Platforms

There was something that I came across on twitter when I went and looked through Jake Bass’ twitter on Jake Bass S*nova, that on his July 1 2016 post I had a huge issue with it, a serious one. When he was responding to TMZ about a rapper speaking out about what he said was aids, and most likely he was talking about hiv, he put out two post to TMZ stating “ur fucking idiots…Aids is now a big thing cause black rappers are now speaking up????? Who cares about Atlanta…Who cares about black rappers speaking up????What about the WORLD??” It was not to long ago that he also retweeted a post about Orlando, so in case I was not paying attention to that event, that had to deal with gay people of color, as well as straight allies.

Here is my problem, how can we talk about equality, how can we acceptance when we continue to place black people in such a derogatory light. When all I hear coming from media pundits and trolls alike about what black people need to do about their communities. All you have to do is google Atlanta and hiv and see that there are many media sources talking about how Atlanta’s HIV epidemic is likened to a third world African countries. Now when you have an Internationally know Adult Entertainer promote nothing but aids stigma bias and tell people who and what they should care about. Hiv is still an issue, Jake Bass for his two twitter comments show there is a huge lack in education when Hiv effects the LGBT community, that hiv until it reached over to heterosexual community it was the gay disease.

I feel that this very uneducated comment, from someone who’s health is based on how long he is able to be and Adult Performer, that something this basic would not exit his mouth. Hiv is still very much frowned up despite all of the countless hours spent, on programs like Ryan White, or Terrance Higgens Clark, Rise up HIv, and black hiv organizations that work so hard to get education, resources and information to stop the spread of HIv, yet all the time people pay way to much attention and stock into a porn star. It still amazes me just how much people continue to worship people and that they do no wrong and are accountable to next to no one…Its just tweet and on to the next, and that is a problem. I just got woke on how stupid people really are and Jake Bass is absolutely a complete idiot. Great Adult Performer, just, wow…idiot. Jake you should really know better, the fact that you don’t is not a surprise. In this no fucks given society, I was completely turned off. People can go to college but it does not make them intelligent if they fail to apply common sense. Are there bigger issues in the world, yes, Hiv, is still an important issue, and if its not on your face or your concern, do like the Dixie Chicks and just shut up and go fuck yourself.

Stop leading people down a bad path just because your life is centered around promoting yourself, stick to that. We do not need your fisher price opinions go play somewhere. What we need is awareness and not being hindered by stigma, not giving people a false sense of hiv is not a big deal in the stream of things and underscore all the progress that has been made.

All this progress is helping to save lives and not put us back in darker times, I feel like it helped save my life, living with hiv is getting better, and we don’t need you to get there. Make no mistake you are not Justin Trudeau, but obviously you need to learn something from a grown man who has an exceptional level of class and thinks before he says something. Keep your Mike Pence level of thinking and your Trump attitude in your own lane.

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When a gay man looks for the straight life

I struggle, I struggle, I struggle, dealing with these incredibly dumb sons of bitches. Its men young and even around my age, piss me off, and these are the type of people who have nothing going on but will waste other peoples time with their bullshit. There are days that coming to terms with your sexuality is not about self hate either. Its about not having options, its about more disappointment than you care to deal with. It took me today to realize just that much more that I am not trying to spend the rest of my life with guys, possibly the community. I am tired of this shit, and its depressing, really depressing, it hurts my heart. It makes me think if I missed my chance at being happy a long time ago.

Its not that I don’t recognize that, I am sexually attracted to men I will not deny that, but the layout is shit, just shit right now and it just seems to get worse and I want to get off of this train, I want off, I don’t want my dick getting hard off of the concept of sex or getting to know someone off of some childish ass maybe. So i feel like, I need that pussy life, cause it cannot possible be worse than being straight or having to deal with straight issues.

I know that it could be my area, or the geographic of what I am looking for, but your bi and gay individuals are coming out of the woodwork everyday. Fuck I just get tired of it, do you have any idea that from dating to hookup apps to craigslist, that people are not finding who they want to be with, why? People are playing games, and there is no sense of relationships these days, yes even in straight relationships too. People, I want a relationship and have come close many times, maybe I am really not a person who is structured for relationships. Yet what happened, to commitments, longevity, endurance for one person and making things work. We have so much contempt for one another and it just seems like it is one big game at the end of the day. Its always a thought that you will always find what you are looking for later, when was tomorrow ever guaranteed, and sometimes you have no other choice but to wait. I feel like a damn fool, I keep hoping that I am next, that I am the next person in a relationship, I keep thinking if I get on track that it will get way better.

The more I look the more I see familiar faces, I keep seeing the same faces that are where I am at and I wonder how long if at all will i find what i am looking for. So in the mean time, working towards being straight seem like a better option. Time is not fixing attitudes or bringing people together if anything its showing what was just beneath the surface, and it does not look good. I am just to exhausted to care, its the biggest emotional block I have to any type of progress or sanity for myself.

Getting through the front door

Its said that the hardest door to walk through is your own, moving past depression, bad choices and hook ups that move no where past sex. It always has me wondering where do I fit, when I really take steps to let go of everything I know that is not working in my life? When the weights feel as though they have fallen off, when I am ready to move forward, how do I do that safely, in an effective manner that keeps me mentally and emotionally healthy. For a while I always thought that I had nothing more to offer that, age, sexuality, race, and health status defined my life and would hold me back. I forgot that is a naive way of thinking, that sometimes I forget that its possible for anyone to move mountains, create storms, change reality.

It feels dwarfing at time to put myself out there, to wonder if I will be safe, ok, but I have to walk out of the front door to find out. I have to do it for me, its not about being free or feeling owned, its time to go for the long haul. Its time to be who through my dna my ancestors, my people, its just time to show out and shine. I have to be willing to wake up happy and start walking, I don’t have to look back or feel afraid to keep going, Its ok to finally wake up.

July 25 2016

MATTERS OF BLACKS AND POLICE

Screaming that is all we seem to be doing now a days, and I feel like I am in the middle of it, and I really want to unplug in such a bad way. I feel that my mental health is becoming more and more compromised because I engage in it. There are no neutral responses but silence, I feel like I need that right now. I feel like I am slipping and loosing my grip on more important things like life. Messages that really matter, making my own goals. In the current climate of affairs right now,  It is exhausting commenting to people who feel and think their opinion on things, attitudes and life styles of black people are cannon.

For me all things black can be a very tricky slope, It feels that no one is listening and that no one wants to or cares to. We have had five police officers die this month and it does not sit well with me at all. It feels as though the police has transformed into an occupying military organization fighting American citizens. That in itself is wrong and problematic, the fact that they are risking their lives and I know a police officer and I am close friends of the family and I would be devastated if he died. No one deserves to die doing a job, there is no reason for that.

At the same time, this country has had a history, a system, and laws that have been centered around doing nothing but harm to black people in America, this is fact. What angers me is that facts only apply when when it is a case against people of color…when people of color present facts, oh its a problem, we don’t know all of the facts and then they hide their hands.

The very notion of a Blue code of silence is an atrocity on the very notion of serve and protect. There is no longer any transparency and people are no longer tolerating it. 5 officers should not have to die, protecting police officers who do not live up to the code of conduct of being a police officer. When you take an oath before a judge to live up to the expectations of an organization that you qualify to uphold, that should mean something to you. People are willing to give up freedoms they do not even realize they need for the ideal that if it punishes the black community then its OK. Little do they realize that they are in essence hanging themselves. The fact that people are this complacent to not know their own rights and just chew bubble gum and skip down the park like nothing is going on its shocking, things need to change, but I feel like so many we are headed towards civil war instead.

Milo and Twitter

Ok here is the thing, why do people think their free speech overrides a private company. Its a private company and they are providing a service and the red tape is furious. There is so much bigger things going on than Milo cause as they probably look at it, they have given him plenty of enough reasons to comply with their terms and policies, that’s how most of this works, no the blanketed we have free speech and you have to give it to us, not how that works. There are so many inventive ways to get around the printed law of free speech that is why they hire lawyers to work in their favor. No amount of free Milo is going to get people anywhere. If you want to make a difference find better options to make your point. you cannot make demands when a gun is on you.

BML and the Gay Community

BML was founded by black queer women, DeRay Mckesson, a black gay men is standing up for gay rights, and the more gay people I hear talking about what has BLM done for the gay community…how about try and keep getting another group of people not so popular with mainstream keep themselves form getting killed as well. Yet this group also speaks out for trans people of color where the gay community should be standing up and doing something about it. It just continues to be more of a white and people of color issue where it should not be, yet constantly is. I am sorry that for some reason it seems to be an inconvenience to ensure you are not rounded up or killed in the street. The people who do get out there do not want to be a victim or a hashtag or a week news story and easily forgotten when a bigger story comes, or when people are bored of caring. Frankly I have just had enough of being torn down from a community that seems to show that they care less. That everything in life is our fault, that we can be called terrorists and thugs, when we are trying like hell to keep people alive who don’t even care about their own existence, who think they are safe. Unity, true unity comes form going out of your way, to understand all sides of the situation, form educated thoughts and decisions and not just hurtful empty rhetoric. There are so many lines drawn in the sand that have us all speaking different languages.

Sarafine to Macon: “You used to love playing in the dark.”

I wondered why I chose this movie excerpt from the movie Beautiful Creatures to highlight, the dark state of affairs that we live in…maybe its because those who feed in dark places are tired of having to hide their true nature…

There is so much darkness in the world, I feel that this darkness is a massive infection that is a serious pandemic. The only problem is that we love it, the conflict the anger, the heat of confrontation. Its a trigger that come automatic now, the way that we don’t care about others, that we can’t talk to each other, that this darkness that we all seem to be in, its powerful, I just don’t know how we get out of it.

I feel dark inside, I feel dark a lot, and the problem is I like it, darkness feels familiar, its dangerous, and the thought of that darkness at times can be thrilling riding on the fury that comes with it, being dark drives can drive you, give you a high and make you ache in ways you should never have to go through as a person as a people, its just not right, but that’s where we are at and I think that is going to get darker before it can possibly get better, its just common place.

We cry for unity, people are not listening, hate its the air we breathe, it fills our lungs and we exhale more hate, more darkness in people and the cycle continues. Speeches wont change that and I hope action can, I hope that hope can, but we are on a course where we just want to wipe each other out for what we call the greater good, why? We love to play in the dark, its not just seductive, or inviting, it just feels like home. That is a problem for me because it wipes me out, it takes more energy that i have to give fighting comments between twitter, facebook and youtube. Way to much energy and it says a lot, that I must be so unhappy doing all this that I forgot how to be happy that I headbutt everything in sight like a goat, I just don’t want that to be my life.

I have a problem and I want and need to unplug, detox from the hate, jump into purified waters, something other than this. We were never ment to function on so much evil.

Legacy

How do we teach our children to navigate the world? how do we view the world from your perspective? Do you feel safe, do you want to feel safe? Do you even have the right to feel safe, I feel that is the bigger question to be asked. For generations people of color have had to navigate how to survive the police, to us its a way of life. Its a life that you know nothing about, you have never had to have stories handed down to you about the history of our black skin, or latino skin or Asian skin.

When is the last time you have ever been told who and where to hang out with what times to not be somewhere because if your there you must be looking for trouble. For what little progress has transpired I wonder now how this all ends, black has been how it always has been labeled, something to fear something dirty, something animalistic. Its amazing how we are always viewed as such because that is how most of you see us all the time, the ones who bring in the crime, drugs, and looting, and burning down blocks. Has it at any time in your existence, that you wonder why we as a people have had to act that way, with such fury? I know it has something to do with you killing us, at every turn, because its not enough that slaves endured it, you want to bring that to us no matter where we are with no end in sight. Despite all of that we have had to learn to navigate around police, cause its in your nature to harass us, instead of welcoming us in, instead of showing us that we did not endure all the hardship for nothing. We cant even make a honest living without being questioned to how we got what we worked hard for and why we think we deserve what we have worked hard to get.

I hate that I have watched this legacy continue, that either through the news or through youtube the common thread is harassment and speaking the words that mothers and fathers have passed down to their children, for their survival, not for fun, but you would not know anything about it, when has that ever applied to your life, cause everywhere I turn, every time I have to hear about police interaction with police i wonder what if anything at all could and black person, or people of color could actually do to survive anymore.

Utsukushī hono ni yori shibo

It may not translate well but it fits my mood right now…death by beautiful flames.

I feel that we are at a no win crossroads, no where to run, no possibility of escape, things just don’t look good. If nothing else I feel the heat, like watching Rome slowly begin to burn. I feel the fire on my heels as well, it is hard to watch all of this nighmarish hate plume into view. Where there are no solutions only hate that burns bright and catches the attention of all the people who love to play with fire. I know it’s the smoke in my chest now, it’s the relative finger pointing that slowly creeps in and fills my lungs to the brim with fear and hate, thick as molasses sticky as southern humidity.

I should run yet why am I turning back to throw kindling, then straw, then gasoline with my words, why case the fire feels warm, cause it looks like light is on our side? Or is it that fire is the only thing we know how to use, flaming arrows dipped in deceptive toxins. If you don’t burn first, the poison will eventually get you. I just want to run, but who do I abandon when I run for it, my ideals, my self respect or is there something more, like my humainty?

It’s not about being swept up by the blaze of injustice, or loosing the fleeting innocence of youth that was never really there, but hearing all of the race baiting bullshit that they say is never there that goes ignored, cheered and overlooked. It’s amazing where I am still an animal no matter how I advance in the world, but I am trapped taken hostage by so many other facets of life it’s amazing how we never self-destructed before. Yet here we are, where I can’t go a week let alone a few days where black people get shot for frivolous reasons, and that is justice to people, bringing in the old ways, where their own people endanger police and they are given a pass to live. Where the next new normal thing past our history of dragging black folks from trucks, beating them to death and then hanging them from trees and on occasion burning them, black people are now the new terrorist movement.

For riots, looting, and burning things to the ground, funny how when you take any hope of justice from anybody it makes them act a certain way. Now all I wonder is when they stop using guns and just blow black people up, like terrorist ideology, interesting how all forms of peaceful resolution is now off the table. Then everytime I see a meme from someone I know from Facebook and I wonder how can they be this absolutely heartless, I just stop wondering because that’s the problem, they just don’t feel the problem is there’s so I have to meditiate long and deep so I don’t speak words ment to kill. I laugh cause as a black person any time we speak out what about the white or Latino or he’ll maybe even the Asian person who died because of the police brutality, and I ponder, why aren’t you out there? You don’t have to be a part of BLM to care about someone touched by the violence, or speak up about who it has hurt, cause you should just want to be out there if you care that damn much.

I am just tired of all of this cause it burns me out, I feel so exhausted running from the fire that is burning faster than I can run, I am tired of wonder if I will m ake it to old age and die of natural causes, not bleeding out in a car or street being told I deserved it, seeing people’s true demonic nature when they are allowed to run naked and free unseen.

Little do we realize or pay attention to the simple fact that we are all just burning to death, but at least the fire is cozy and we feel warm in each others company.

Living my truth Depression

What is that Wall Street phrase we hear from time to time, to big to fail, at times that is what I feel like I have to be, to big to fail, when I’am to naive to see that I have failed in tremendous feats. I’am broke, jobless and so deep in depression that I loose interest in everything and even living, I can’t even feel my heart stir. I feel like I am not going to make it, I am not even sure if that is my goal anymore, I am not as a person thriving as I should be. My life is a situation of I can’t afford and I am becoming a burden, and the weights feel heavier after that, I feel like sit everytime I am reminded that out of everyone I know, I am and have continued to be the failure. When nothing excites me anymore and when people look so happy and I feel so dead inside and it’s my natural inclination to want to live but I just don’t know anymore. It’s like no one gets it, see’s it, that all I seem to have is all of this anger, this murderous rage in me, that I am tired of pretending that I am not one soft breeze away from completely falling over and spontaneously bursting into flames.

I feel that my life is in two directions, either get help or just die, those are the only two cards I have left. Yet here I am thinking how do I stop myself from looking like a looser. When so many people are successful in life and that is all I have ever wanted for myself, I simply just can’t seem to be equipped to handle it and I want to, I desperately want to be, but maybe it’s just not me, I could quite possibly not be everything people think that I am. Can I live with knowing that I am a disappointment.

The yellow brick road turned into a lump of coal

Things transpire all around us without warning, the very thing you feel that you put out in the universe gifts itself in ways that you did not count on happening in the first place. When I am working on turning a page, I get something or someone I did not need to trip me up. So here it is the fourth of July, and I have to find the words and the courage to tell an incredibly hot guy that I’may trying to get my life right, that I am not going to hook up with him like I used to before he left some time ago…It’s just not fair, I never thought he was coming back and he just went radio silent, yeah yeah I know it’s called ghosting, oh well.

I am just working on not jumping at every chance to get laid, even though now I have this emotional mentality to do so, not wanting to miss out, just being totally self centered, that’s not good for me, it’s just isolated me even further, I wonder if there is a bigger term for a totally withdrawn introvert like myself.

Coming to terms with trying to cope with this life and turn a worn penny into a hundred dollar bill takes time and focus and intrest, which might I add from time to time seems to slip. What do I do, when I want to hook up, but I want a relationship, but I want to hookup even more, and if I send this guy away that’s it, no more hot tatted muscular tight ass. Usually that’s a serious no brainer, just lay that pipe for all its worth, he wants it and he text messaged me for it. I just want to be able to look at me and say I can do better, my potential is more than this. I don’t know his full situation, and I just avoid it because I don’t want the drama, that I know I will get period. I just don’t want to feel like I am the only guy feeling that relationships are not a thing of the ancient distant past. It’s just aggravating to get there.

Then over the weekend I got a small ray of optimism, I happened to be on a Facebook page of a white guy who was at the time I saw looked like he was dating an Asian man, turned out he was married to him, which I realized that when his last name was hyphenated to yang. It changed things for me when I realized that yeah, some people love the partner that they are with they are not afraid to take every part of that person with them, that it means something more, that helped me to love interracial couples even more. I still feel as though they are the turning page to communities, that they bring a brighter light at times. That they and others who really get it, give me a reason for hope, that keep me from rolling my eyes into a solar eclipse every damn time I have to think how do I attract a mate while believing I am good enough and being confident in who I am without coming off as dead in some emotional compasity.

So I write these entries, to remind myself to want more, to reach for more, to inspire someone needing something whenever they feel that need, to press on not because it’s hard, but you get that feeling inside that there is something for you if I just get past these life trials.

The fuck boy mentality

If I had taken the time to closely look at myself, I would have realized that I have a fuck boy mentality, that I am a standard basic fuck boy, who is not making the progress that I would hope that I would have been making. I have just put so much of my life in sex that I lack relationship qualities, so what brought me to this post today?

I got a text today from the last person I though that I would be hooking up with, I thought he was gone and just to find out who it was, I just instantly jumped at the chance to hook up…I realize that I am still in the old frame of mind where I don’t think like I should, that its ok to say no, or make up any reason necessary that I have moved on. I know that I have not taken the time out to realize that it really damages me to continue on this path, to think that I would say no to a guy who looks tatted up and muscular like he does that why wouldn’t I run his way, to be honest I want to be left alone, to figure me out. The problem is, that I have myself convinced that I need him, that I need to fuck him, that I am not shit, or important if I am not having sex with him, and to be honest it hurts, most of all I am afraid that I did not even fully realize that it hurts that I could doing this is the last thing I really want to do.

It’s the sting of loneliness that deceives me, and I let it. I should not let sex or being single dictate my ability to be happy, that is the single heinous crime I could ever commit upon myself. Another problem to that issue is that I live with the understanding that looks, body image, and penis size and skin color are the rule of the community instead of personality, compatibility chemistry, then looks. I just want out out of all of this chaos, I want out of the expectations, I want out of the unrealistic expectations, I want out of the harm, to myself and others.

I feel as though I am not sure how to dig deep how to stay out of my own way, fuck boy is not a label I want to carry or promote with pride. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to have some real genuine memories with, I want everytime I look into his or her eyes that I know I won at the end of the day. Any one knows that being a fuck boy wont give you that, it just gives you more people to add to my number and that is also not a goal to reach for or achieve either. I don’t want to experience missed opportunities, but I really need to decide what it is that I want to not miss out on.