Its easier to walk away

There is a hustle in life when money is involved and when you give folks money for there stuff its always on their terms for some reason when I am giving them my money for a specific request and when you see that that same person who talks about oh yeah i will be right on it, and then on there twitter they are doing anything but the simple ass request, it just gave me a needed clarity that i needed all over again about not wasting money on people who don’t really matter. I though that being encouraging to someone who was out and open about his status would be electrifying to say the least and just like guys who function in this manner its about what they want to give you not what you think your allowed to ask of them. I for one just got tired of it and just wrote the dude a message telling him to forget about the request, and left it at that, no shade no drama, just moving on, and yes this dude is white, and for the most part that is exactly how guys like that operate, this has been my experience and I am over it, my problem is that I thought I should invest in this person because he is the same status that I share with him and so many others. I have been disappointed so many times because it does not even need to be a game and yet it always is.

The only person who has not been a disappointment has been a writer of a 3 part book series, and i have paid money into his books because there is so much substance to his writing. That is worth investing in and promoting.

I have needed to wise up for so long and no be involved in the game and yet that is where I have been in, ground zero, just completely unhappy by the results and the real work has always been in my corner, and that I need to change my attitude towards just leaving people alone and knowing when to move on and simply moving forward.

Honestly its just one more reminder that I need to ask more of myself and I am not, I am simply to scared to and I feel that people wont always be as receptive to the changes…I think partly because I wonder if I can apply them, I wonder if I am ready for a new me. Its not about the rules its about playing fair and having some accountability and I need that more and more too. I have yet to conquer my own pain yet I will get there and I will look at this moment and that person and be reminded at times why you don’t admire people who show it all for others and choose not to show it felling to back it up.

Advertisements

Living my Truth: Back to basics

I have not wrote down much of anything in weeks and I have had so many thoughts in my head and I have not had a chance to meditate and put down these words to where I understand and can project them. I have felt really wild,  I have been living a dual crazy life where its a uneven scale I have been feeling very depressed and obsessed with lust, relationships, and most of all sex.

When i have had time at work against my will to think about what is going on in my life and where i went wrong and how my life has really suffered on the fact that my inability to walk completely away from sex, away from men, feeling that I am missing out and navigating racial tensions is enough at times to motivate me to just lay low.  You would think that living in a time where its ok to sleep around, to find yourself, to be your truth, the world does not reflect that, I personally don’t reflect that every aspect of this world I live in. Still the same thing resonates, to just remove myself away from all of it, the only problem is that I feel as though I am missing out and that is not how I should look at my life when more than ever I should feel super motivated to turn it around and upgrade it. Its ok to want more to have more,  only when it doesn’t cause your life to close in on you, when it doesn’t do harm.

Understanding that sex is my addiction across the board, there are certain things that don’t apply to me because I do not process it in the same manner that other do, self-control is an issue, self-esteem is an issue, and it come to a degree that its not enough, its on my mind, and the one time situation then i want to get attached when if i just stayed away and just focused on handling my addiction I would not feel like epic levels of trash.

More and more this has haunted me in ways I never thought I could suffer, especially spiritually, It difficult to know what God expects of you and to miss the mark with such frequency that I want to just give up. That I know the disappointment and anger exists, and at times it can be really exhausting because I did not ask for it but I have to manage it, and that is never easy feeling that outsider vibe and people i used to talk to are not there anymore. I know God is always there and see’s it all yet still it can be uncomfortable talking to him about it and I know that even then its disrespectful on that end and it messes with my head so much, because I need to get this off me. Sex has made me feel, empowered, and weak, loved, and despised, happy, and depressed, and at times disgusted with the fact that I feel like a ghost without it. I never wanted my life to be that way at all and the bigger struggle is walking out of that tunnel, that long night that your eyes feel like they will burn in the light. Still I have to continue to invest in me and make a difference that brings joy to my life.

Living his truth Colton Haynes: Free at last

Before it has you wondering, no this is not a Martin Luther King Jr, speach, yet in its likeness, do we understand the fundamental need to be living your own personal truth? When Colton Haynes was given a HRC Visability award, he could not help but be moved to tears, his emotions at this point is a very important part of this freedom, as we know the tears were not for the award, they were in recognition of his freedom, his right to step out into the light, to be himself in full light of view with everyone to see and to accept at this point. Those tears were for once in his life the masks could no longer hold him down, no longer would he be a man in his own iron mask. No longer would he be know from trials from his past and how his image is viewed in the present.

From that point forward on that stage, he got to be Colton Haynes, model, actor, designer and gay American, that man on that stage at that podium was a free man, and for anyone who understands what it is like to have a part of who they are hidden away, or feeling that shame of being different in a world that is absolutely against who you are and what it means and what it stands for, then you personally can understand the need to be free, not just equal but above all free.

We can talk about the need to be equal, and as important as that is, people still find themselves prisoners brought on by these systemic laws and regulations ment to be divisive. Freedom is God given right that despite how we believe or worship should not be taken for granted…ever, it’s in this time that I was able to look at what Colton said and how he presented himself that really got me thinking about how he reacted to Noah and has me wondering myself if I would do the same.

Right now I as I type these words and keep an open mind, I also want to keep focused on freedom and why it needs to be fought for so hard, and how freedom of those who have it and those who strive to attain it can be a dangerous thing for us who struggle to get there, yet in those moments that when we do happen upon it, do we really remember how it feels to taste how sweet that notion is, to have the weight lifted and to be able to breath in deep and exhale all of the past troubles away can we really say free at last!

Living my truth: Lying

Lying has been a fundamental part of my being since youth, I learned that as there comes a moment of protection lying, it rips deep emotional wounds on your heart, mind and personality. When I realized I had ano attraction to men and when I realized that it puts me at odds with who I am and my faith, it had me feeling unsafe and unhappy knowing that I felt as though I had to lie to be accepted and I never got to the point that I experienced that either, how could I be asked to tell the truth and be about the truth and for the sake of others for the sake of people, I hid, I lied and I learned to wear a clothing line of lies. I lived by this principle and I have said it from time to time…”there are no such things as bad liars, just ones out of practice.”

I know I need to explain that too, what it means is that lying can be such an important part of your life it becomes who you are, and lies become truth, lies can become believe able because the person telling it needs it to be. Simply if you adapt to a life of lying you just get better at it. People comment on why people lie about such simple things in life for no reason…people make other people feel bad for bring truthful and in my opinion people don’t readily gravitate to the truth, they gravitate to lies.

My biggest sins are my lies, lying to family dishonor in my God my relationship with what I know to be the truth, feeling like I live in the shadows lof lies. It has crushed my being, my self worth, to the point where I feel as though I feel nothing, so I need to fall out of love with lying. It’s not what I want and that means sacrifice to keep myself out of harms way. It’s a corrosive acid, and it’s not always the fast acting kind, it’s the kind that erodes and erodes until you look as ugly as you feel on the inside. It feels like I am killing myself and others because how do I choose, when it feels like I am unhappy either way? I want love and respect, just not at the cost of lying to get it, I feel paralyzed in life and it’s not a great feeling.

I don’t know how to go on or really get up and make changes and I want to and I need to, because I don’t want this to be all that people see and remember me by, I don’t want to be afraid to tell the truth, I want to stop hiding and walk free and I don’t and have never really been free, I have not felt free, do you know or understand how that feels, it feels lonley, as though your going to be swallowed up into an abyss with no way out.

Fight to live with truth and dignity, to have the freedom to live in the light not in the shrouds of lies and darkness.

It feels good to feel different

It feels good, this change that is going on in my life, it feels like a prayer answered I don’t want to test it, I just feel like I have some self control in my life again, I had to let go of some folks and not by much choice at all, but that is another blog for itself on that one. I feel like I have started over and i don’t want this feeling to go away, it’s as though I stepped out into the sun and it burned off all my regrets and past mistakes, I still have the bat sit crazy dreams from time to time and my eyes have been abnormally dry, I have to say it feels great not feeling intense moments of being attracted to men and just keeping my thoughts focused. Cause its good to feel hungry but it’s for spiritual growth and that’s what I need more, I feel like I am growing as a person too, because I can get so wild and out of control when I binge on porn and I don’t like that version of myself so I just really need men in an entirety out of my life, and that shouldn’t be so hard because it all in my head and that’s a battlefield.

Still I am happy and that is a great feeling to have as well to be able to express. It does not mean I don’t accept my reality I just want more for myself something even more real, building a relationship with someone who has mattered even more to me but that connection has been one of the hardest ones to just focus one, my relationship with God.