I have not wrote down much of anything in weeks and I have had so many thoughts in my head and I have not had a chance to meditate and put down these words to where I understand and can project them. I have felt really wild, I have been living a dual crazy life where its a uneven scale I have been feeling very depressed and obsessed with lust, relationships, and most of all sex.
When i have had time at work against my will to think about what is going on in my life and where i went wrong and how my life has really suffered on the fact that my inability to walk completely away from sex, away from men, feeling that I am missing out and navigating racial tensions is enough at times to motivate me to just lay low. You would think that living in a time where its ok to sleep around, to find yourself, to be your truth, the world does not reflect that, I personally don’t reflect that every aspect of this world I live in. Still the same thing resonates, to just remove myself away from all of it, the only problem is that I feel as though I am missing out and that is not how I should look at my life when more than ever I should feel super motivated to turn it around and upgrade it. Its ok to want more to have more, only when it doesn’t cause your life to close in on you, when it doesn’t do harm.
Understanding that sex is my addiction across the board, there are certain things that don’t apply to me because I do not process it in the same manner that other do, self-control is an issue, self-esteem is an issue, and it come to a degree that its not enough, its on my mind, and the one time situation then i want to get attached when if i just stayed away and just focused on handling my addiction I would not feel like epic levels of trash.
More and more this has haunted me in ways I never thought I could suffer, especially spiritually, It difficult to know what God expects of you and to miss the mark with such frequency that I want to just give up. That I know the disappointment and anger exists, and at times it can be really exhausting because I did not ask for it but I have to manage it, and that is never easy feeling that outsider vibe and people i used to talk to are not there anymore. I know God is always there and see’s it all yet still it can be uncomfortable talking to him about it and I know that even then its disrespectful on that end and it messes with my head so much, because I need to get this off me. Sex has made me feel, empowered, and weak, loved, and despised, happy, and depressed, and at times disgusted with the fact that I feel like a ghost without it. I never wanted my life to be that way at all and the bigger struggle is walking out of that tunnel, that long night that your eyes feel like they will burn in the light. Still I have to continue to invest in me and make a difference that brings joy to my life.