If I had taken the time to closely look at myself, I would have realized that I have a fuck boy mentality, that I am a standard basic fuck boy, who is not making the progress that I would hope that I would have been making. I have just put so much of my life in sex that I lack relationship qualities, so what brought me to this post today?
I got a text today from the last person I though that I would be hooking up with, I thought he was gone and just to find out who it was, I just instantly jumped at the chance to hook up…I realize that I am still in the old frame of mind where I don’t think like I should, that its ok to say no, or make up any reason necessary that I have moved on. I know that I have not taken the time out to realize that it really damages me to continue on this path, to think that I would say no to a guy who looks tatted up and muscular like he does that why wouldn’t I run his way, to be honest I want to be left alone, to figure me out. The problem is, that I have myself convinced that I need him, that I need to fuck him, that I am not shit, or important if I am not having sex with him, and to be honest it hurts, most of all I am afraid that I did not even fully realize that it hurts that I could doing this is the last thing I really want to do.
It’s the sting of loneliness that deceives me, and I let it. I should not let sex or being single dictate my ability to be happy, that is the single heinous crime I could ever commit upon myself. Another problem to that issue is that I live with the understanding that looks, body image, and penis size and skin color are the rule of the community instead of personality, compatibility chemistry, then looks. I just want out out of all of this chaos, I want out of the expectations, I want out of the unrealistic expectations, I want out of the harm, to myself and others.
I feel as though I am not sure how to dig deep how to stay out of my own way, fuck boy is not a label I want to carry or promote with pride. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to have some real genuine memories with, I want everytime I look into his or her eyes that I know I won at the end of the day. Any one knows that being a fuck boy wont give you that, it just gives you more people to add to my number and that is also not a goal to reach for or achieve either. I don’t want to experience missed opportunities, but I really need to decide what it is that I want to not miss out on.