the key is that people need to be way better then the norms that they are used to being around. Times have changed they are adapting and they really need to adapt across the board. Most, well a lot of people really aren’t interested in changing or really realizing that concepts like this are needed. That’s why there is so much change going on right now, showing that division minimizes the ability for people to see other possibilities in their chances for relationships.
Nothing is too unrealistic, and most times we hope that by narrowing down what we want means we find it, most times people do, I still realize that people still have a measure of fear when it comes to different circumstances in their life, when it comes to it, don’t narrow your choices expand them don’t let your preferences take away something real.