5/21/2016

Ok so I have not written anything in a long while this month, my unemployment dried up and I cannot reapply until October, which really sucks, and being without having any money or a job, my depression meter has gone way down into the earth and just keeps going down.

I know that I don’t really have too much to say on this subject today, I am just too tired to care, I really don’t and every time I have another lecture that I did not ask for I go deep submerge with my feelings. I know I can’t say anything that justifies a legitimate response so I just say nothing and go about my business, which honestly leaves me so fucking miserable and epically bitter and I just don’t like it, I always feel I am one day away from the street or suicide, those are my options in life.

I live in this firm belief that everything is my fault, that I always need to be empathetic to every situation that my family is going through, and I really do not feel that I need to do that shit, they are the root cause of my problems and I feel way better not being around their long ass stretch of showing me such disrespect, that when or if I ever get to the point of moving out and having financial independence for once, I would most likely never speak to them again and I would be fine.

I just do not agree with my mother’s repeat you should be the man of the house, yet I realize, vocalize, how I feel and people ignore me, so fuck it. I realize that laying around is not helping me much either, but when I have been looking, either getting no response or getting looked over, it just adds on to the depression I am already feeling, when some jobs turned into scams, and killed my good mood it has just become a complete nightmare on my life and that is what sucks the most, plus I do not have a whole lot of friends, yeah I could count them, so I am stuck, wishing I would just die, and I can feel it, it’s as though my body is releasing a chemical inside of me to start shutting me down.

It’s even harder being around people or family that on most days I just don’t want to be around them, I just don’t like them, they add to the negative feelings that are already in my life, that stab me. Funny how it can be emotionally traumatizing to live up to a complement or an expectation, when people see a light in you that you want to turn into a light house beacon and in reality it’s no bigger than a match flame. Not being hired and hearing that other people are getting jobs and it didn’t take long for them to get hired, it hurts a lot, so when I am not too busy being called lazy and that my life and my hiv is not an excuse to rise above, I feel I always have this look of who told you, you were intelligent? Who told you that you fight on an even playing field like I do, or how many applications I have to lie on because I live in a right to work state? How I know good damn well that people will use anything they can to not hire people they don’t want, then it makes my job so much harder, or to be asked why I am applying for an office job, women will think your gay if you apply for that? Do you have any idea how sexist that is to hear that shit, let alone, I am trying to get a job to fund a better life for myself and no I am not worried about who thinks what of me. Always a double standard of who gets to benefit more from what, I am just trying to work.

People have no idea of how much I hate my fucking life or how much I have just given over for the greater good of family at the detriment of me being empty handed. That’s all I have been is empty handed. Being provided for doesn’t make you feel lucky, it makes you feel like a hostage if makes you look weak to others and gives them a means to step all over you like a foot stool.

I often wonder what can I change about myself that will give anyone a reason to love me, and I am at a loss for words on that, I have come to the realization that I live on this earth to know I am just not good enough. I feel so bitter and hurt I just desire to hurt people back, I don’t care about their feelings or their struggles because they got what they wanted in life and God just rolled out the red carpet for them to have it and I hate it, I resent the very notion that no matter what I feel hate, feel that bitterness and wish my life was just so much better without all the other people in my life pissing on it.

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Living my Truth: Jealousy

Jealousy, for what it is worth is a big pill to swallow, I have spent some time being surrounded by people I love and admire, yet I find myself looking at what they have, spouses, children, any form of success, things that I do not have, have yet to acquire, wondering if I will ever see anything like that in my life time. Every time I smile I feel as though I am forcing myself to gloss over a burning feeling of decay in the stench of bitterness. Ever kiss, intimate hug, soft glances that have no connection to me have me feeling suffocated, the claustrophobia has reached right into my chest, squeezing as it jabs a finger injecting pure despair.

What is it about me that leaves me hollowed out, a wraith stuck in the limbo of opportunity and the edge of madness of touching love. Why is it never me? Even when people manage to find completely damaging relationships they still have something even if it means they will end up at square one they have some one that begins to fill a void that for myself I have always wanted filled. I thought that at one point between finding myself and finding my truth I would find happiness, I ended up empty on both ends. So I keep digging my hole bigger, at the hands of random sexual partners, the more hands the bigger the hole, the more my jealousy grows cause it does nothing more than add to the debt.

I wonder what it feels like to have someone who actually wants to be with me, who can have me feeling emotions I have never got the chance to feel, to understand what it feel happiness that I could not live without after I tasted it. Someone to complete me and be a part of so many first’s in my life. Instead of living in chronic illness, jealousy that makes my bones ache, bitterness that fills my lungs with a thick plume of smoke, anger like tears that burn out my eyes and peal my skin, despair like chained hooks pierced deep into my skin, tearing and always giving me the shortest reach, on my knees with my sins, of nothing more than a heart of hardened regret.

I have wanted nothing more than to kill love and all who have it, why? It feels like it’s a treasure or secret that I just can’t seem to find, and those who find it I wonder why they get to and I don’t, why I never get love but I can watch everyone else. There are too many days I wish I could spread my misery like an airborne plague and watch others choke to death on my jealousy, to desecrate everything people hold dear, instead of being surrounded by the constant reminders wondering what am I doing here, around people I call friends and simple strangers and why I am even around, keeping myself from simply breaking down trying to be in the middle of memories that are really to be shared by the married and parents, none of which I am.

So when I know that I am too weak to keep treading water I learn to read my own social que and I get the hell out of there and deal by myself. It’s hard to not feel like you are not in people’s way, interrupting their happiness at least that is what I looks like in my world. Feels like I do nothing but fight a losing battle of trying to be worthy of a concept that obviously I was never going to have, so to be honest I don’t believe it gets better, life just gets honest and I sleep easier caring less.