This was not the post I planned on writing, I am feeling like shit emotionally, right now, I am sitting in my room, I feel like i want to shut the light off and sit in the dark. I am listening to Blue Hamilton’s music from his Radio Flyer EP. I find that i just need the music, to cope past needing the sex, feeling the hurt. I had made a comment on Facebook that turned somewhat into a fail, some people have put the thumbs up and then I have gotten some comments, they are not all bad, i just feel so self conscience about it, no I feel that way because i don’t have someone to talk about it and laugh about it.
I feel the weight of it, I have been really aggressive with my fingers these days, I don’t mean to, I just feel backed into a corner, have you ever felt that everything you say leaves people looking at you as though your stupid and lack any type of originality?
I don’t even know why I am hurting, people say things all the time with zero regret or remorse, I respect it and just exercised my right to ignore what i don’t feel the need to comment to. I have come to understand that under this new climate we are in, safe spaces to express ourselves truly become few and seem to be shrinking daily.
I admit I am feeling the eyes, shade and rejection on me, I realize that I cant hide form words, even when they come from all over the screen. Its common when I don’t realize the joke is on me and yet I fail to see it. The sad part about all of this, is its nothing really to be upset about, I can and should move on, i just know I hang on, when you have had, experienced so much letdown, negativity or worse, depression at times feels like a default setting, that I wish to unsubscribe from.
what can i be thankful for today? How about looking at the fact that I still got thumbs up, I am working towards getting a job, and also focusing on a career. I can look at myself in the mirror, and that I am fighting for respect and love. The person i should love should be myself first, just like the principle of paying yourself, don’t neglect your self-worth its easy it happens all the time. Find a safe place where ever that exists, don’t crush your spirit.