Have you ever

There are times when I found that I can quite possibly not be the best person to articulate my opinion, that is fine to me and that works. I understand that not everyone that I at one point have a reoccurring hookup that I really should not be talking to after that. Yeah that defeats the purpose of meeting someone of some general substance and seeing where it goes.

Me I am that Scorpio, that wears his emotions and like Grey’s Anatomy my heart tends to be in my penis, I am working on the transplant for that. Not to long ago I had this ok threesome, and to be honest cause you can’t always choose to be that way in real life, I just wanted to post my thoughts right here. For some there is always a say something not say something moment and that’s cool.

So here is my problem, after telling one of the guys I don’t bottom cause I was not about to let this guy fuck me, one it was supposed to be a spit roast, and two I was not into the other guy fucking me. Here is why I saw his dick game and I was like nope…I had been sucking on his nipples and lubing his cock into a hand job but he was really into how I was at his nipples, trust me its a tip and gift don’t knock it until you try it, men love that too not all but some.  So we get into it and its going ok, until someone comes buy and we have to get dressed and it was a whole thing for a minute. When we get to the point that we finished I got my clothes ready super quick and got the hell out, I did not want to exchange numbers with a dude trying to fuck a crater into my ass.

Later I am talking to the dude who invited me over, and to me I was giving him props for taking a pounding the way he was and enjoying it, he happens to like rough sex, I don’t its not my speed or sex appeal. It just so happens that apparently without me knowing he is taking offence to a comment about me not wanting a guy to murder my ass. He said it was a dumb thing to say and the timing was fucked up, so I said sorry and once again I felt pissed off about saying that.

So, then why say it then? Even though he knew what I meant and that he experienced bigger and rougher sexual partners, I am not one of them, and instead of being understanding like I would be in a situation like that, It seriously turned off by wanting to talk to him any further than that. I have gotten fucked by a guy and when they actually do it well sometimes it doesn’t hurt not nearly as bad as it can. It also helped me to realize through that conversation, that’s why we fuck and we are not really friends and I wont develop any further than my dick inside of you.

We judge alot and I see that I drive dangerously, not as responsible as I need to. Talking to him had me feel like pure shit about myself it was not comfortable. In those moments, I feel as though that’s when I want more, I need to get up and want that too. It’s this rat wheel cycle of spinning in suspended animation, no one should want that. I hope to reach better goals soon.

Simple rant

So yes, I happen to be that current unemployed guy, who keeps putting in those applications and seems to not get much traction with it, I am sure I will.  My biggest problem right now is family dynamics, it’s easy to say we love our family and we bump heads alot, right now we are under one roof, and even though I am unemployed I seem to get alot of stuff to do, most of which I do without being asked. My dynamic with my mother seems to be the worse, no matter how many skills I have its just not enough, I am horribly tired of feeling that I have to be on the defensive and ready to wave her away from my personal space because she doesn’t do a damn thing to learn to be self sufficient.

People need to stop saying they are independent if they are looking towards my skills for something they could pay and learn about, or go to one of those home Depot classes. My lower back has been hurting for days, and it’s a bit much today. I feel it in my right kidney, and it’s uncomfortable to move. Every time I have to deal with her I appreciate I suck dick, I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone of the opposite sex, especially if I have to deal with getting no help from a woman either, this is not a jab at women as a whole, we as men and women just know what we won’t tolerate in each other.

Me in the people department is not going really well either, I think I am ignoring my feelings because I don’t want to get more hurt than I already feel right now. When I try to engage in conversation with E.L. I feel as though I am gettin put off, everytI’m I think we are good and that we could get closer, it’s like the chain on the door that only let’s you see so much, but still keeps you left on the outside, that’s where I feel I am. It takes me back to the same beginning questions, is it my race, my age, my housing situation, is he embarrassed of me, or is he scared of telling me he isn’t into me? For a time I thought he might be married to a guy he used to date, I just didn’t know what to think because he just won’t give me much. Then I feel nothing but insecure, having to deal with all of it at the end wondering what’s next. It’s not easy feeling a connection to someone, and then wondering what’s going on. It’s always two ways with people either love is easy or your fighting for it, and to be honest I don’t get it.

I know that between fighting with family and not gaining friends or potential people to date I don’t feel really good I feel depressed. That’s why I don’t like trying to sell myself, that’s not how you get to really know anyone, that takes time, somethinks I feel as though I am running out of.

Race to the other side

Sorry I know I have dragged my feet on this post, to my surprise it can be a challenge to talk about race in a way that people will sit down read and be objective to. Race always sounds like the nuclear option when it comes to most things in life, its not like a stick of dynamite, it is full blown warfare unfortunately. Every time I see something on it, its always about how we as minorities, people of color need to get over the situation and stop being victims. Then I feel inclined to say, then get along and learn about us, then the bullshit on my credit card hits the max legal limit and then I come to understand that you don’t want to and that’s sad.

It has me wondering, how do you expect us to get over our views of you when you refuse to stop putting us in a position to where we are always the problem. Its the same thing look at what we do, get violent, loot, and burn stuff down, um how about you look at your carbon foot print and check your karma report on life and history before you tell me how destructive people really are.

When we fight for our right to exist and live we are animals, you defend you right to do anything, its survival of the fittest, when it comes to breaking laws, as long as no one gets hurt no crime exists. I don’t understand how that works. It has to be under that privilege that we all talk about going on. Here’s how that does to we all have it, no race is immune from that, that is always on the table at all times.

I will say this, as much as people do not enjoy being called to the floor for their actions be aware how you call us out, its been very enlightening on how incredibly stuck we all are on this, when we say matters involving race don’t exist. Since when, who feels safe? What are the circumstances surrounding that so called safety that people think they have? How can people tell people of color to pick themselves up, work hard and earn a living, when cant I open up a newspaper and still see atrocities go on and on. How can we be the most powerful country in the world and be this damn ignorant, and overall blind to others?

Race will always be an issue for those who cannot adapt past the level of a primate thinking. How is it that I can still have supposed freedoms yet people are still telling me who I am, judging me under a different kind of microscope? I wonder how I can be a man an be judged on something so fleeting as my skin? How is it that I cant even watch porn without seeing the racism in that?

Look I am not a thug,I am a person not a fetish to order for your pleasure, I hate that crap labels follow us around like we own it and I am sure there are several people who don’t choose that lifestyle either, yet your stuck on how we need to be that, to either get you off in a fantasy setting, or prove we are self destructive and as i said before no good. Well I guess we learn savage tendencies by the best examples around.

As for me, I am an adult, regardless of the fact that I have penis, that I am black, or that I am gay, make it work, I am hung not Mandingo and it has never let me down, also I should not have my choices or rights diminished because you can go down a check list of reasons why. I choose who I like because I have options, I am not limited like others choose to be, and that is sad, because there is so much variety out there that alone give me reason to appreciate life in general, not all the bullshit of date in your own race. What kind of horseshit is that….I am being serious. I want to love and love hard. I want real progress and that comes in the form of learning to see people as just that people. Not just their faults or cultural differences, but people who they are and what they can accomplish.

The biggest thing lacking that makes people great is respect, that is what makes people great, that is what accomplishment looks like, this melting pot that we speak of. If we mean it people need to start applying it, stop causing your own divisions, when people learn to get along. I mean that, your own divisions, the ones you cause by opening your mouth and adding nothing but garbage truck juice to quiet street. Stop taking freedoms for granted, others have not caught up to us, but more to the point others have far exceeded our level of peace.

My race to the finish line is passing that line where I have nothing but choices, people to truly appreciate and a new stronger viewpoint on how I should really treat people, with respect.