Alone with myself

Tonight nothing happened and I had made arrangements and it didn’t happen and strangly I am relieved even though I will be feeling like I am on the hunt again tomorrow. I don’t understand how I am not completely turned off by now. I know it leaves me restless and in dire straights. I live in fear of every time that I am not looking I am missing out, missing a chance. The only thing I am missing out on is the chance to heal and make progress. I know I say that now, but it is true, I want to feel good about myself and not feel dejected because I want unhealthy sex, the kind that leaves you feeling empty hollow and mummified at the end of it, how any encounter has me wishing I was watching porn instead. I can nail these amazing looking men, from smooth to hair, young to daddy types, husky, toned, and muscular, and never really appreciate any of it.

I just can’t wait to walk away and shelve the experience right off a cliff, then wonder why I hurt so much emotionally. I have very limited outlets for expressing this misery I live in.

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