That’s a good question, and I want to look at how that is effecting me and my viewpoints lately. I am afraid to read over my own blog posts because I feel that I am going to look crazy and quite mean spirited. I have just been feeling alone and I think that if we are not at peace with ourselves with who we are, we simply tend to lash out or possibly feel stuck. I feel that I want what others have been moving towards, unequivocally freedom. This open piece of mind that helps us move faster than the speed of light, to breathe deeper than you ever have before because you feel woke and the whole world is a possibility that you never though you would achieve so soon or early in life. Life has been this struggle I have been so desperate to win and I find I constantly scoff at the fact that mine is one of complications.
There is a fine line between wanting to be sought after and desired to being thoughtlessly objectified and fetishized. Do I want love or do I want a rolodex of men who I trusted my way though like some Greek war story. Honestly I came to so many facts in my life, that I don’t know how to talk to people, men especially and eye contact is hard for me, to look someone in their eyes and feel on equal footing. Sex does not require those skills, I possibly kiss if necessary and I just dive into it, trying to last as long as possible, and funny enough I want closeness that I won’t get from that person. So now I am some what celibate, no thinking of men, no porn, no, craigslist, no grindr, no jackd, no curiosity, just peace, just solitude, or want and it feels good, I don’t miss any of it, I don’t feel a want for Sex and this feeling is totally acceptable to me.
I don’t know if I just feel peace or I feel empty and dead inside, all I know is that in this moment I am not hurting for love or acceptance from a community that really doea not exist for me anymore, that sometimes waking up you realize that there are so many things that you can’t have because my reality has changed and it just does not fit in it anymore. I am glad that others have found love acceptance and happiness, I think I needed to find another way, I don’t see it as denial anymore, I have just seen and heard way to much from people just as woke as myself. Besides I want to be able to express myself more without feeling the need to indulge in the irritations of life that bother me. I just want to stay true to whoever I really feel I am inside and be at peace with that person inside and out.