It can be a challenge to wake up and feel motivated towards anything now a days. It is a daily battle to keep myself going, to feel like I matter, to not take so many things personal or as an attack on my character personally, that can be quite difficult and at times it has been. I have had this urge to hate my life so much that I have just wanted to end it. Long before I had hiv and coming to terms with that, navigating what I perceive is a book on life on how to find your way. Finding that there are so many levels to life and the things you have to deal with day to day.
Fighting to stay off anti-depressants, that has been a complete chore, my visit to my therapist have become frequent, to be honest I feel that I have to be cautious around him to, around so many people because I never know or understand that what I say and how I say it will be taken, I feel it is literally a life or death sentence that will keep me free or have me locked up because I lack the intelligence to keep my life in order. I struggle to have meaning in my life and I know that may sound quite stupid, most people have their life together, most people have that path that a first glance has everything going on for them, it has always put me in a position to wonder why my life sucks and when if ever will I have my own life to be proud of.
Don’t get me started about the fact that I am single and have not had the courage to be better about it, that I know I am struggling with sex over intimacy, that I have felt that people don’t like me and really don’t have an interest in getting to know me as a person. I admit I need some serious work in that area, I have to be reasonable that not everyone is attracted to people with low self-esteem. It does go back to having pride in ourselves, I was not put on this earth to please other people I have to say it is unrealistic. Everyone has criticism yet so few people have realistic solutions, we judge and we throw the book and the stones hard on ourselves and others. It always feels at times that I have no idea who I end up offending or on the outs for saying something that I did not understand was a bad thing, I have enough rational to understand that people are strangers that it takes time to get to know people, I try to make an effort to be transparent I don’t want to play games I don’t need to play them, that should be the point being an adult.
All I have ever wanted in my life is love, just someone to call and wake up next, to, feel a strong bond and honest connection to I feel I have too much to give to the right person, I know I am lazy towards that, I know that I am so scared at putting myself on the line again and again, feeling that I am empty handed, watching people live their dreams and just being so bitter about it. Feeling so angry I just wanted to kill the concept of love entirely, it became so maddening that no matter where I turned love was for everyone but me. Most of my music is longing for love and sex, two opposing passions and yet so raw and primal at the same time, it’s deep and has layers.
I just want to feel that I am succeeding in life instead of feeling like all is fail, so I need to keep this quote in mind. Dark Squidge aka Tomska said a quote I could not help but need to put out ther again, failure isn’t fucking up its giving up.