I struggle, I struggle, I struggle, dealing with these incredibly dumb sons of bitches. Its men young and even around my age, piss me off, and these are the type of people who have nothing going on but will waste other peoples time with their bullshit. There are days that coming to terms with your sexuality is not about self hate either. Its about not having options, its about more disappointment than you care to deal with. It took me today to realize just that much more that I am not trying to spend the rest of my life with guys, possibly the community. I am tired of this shit, and its depressing, really depressing, it hurts my heart. It makes me think if I missed my chance at being happy a long time ago.
Its not that I don’t recognize that, I am sexually attracted to men I will not deny that, but the layout is shit, just shit right now and it just seems to get worse and I want to get off of this train, I want off, I don’t want my dick getting hard off of the concept of sex or getting to know someone off of some childish ass maybe. So i feel like, I need that pussy life, cause it cannot possible be worse than being straight or having to deal with straight issues.
I know that it could be my area, or the geographic of what I am looking for, but your bi and gay individuals are coming out of the woodwork everyday. Fuck I just get tired of it, do you have any idea that from dating to hookup apps to craigslist, that people are not finding who they want to be with, why? People are playing games, and there is no sense of relationships these days, yes even in straight relationships too. People, I want a relationship and have come close many times, maybe I am really not a person who is structured for relationships. Yet what happened, to commitments, longevity, endurance for one person and making things work. We have so much contempt for one another and it just seems like it is one big game at the end of the day. Its always a thought that you will always find what you are looking for later, when was tomorrow ever guaranteed, and sometimes you have no other choice but to wait. I feel like a damn fool, I keep hoping that I am next, that I am the next person in a relationship, I keep thinking if I get on track that it will get way better.
The more I look the more I see familiar faces, I keep seeing the same faces that are where I am at and I wonder how long if at all will i find what i am looking for. So in the mean time, working towards being straight seem like a better option. Time is not fixing attitudes or bringing people together if anything its showing what was just beneath the surface, and it does not look good. I am just to exhausted to care, its the biggest emotional block I have to any type of progress or sanity for myself.