What is that Wall Street phrase we hear from time to time, to big to fail, at times that is what I feel like I have to be, to big to fail, when I’am to naive to see that I have failed in tremendous feats. I’am broke, jobless and so deep in depression that I loose interest in everything and even living, I can’t even feel my heart stir. I feel like I am not going to make it, I am not even sure if that is my goal anymore, I am not as a person thriving as I should be. My life is a situation of I can’t afford and I am becoming a burden, and the weights feel heavier after that, I feel like sit everytime I am reminded that out of everyone I know, I am and have continued to be the failure. When nothing excites me anymore and when people look so happy and I feel so dead inside and it’s my natural inclination to want to live but I just don’t know anymore. It’s like no one gets it, see’s it, that all I seem to have is all of this anger, this murderous rage in me, that I am tired of pretending that I am not one soft breeze away from completely falling over and spontaneously bursting into flames.
I feel that my life is in two directions, either get help or just die, those are the only two cards I have left. Yet here I am thinking how do I stop myself from looking like a looser. When so many people are successful in life and that is all I have ever wanted for myself, I simply just can’t seem to be equipped to handle it and I want to, I desperately want to be, but maybe it’s just not me, I could quite possibly not be everything people think that I am. Can I live with knowing that I am a disappointment.