When straight acting has gone all kinds of wrong

Disclaimer

This topic is a bout straight acting and my corresponding feelings on the subject, I understand that people will always feel one way or another on this subject matter, so here is my take I talk about adult subjects in adult language and sex is right up in it, understand that what I write may not be for you, thank you for reading.

 

What is this deal with straight acting, I feel it has become a life of its own, upon me the gay community and how “straight acting” has taken on a life of its own. For most if not all of my life I have just been lost on the concept of sleeping with women, the whole transition of I can have the “D” but also come home to the “P” and have no guilt whatsoever about who I have sex with, why, because I could have it all, and even if I was more attracted to guys then I was with women I could always keep my options open, who would not love that?

Then we really have to come to the perspective, that gay men live in this atmosphere of straight acting, like the second they settled on a penis that their masculinity became invalid. Tell me what is the point of being a full on gold or silver star gay man if you have to be straight acting, that is the community motto? That is Palm Springs that is the new White Party? No, the more I had some time to self-reflect on how I am living my truth, my life and I will be completely honest, sex addiction aside, I want “the pussy” yes I said it, in Lafayette True Blood voice, yes in all that glory. Baby I have been on my back with a guy eating me out having my eyes roll back and I have been totally thinking about how this feels on a woman, are her breasts to my liking, do we have kids, a nice house and is our marriage stable? Mind you the sex was defiantly on point, for me I know talking like that pisses people off.

When people are not all in for the community it is a national scandal, you cannot be that gay man trying to sleep around with woman, it’s as though you are breaking your gay vows. I do not understand this, yet there are a good number of things about people and their sexual personalities that I do not get. I understand this notion though, I am getting laid and I know that I don’t have to worry about catching feelings because when we are straight acting there is very little truth to who you or I have to be. We fuck and you leave, no number no kik, snapchat, or twitter on this. When I am over here wondering why I a relationship alludes me is because I am too busy not living my truth, that I envelope a level of insecurity that is at the top of the totem pole of who we think we are. Not everyone needs to prove I am still one of the good o’l boys because I can still have woman fall all over me, and give her a false sense of hope, well congratulations on that.

When I sit here writing this out, I look at straight acting as a high sense of entitlement, that I have a new tool to berate those that don’t measure up. Masculinity has always been on the attack, part of the war path. There are times that I feel that I am not allowed to learn or explore what heterosexuality means to me and how it can be a real part of my life. I am too busy trying to pass of as straight, yet that is a problem that has never been corrected, it is one thing to have layers to the LGBT community, yet it is so fractured. It is one thing to have these letters stand for something, but now it feels like they want to stand for themselves, break off and but as much distance as possible and have no bad press associated with it.

4/26/2016

It can be a challenge to wake up and feel motivated towards anything now a days. It is a daily battle to keep myself going, to feel like I matter, to not take so many things personal or as an attack on my character personally, that can be quite difficult and at times it has been. I have had this urge to hate my life so much that I have just wanted to end it. Long before I had hiv and coming to terms with that, navigating what I perceive is a book on life on how to find your way. Finding that there are so many levels to life and the things you have to deal with day to day.

Fighting to stay off anti-depressants, that has been a complete chore, my visit to my therapist have become frequent, to be honest I feel that I have to be cautious around him to, around so many people because I never know or understand that what I say and how I say it will be taken, I feel it is literally a life or death sentence that will keep me free or have me locked up because I lack the intelligence to keep my life in order. I struggle to have meaning in my life and I know that may sound quite stupid, most people have their life together, most people have that path that a first glance has everything going on for them, it has always put me in a position to wonder why my life sucks and when if ever will I have my own life to be proud of.

Don’t get me started about the fact that I am single and have not had the courage to be better about it, that I know I am struggling with sex over intimacy, that I have felt that people don’t like me and really don’t have an interest in getting to know me as a person. I admit I need some serious work in that area, I have to be reasonable that not everyone is attracted to people with low self-esteem. It does go back to having pride in ourselves, I was not put on this earth to please other people I have to say it is unrealistic. Everyone has criticism yet so few people have realistic solutions, we judge and we throw the book and the stones hard on ourselves and others. It always feels at times that I have no idea who I end up offending or on the outs for saying something that I did not understand was a bad thing, I have enough rational to understand that people are strangers that it takes time to get to know people, I try to make an effort to be transparent I don’t want to play games I don’t need to play them, that should be the point being an adult.

All I have ever wanted in my life is love, just someone to call and wake up next, to, feel a strong bond and honest connection to I feel I have too much to give to the right person, I know I am lazy towards that, I know that I am so scared at putting myself on the line again and again, feeling that I am empty handed, watching people live their dreams and just being so bitter about it. Feeling so angry I just wanted to kill the concept of love entirely, it became so maddening that no matter where I turned love was for everyone but me. Most of my music is longing for love and sex, two opposing passions and yet so raw and primal at the same time, it’s deep and has layers.

I just want to feel that I am succeeding in life instead of feeling like all is fail, so I need to keep this quote in mind. Dark Squidge aka Tomska said a quote I could not help but need to put out ther again, failure isn’t fucking up its giving up.

04/12/2016

At times the hardest thing I find about writing is trying to keep what I am feeling organic, have what I am feeling make sense. Lately I have felt more lost that usual, when I look at people now a days I wonder what happened to my life, I wonder where the drive went, I wonder why I just became unhappy so many years ago and it truly never went away. People are doing things accomplishing things in their lives and I wonder why I am still so very far and left behind. My life has not just sucked it has felt like a punishment that never seems to go away or change the way I need it to.

Potential, it’s a wonderful thing to have and display, yet I find it utterly useless if it does not have room or opportunity to grow. The environment has changed, life has changed, there are times that I have never wanted to end my life more, or felt so epically bitter and driven to hate, feeling emotionally raped over and over again. I feel surrounded by individuals in my place of worship and I feel as though I am trying to figure out why am I back here again. What do I contribute again, I feel lost and I am being passed up all over again stuck in this weird time loop that I would rather not repeat. I feel like I really don’t know what to do, how to change it, or how to make it better.

Life in this time, is hard and difficult, it is not simple anymore, it’s just not only more chaos today than has ever been. I felt that if I could get my life to straight path it would be so much better, I would understand my life better; I would be on the same page as everyone else it is what I wanted. I wanted to understand why my life was just out of my control, once I understood I had a sex addiction it really made sense, at the same time I still felt that crippling loneliness. That has never really seem to go away, no one to share my life with, no one to give me that reason to date again, no one to give me that feeling of making the best choice of my lifetime. Not having any of that is really discouraging, I does not have me feeling that life is worth living, in fact I wonder why I am living at all, I wonder how my life makes any profound difference, when I am living with Hiv, I am black, I am gay, and I am trying to keep myself spiritual and develop a worthwhile relationship with my God without alienating him, looks like my deck is stacked with all sorts of goodies.

World at War

Every passing day there is a war on something, war on religion, war on race, war on income inequality, war on gender. There is nothing but war and it will take a whole lot for things to get better, for there to be a way to bridge all of the gaps that should not be there. I feel caught up in that war, always wanting to express my opinion and yet want to stay neutral. To be able to do that it means I must bite my tongue even when I know I am in the right, even when my feelings are on the line.

There is a fear out there like no other, a fear of more change, being left behind, not mattering any more, not feeling equal, no longer making a difference. Some days I wonder how we are all of God’s children and yet we resist seeing that we are brothers and sisters. It seems that, the very thought of that is irrelevant; it does not matter anymore, that we are being driven to a breaking point that we cannot escape the collapse of reality that is around us.

War it’s what we know it’s in our streets it is becoming our very nature of life, we bring terror upon ourselves, we are faint out of fear looking for a way out, looking for a better way to connect. I feel like I am loosing myself every time I make a comment to explain or defend something because the oppression just does not let up. I feel like I let my own spirituality down, every time I respond and forget who I am and that I am supposed to be promoting peace. Getting caught up in all of this, and it makes no sense, people are too stiff neck to just listen, to be in the wrong, to take the higher road, to be scrutinized, to understand, to make a difference.

Instead we go to war, about who contributes what, who has my values, who God blesses, and yet miss the point of life in general. It is our imperfection, and understanding what that is and how it applies to all of us and speaking to each other with loving kindness. We don’t have those things, we have hate, being unthankful, harsh, greedy, unkind and uncaring, lacking goodness. I know these things and have so much to work on. Humility makes the world better.