At times the hardest thing I find about writing is trying to keep what I am feeling organic, have what I am feeling make sense. Lately I have felt more lost that usual, when I look at people now a days I wonder what happened to my life, I wonder where the drive went, I wonder why I just became unhappy so many years ago and it truly never went away. People are doing things accomplishing things in their lives and I wonder why I am still so very far and left behind. My life has not just sucked it has felt like a punishment that never seems to go away or change the way I need it to.
Potential, it’s a wonderful thing to have and display, yet I find it utterly useless if it does not have room or opportunity to grow. The environment has changed, life has changed, there are times that I have never wanted to end my life more, or felt so epically bitter and driven to hate, feeling emotionally raped over and over again. I feel surrounded by individuals in my place of worship and I feel as though I am trying to figure out why am I back here again. What do I contribute again, I feel lost and I am being passed up all over again stuck in this weird time loop that I would rather not repeat. I feel like I really don’t know what to do, how to change it, or how to make it better.
Life in this time, is hard and difficult, it is not simple anymore, it’s just not only more chaos today than has ever been. I felt that if I could get my life to straight path it would be so much better, I would understand my life better; I would be on the same page as everyone else it is what I wanted. I wanted to understand why my life was just out of my control, once I understood I had a sex addiction it really made sense, at the same time I still felt that crippling loneliness. That has never really seem to go away, no one to share my life with, no one to give me that reason to date again, no one to give me that feeling of making the best choice of my lifetime. Not having any of that is really discouraging, I does not have me feeling that life is worth living, in fact I wonder why I am living at all, I wonder how my life makes any profound difference, when I am living with Hiv, I am black, I am gay, and I am trying to keep myself spiritual and develop a worthwhile relationship with my God without alienating him, looks like my deck is stacked with all sorts of goodies.