Lying has been a fundamental part of my being since youth, I learned that as there comes a moment of protection lying, it rips deep emotional wounds on your heart, mind and personality. When I realized I had ano attraction to men and when I realized that it puts me at odds with who I am and my faith, it had me feeling unsafe and unhappy knowing that I felt as though I had to lie to be accepted and I never got to the point that I experienced that either, how could I be asked to tell the truth and be about the truth and for the sake of others for the sake of people, I hid, I lied and I learned to wear a clothing line of lies. I lived by this principle and I have said it from time to time…”there are no such things as bad liars, just ones out of practice.”
I know I need to explain that too, what it means is that lying can be such an important part of your life it becomes who you are, and lies become truth, lies can become believe able because the person telling it needs it to be. Simply if you adapt to a life of lying you just get better at it. People comment on why people lie about such simple things in life for no reason…people make other people feel bad for bring truthful and in my opinion people don’t readily gravitate to the truth, they gravitate to lies.
My biggest sins are my lies, lying to family dishonor in my God my relationship with what I know to be the truth, feeling like I live in the shadows lof lies. It has crushed my being, my self worth, to the point where I feel as though I feel nothing, so I need to fall out of love with lying. It’s not what I want and that means sacrifice to keep myself out of harms way. It’s a corrosive acid, and it’s not always the fast acting kind, it’s the kind that erodes and erodes until you look as ugly as you feel on the inside. It feels like I am killing myself and others because how do I choose, when it feels like I am unhappy either way? I want love and respect, just not at the cost of lying to get it, I feel paralyzed in life and it’s not a great feeling.
I don’t know how to go on or really get up and make changes and I want to and I need to, because I don’t want this to be all that people see and remember me by, I don’t want to be afraid to tell the truth, I want to stop hiding and walk free and I don’t and have never really been free, I have not felt free, do you know or understand how that feels, it feels lonley, as though your going to be swallowed up into an abyss with no way out.
Fight to live with truth and dignity, to have the freedom to live in the light not in the shrouds of lies and darkness.