The yellow brick road turned into a lump of coal

Things transpire all around us without warning, the very thing you feel that you put out in the universe gifts itself in ways that you did not count on happening in the first place. When I am working on turning a page, I get something or someone I did not need to trip me up. So here it is the fourth of July, and I have to find the words and the courage to tell an incredibly hot guy that I’may trying to get my life right, that I am not going to hook up with him like I used to before he left some time ago…It’s just not fair, I never thought he was coming back and he just went radio silent, yeah yeah I know it’s called ghosting, oh well.

I am just working on not jumping at every chance to get laid, even though now I have this emotional mentality to do so, not wanting to miss out, just being totally self centered, that’s not good for me, it’s just isolated me even further, I wonder if there is a bigger term for a totally withdrawn introvert like myself.

Coming to terms with trying to cope with this life and turn a worn penny into a hundred dollar bill takes time and focus and intrest, which might I add from time to time seems to slip. What do I do, when I want to hook up, but I want a relationship, but I want to hookup even more, and if I send this guy away that’s it, no more hot tatted muscular tight ass. Usually that’s a serious no brainer, just lay that pipe for all its worth, he wants it and he text messaged me for it. I just want to be able to look at me and say I can do better, my potential is more than this. I don’t know his full situation, and I just avoid it because I don’t want the drama, that I know I will get period. I just don’t want to feel like I am the only guy feeling that relationships are not a thing of the ancient distant past. It’s just aggravating to get there.

Then over the weekend I got a small ray of optimism, I happened to be on a Facebook page of a white guy who was at the time I saw looked like he was dating an Asian man, turned out he was married to him, which I realized that when his last name was hyphenated to yang. It changed things for me when I realized that yeah, some people love the partner that they are with they are not afraid to take every part of that person with them, that it means something more, that helped me to love interracial couples even more. I still feel as though they are the turning page to communities, that they bring a brighter light at times. That they and others who really get it, give me a reason for hope, that keep me from rolling my eyes into a solar eclipse every damn time I have to think how do I attract a mate while believing I am good enough and being confident in who I am without coming off as dead in some emotional compasity.

So I write these entries, to remind myself to want more, to reach for more, to inspire someone needing something whenever they feel that need, to press on not because it’s hard, but you get that feeling inside that there is something for you if I just get past these life trials.


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