I am so glad to be back to work, yet I feel that I am still missing something in my life, sometimes I get the feeling that as work is a great thing, I feel as though I am not working on myself enough, I want to let the walls down and let my thrapist in and more people, yet I strongly wonder if that will ever be a possibility, that I feel someway about myself, feeling less, feeling broken, feeling like I am first place in line for a concert but leave before it’s about to open because I don’t feel like I belong. That I don’t feel like I can really speak my mind without being horribly judged and that’s where we really are at in society, we judge to feel better.
For those who don’t care, it’s because they freely put themselves out there and know they will either be accepted or rejected, but you see them at face value and if you hate that, it’s really admitting that you hate them for their freedom a part that we ourselves seem like we feel we can’t let slip out. It’s also about that power, playing chess five to eight spaces ahead because the fear is too gripping to let it sneak into your life.
Black, spiritual, religious, and gay, all personalities of my being and a very real part of who I am. It was just last week that an all to familiar face showed back up in my place of worship, and I could not wait to leave, cause I could see the love they have for him and how they respond to him and I look at myself and realize that not me, I can see the hugs he gets and I internally watch my skin turn dark green and no matter who else I am talking to he has a freedom I do not, openness, to be and say pretty much whatever and people get to know him and for me I just can’t without exposing way to much damaged baggage for people. That’s probably also why I like my music dirty too, it fits how I feel inside.
I just want to bear my feeling feel as though I am making some progress that I am transforming myself into something better, that my own personal armor can shine like a hero at daybreak on the battlefield. So, being scared is not the half of it, it’s being comfortable being lonely because no one fits my puzzle, and you realize that you lonely instead of standing tall, instead of fighting a torrent of negativity.