It has been 1 year since I started this blog and scrolling through I could not believe that it’s the actual truth on this. Yet in this year things have advanced from bad to worse overtime, I feel like my light is fading and that I must be something more, that I must be so,ething that can inspire some hope. I need hope for myself, I need to see the light something that honestly I have not been feeling.
I need to take my place as what I was ment to be not what I have been trying to be, it’s not working. I need to lead in my life I need to be stronger in all aspects of my life and I just can’t cow tip anymore, I can’t be weak anymore, I can’t be silent anymore, I can’t be a part of a community that has more growing to do than I have time to spend on it. Even if my views from this point on appear harsh and unwelcomed, that’s the way I happen to see the world, and it’s a crazy thing when so much darkness looks like warm inviting light.
I want better and the path I have been on, the life or truth as some would say that I have been trying to live just is not it, it’s just not my people and I face that fact and accept it. All I can do is be me and that is going to be more than enough.
It is month six of this year and I feel closeer and closer to just emotionally loosing it. I feel like thereading is just a huge hole in my life, I feel like the more I try to put myself out there, the more I harden in a bad way, I feel anxious about meeting new people, I just don’t know how I will be received or if I am going to be liked. Between burning alive due to my addiction and trying to just talk to people who for the life of me I just don’t understand, people and how being so quick to get offended is a new normal concept, that all I do is take a look at myself and wonder is this the matrix of my life and where is the pill I take to get away from this polarized disaster I call life.
I feel like shit, I wake up and see that my life is not growing, I am not growing, I feel that my presense is an annoyance to people, I know I am deeply depressed I am not in denial about that, I just wonder how I just grew to be so deeply fucking unhappy that my life reflects it in some of the most demoralizing ways imaginable. I just get by pretending to be happy, I wonder if I even know what I want in life, or if I have the strength to climb high enough to get it…I just have no idea what to do.