Finding a safe place

This was not the post I planned on writing, I am feeling like shit emotionally, right now, I am sitting in my room, I feel like i want to shut the light off and sit in the dark. I am listening to Blue Hamilton’s music from his Radio Flyer EP. I find that i just need the music, to cope past needing the sex, feeling the hurt. I had made a comment on Facebook that turned somewhat into a fail, some people have put the thumbs up and then I have gotten some comments, they are not all bad, i just feel so self conscience about it, no I feel that way because i don’t have someone to talk about it and laugh about it.

I feel the weight of it, I have been really aggressive with my fingers these days, I don’t mean to, I just feel backed into a corner, have you ever felt that everything you say leaves people looking at you as though your stupid and lack any type of originality?

I don’t even know why I am hurting, people say things all the time with zero regret or remorse, I respect it and just exercised my right to ignore what i don’t feel the need to comment to. I have come to understand that under this new climate we are in, safe spaces to express ourselves truly become few and seem to be shrinking daily.

I admit I am feeling the eyes, shade and rejection on me, I realize that I cant hide form words, even when they come from all over the screen. Its common when I don’t realize the joke is on me and yet I fail to see it. The sad part about all of this, is its nothing really to be upset about, I can and should move on, i just know I hang on, when you have had, experienced so much letdown, negativity or worse, depression at times feels like a default setting, that I wish to unsubscribe from.

what can i be thankful for today? How about looking at the fact that I still got thumbs up, I am working towards getting a job, and also focusing on a career. I can look at myself in the mirror, and that I am fighting for respect and love. The person i should love should be myself first, just like the principle of paying yourself, don’t neglect your self-worth its easy it happens all the time. Find a safe place where ever that exists, don’t crush your spirit.

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Between sex and love

I felt as though there was someone calling me out of my sleep, not the type of morning I intended to have, I checked my tablet to see my mail, got an offer for a three some last night that I didn’t see, I was sleeping. There are moments that have me wondering how these people know each other, how can they pull a 20 year old out of thin air? I realize then I am getting off track, my goal is to stop needless sex, the kind that doesn’t get you a relationship or the guy that I am after. My goal always seemed to find the a great looking genuine redhaired guy date settle down get married and all that jazz. Doesn’t always go down that way, when sometimes you find better men than I originally thought.

Call me crazy, there are days it really does not move me to want sex with just any guy, I want E.L. I have wanted him for some time, I don’t see him as someone filling in for who I really want. I have felt over time that I desire him and want to be with him. I have not thought that far ahead as to what’s next if he doesn’t want me either, it can happen, I personally wouldn’t want that outcome. That’s why I feel it necessary to move out of the sex catagory of my life. Sex has been fun, I just want to know a balance between love and sex, know the difference. Just have one person to go home to, learn to date without sex, learn about someone and be OK with that, not have Sex define my relationships with people. How freeing that would feel, I will have to touch on Sex and race soon too, it’s been a hard type of situation to deal with as well.

What am I doing with my emotions

In my mind I think that i maybe acting rational, I know that, it may not be the case. I think I am loosing my edge on reading body language and social cues. I am projecting my fear on to someone I say I care about, he doesn’t understand by my behavior why I am texting him somewhat crazy. Also he doesn’t really ask either and I know that bugs me to, not because of anything i gave or did in his behalf, I just don’t feel as though we are communicating enough, that it has me questioning where I stand with him. I thought I said enough to take care of this, but maybe I didn’t I don’t know.

It has me thinking why I can get messages from R.W. even though we are just friends, I interact on days I may not be interested, but that can be a good thing, the second I put that situation to a close I wonder why I am not getting that with him. It hurts, and I feel like I am forced to step back because I have no direction to go off of, when it when it comes to E.L. I don’t want to end up being like every other guy, a fuck boy, they fun guy your fuck because that is what they are there for, the momentary pause in between finding what your really looking for. E.L. did say he would date me again, so I hold onto hope, cause my situation with guys is pretty epic dog shit, now before i scold myself to hard, I have next to know dating experience with people in general, how to act how to chill out, when people are being real and when they are not, I do not enjoy feeling as though I have no idea whats going on. For me its one thing to flirt, or hook up, its another thing entirely to wonder whats going on

The fine art of Patience

Patience, there is a reason for it, when I meet my therapist and I know that I have codependency issue I know I need to evaluate why that is. I heard for E.L. today, that put my mind at ease, In my mind it registers that he is dog tired and traveled most of the day and you would think i wouldn’t freak out. I do, and that is my own insecurity, I have many, who doesn’t. I was interesting that I saw a meme on my facebook feed and it was talking about not blaming the world for our problems, its a horrible thing to do that we need to fix our problems, and I see some truth in that. There are things that we can fix, issues that we need to fix.

I am not a patient person, I live in a space in my head that wont let me feel at rest when I do not hear from someone, I immediately feel i did something or said something I shouldn’t. I have certain approval issues, all pretty much men related in some categories of my life and in general wondering if I even exist. Most of the time I just depressed and very tired, I have been laying around a whole lot being unemployed, I think with this time out, and more reflection what I really needed to see was patience in changing myself and my situations.

I want to be great, epic even if possible. I want to have love and meaning behind those precious letters, love. I need to not fear what will happen next in my life. When I see others, I still see them better than myself, It hurts and its maddening, because I feel that my life would be better, for me I have felt as though I am not much of a man, that i am not important or less useful because I am not married with kids. So patience, its what I need to build me up, be better feel better so that I don’t doubt my worth or how to take chances and and strive to be better.

Can a Beast be a Prince?

why choose such words as these, this topic has been burning on my mind for a while, I wonder what I happen to be doing, am I making the right choices? Are these emotions I feel one sided or is there some there. When i jump in I try to be all in, I want to believe that i am not looking for an exit strategy, that I am all alone in how i feel. Its been that way so many times for myself, the ones i give my raw emotions to are the ones that are out the door before i know it, the ones that feel some feeling towards me I don’t feel it back, I happen to be on to the next. Being single and having a negative outlook has one wondering when will i stop hunting, and devouring?

What can I do, and how do I act when someone make’s me feel like i have come alive for the first time in years? How should i react when our timing is always off and no one has replaced the hole, I just want to step out from the fear of having love and knowing that, it changes you for the better at times. Have you ever found yourself that listening to music that uplifted you, music that captured the moments closets to your heart? Someone that doesn’t leave you feeling as though you ruin your life just by existing. When I talk i feel as though I am letting all my fears go, even though I am so unsure that I am truly being heard. I know a guy, he makes me want to put a ring on it, change everything I have been so scared to face alone, has me thinking he might very well be the one.

Alone with myself

Tonight nothing happened and I had made arrangements and it didn’t happen and strangly I am relieved even though I will be feeling like I am on the hunt again tomorrow. I don’t understand how I am not completely turned off by now. I know it leaves me restless and in dire straights. I live in fear of every time that I am not looking I am missing out, missing a chance. The only thing I am missing out on is the chance to heal and make progress. I know I say that now, but it is true, I want to feel good about myself and not feel dejected because I want unhealthy sex, the kind that leaves you feeling empty hollow and mummified at the end of it, how any encounter has me wishing I was watching porn instead. I can nail these amazing looking men, from smooth to hair, young to daddy types, husky, toned, and muscular, and never really appreciate any of it.

I just can’t wait to walk away and shelve the experience right off a cliff, then wonder why I hurt so much emotionally. I have very limited outlets for expressing this misery I live in.

Sheen of the Meds!

I don’t have any criticism and i feel that nor should I be trying to look for any. When you think about the situation that is why those living with hiv clearly need protection. He should have been able to live in peace, not become this suedo advocate for a community he really does not belong to at this time, maybe in general. The big issue now is that what he is choosing to do affects the community, not in a good way, in a very damaging way. The thing about going public with certain issues is that you get your eye poked.

Now there is a need for damage control and moving on towards showing and displaying the need for equal protection for those living with hiv so that they in turn can seek medical treatment in privacy and peace. Treatment is absolutely vital for the overall health of anyone living with hiv, lets move forward not backwards.

My Sexual Addiction

For so long i did not realize that I had a serious problem developing in me. This clawing urge for sex, i remember my first sexual experience, how often i wanted it, how i couldn’t wait to have it. I did not realize a lot of the things that i was doing to myself. I had a hard time trying to function because i wasn’t engaging in sex. It has been my outlet for virtually everything, being frustrated, alone, I would have sex until i burned out, partner after partner, as many as i could have. I had a ten year break so i often wonder if my addiction still counts or if that was sobriety, excluding the masturbation?

I just remember meeting a young guy on CL in my small town I was twenty-nine at the time, I just felt like i couldn’t keep a lid on it anymore. I had sex with a guy who topped me and usually that I did, right on the apartment floor in the next room with a people in the living room, I took off my glasses in hopes that I would not be recognized in the future. In my head i should have never been there in the first place, it had people in there. I just knew that once i started I was on a roll.

So now I talk it out with a therapist and unfortunately he has to tolerate my extreme horny nature, being 32 has me feeling that I don’t want to be centered around sex with nothing to show for it. No healthy relationship, single ans screwing around, I would prefer that not be the reason why I exist. I would love to get a handle on this, work more on myself and live for the thrill of the game of who is sleeping with who, no one really cares except how your going to treat them.

Nothing but Joy

I will have joy, I am going to make that happen, I have always felt that this was out of reach, it took me way too realize that you hinder your own dreams with negativity. That had me attracting half of what I thought I wanted. Yet would have me confused about why I was not making the progress I wanted to experience, life is a forward moving experience. My life has had doubt and plenty of missed chances, At this point I choose to take joy by the hand and run as fast as I can. So I got back on the stick with writing, not just exclusively to my blog, also I have received encouraging pep talks as well. Who doesn’t need that from time to time? I needed to change my mind frame, which was really essential for me. I have had a go getter attitude towards work, but not towards working on me. I baby coddled myself, I have been alone for a long time and I just got used to it.

I decided to take the choice out of it, get up and just take. Life gets better when you make it better, outlook and actions.

2016

Its the start of a new year, I don’t want to spend that time just wondering where my life is going and how I play into it. I realize that I have been caught up in the emotional tornado that is life, it can pick you up and throw you around. I think I wonder when I will really work on me and give myself a chance at actual survival. What this year should mean to me, that i don’t get myself caught up in more epic levels of racism. Just because the world has gone off the deep end i should not be ready to stand in line with everyone, peace i wonder where that is actually at?

I woke up this morning at the grocery store of life, everything at my finger tips and not exactly clear as to what is going to go in my shopping cart. I know I need to check my shopping list again. Everything i have been putting into cart has not really worked out for me. One choice at a time, that is what it is going to take.

I have not made one choice that I did not see it going bad because I put it in rotation, I will not make myself grow into a better person, I have to want to be that person, for me its going to have to be a want. I will not type these words like a vow and stick to it. I desire love believe it or not in this go out and get it climate. Life is tireless work of energy and reward, effort and maintenance, confidence and determination to see that pot of gold flow over until you cant carry it anymore.

I’ am so guilty of not reaching my full potential, for being drastically lazy, I was not put on this earth to just feel like killing over and dying. I don’t want my figurative house to look like a flat billboard, I want four walls and love inside of it. So grow and adapt is what i will have to do. The truth is that 2016 is going to be a harder year than this one, things are bad and they continue to escalate, Things in life are harder to find and harder to keep, I wonder when it will fall apart,  I am not going to pretend that I don’t see what direction things are going in, yet wall this time I have sacrificed so much to still end up empty handed.

“2016 raise your head.”