Utsukushī hono ni yori shibo

It may not translate well but it fits my mood right now…death by beautiful flames.

I feel that we are at a no win crossroads, no where to run, no possibility of escape, things just don’t look good. If nothing else I feel the heat, like watching Rome slowly begin to burn. I feel the fire on my heels as well, it is hard to watch all of this nighmarish hate plume into view. Where there are no solutions only hate that burns bright and catches the attention of all the people who love to play with fire. I know it’s the smoke in my chest now, it’s the relative finger pointing that slowly creeps in and fills my lungs to the brim with fear and hate, thick as molasses sticky as southern humidity.

I should run yet why am I turning back to throw kindling, then straw, then gasoline with my words, why case the fire feels warm, cause it looks like light is on our side? Or is it that fire is the only thing we know how to use, flaming arrows dipped in deceptive toxins. If you don’t burn first, the poison will eventually get you. I just want to run, but who do I abandon when I run for it, my ideals, my self respect or is there something more, like my humainty?

It’s not about being swept up by the blaze of injustice, or loosing the fleeting innocence of youth that was never really there, but hearing all of the race baiting bullshit that they say is never there that goes ignored, cheered and overlooked. It’s amazing where I am still an animal no matter how I advance in the world, but I am trapped taken hostage by so many other facets of life it’s amazing how we never self-destructed before. Yet here we are, where I can’t go a week let alone a few days where black people get shot for frivolous reasons, and that is justice to people, bringing in the old ways, where their own people endanger police and they are given a pass to live. Where the next new normal thing past our history of dragging black folks from trucks, beating them to death and then hanging them from trees and on occasion burning them, black people are now the new terrorist movement.

For riots, looting, and burning things to the ground, funny how when you take any hope of justice from anybody it makes them act a certain way. Now all I wonder is when they stop using guns and just blow black people up, like terrorist ideology, interesting how all forms of peaceful resolution is now off the table. Then everytime I see a meme from someone I know from Facebook and I wonder how can they be this absolutely heartless, I just stop wondering because that’s the problem, they just don’t feel the problem is there’s so I have to meditiate long and deep so I don’t speak words ment to kill. I laugh cause as a black person any time we speak out what about the white or Latino or he’ll maybe even the Asian person who died because of the police brutality, and I ponder, why aren’t you out there? You don’t have to be a part of BLM to care about someone touched by the violence, or speak up about who it has hurt, cause you should just want to be out there if you care that damn much.

I am just tired of all of this cause it burns me out, I feel so exhausted running from the fire that is burning faster than I can run, I am tired of wonder if I will m ake it to old age and die of natural causes, not bleeding out in a car or street being told I deserved it, seeing people’s true demonic nature when they are allowed to run naked and free unseen.

Little do we realize or pay attention to the simple fact that we are all just burning to death, but at least the fire is cozy and we feel warm in each others company.


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