Fuck me, but most of all fuck you!

Fuck me, yeah let start with me, fuck me for having problems, being depressed all of the time, fuck me for still being single and not having my life together, fuck me for not taking bigger risks and going out and having fun. Fuck me for daydreaming about relationships and I should just go out and get one. Fuck me for feeling empty each and every time I had sex after you. Fuck me for not being relationship material, fuck me for not being wanted. Fuck me for being so slow to grow to not live up to my potential. 

Fuck me for pretending to be so happy and interested in things going on in people’s life when my souls is slowly turning black every time I have to hear and see how happy their lives are. Fuck me, because I don’t believe my life will get better and I need it to. Fuck me for thinking that people play nice when it’s not really possible, fuck me for being so easily forgotten. 

Fuck me for feeling like I don’t fit anywhere. Fuck me not being man enough, fuck me for feeling like I have to hate everything about myself and still wanting to find a way to share my feelings with someone else. Fuck me because I hide who I am out of fear and rejection because I don’t think people would like me if they really knew me. Fuck me for feeling all of this and just not letting it go and walking away in the first place. Fuck me for asking to be someone that you could talk to when you never did, fuck me for still being emotionally damaged and in my feelings, when I have reached out and done everything I thought I could to be your friend. Fuck me for deliberately choosing to to stick around and hope we could be together. 

Fuck me for not realizing that all I was, was nothing more than a passing black dick, just like most of us are. Fuck me for thinking and acting like that is all I could be, just some black on a list of people who’s I don’t remember before or after you. Fuck me for letting myself feel more than I should after another guy broke my heart so throughly.

So now fuck you, for not investing more in me, fuck you for having me around and acting friendly when now I see I don’t mean shit to you. Fuck you for telling me all of the things you did, because you thought I would run. Fuck you for not believing in me. Fuck you for running off and leaving me behind acting like I don’t exist. Fuck you because you have to hide and pretend that the more you hide the happier you will be. Fuck you because even though I am in your corner still cheering for your happiness, I can’t even say congratulations on your facebook page which I said nothing that I should be ashamed of but you needed to delete a whole damn post to hide, so above all else even though we dated for a three weeks, and you broke up with me and I still took you to the movies, and other places and even though we still fucked I did not force you and you could have said you never wanted to see my black ass ever again. It should not have taken moving states over to be free of me. Or the guy you were engaged to. 

Fuck you for living up to the gayest part of the gay community, that people don’t exist after you have no further use for them. Fuck you, because even though I never wanted to see it, you were not good for me, and I am glad that you have your shit together but you don’t get to shit on others too. So finally fuck you, because your out of my system and I really needed a wake up call and a reality check, so I can stop feeling anything about you and hurting over you, so fuck you and have a great life cause just like Taylor Swift you inspire Bad Blood.

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My sexual addiction: moving forward

I sent a text message to the somewhat anonymous fellow who I have been giving oral sex to for some time, I finally got the nerve to just tell him I am moving forward and moving on. I just had to figure out what to say and how to say it, I tend to be drama, must be the Scorpio in me. I sent the text message off and didn’t get a reply back until later and I did some more explaining which was fine because he is moving anyway. 

Getting my sexual addiction under control is what I am choosing to do and it’s hard as hell, and yet what distressed me the most was that he was one moving and two I let his response on his moving mean that I was being rejected, and I don’t know how I got to that conclusion when I said I was ending this arrangement. When I think on this and still manage to experience this level of discomfort in my chest I have to really ask myself that if I want to stop, and stop settling for less than what I want in life, being a relationship, than why am I inserting my feeling on a guy who purposely made it his mission to stay anonymous, that was the whole point he gets head from a dud and watches straight porn, he nuts and I leave.

It makes me feel trapped, because usually I am ok with these situations but since E.L. Left and got a boyfriend, I have been looking at myself wondering what is next. Wondering how to get myself going and making more progress. 

I never really realized how much effort it takes to just stop this abusive behavior upon myself, and it sounds weird to say that what I have been doing is abusive and at that to myself. It seems so mind boggling that it just does not compute somehow but it’s how I can describe it. How it literally hurts to stop and it hurts to have sex with strangers who are not there to make my life happy, who can’t add anything more than sweaty sex and an orgasim after it all.

So what needs to happen, I need to change how I view sex and relationships and discover what is healthy for me and how to reach it, why? I am scared to realize that I have been under this spell of  sexual addiction for longer than I have realized and now I know I am equipped to finally take care of it, I just need to be willing to.

October 17,2016

Half a week I spent going over the email that my therapist sent me, more people on my facebook who out of nowhere have couple pictures on their profile. I look at them and still wonder what am I doing? Am I that far gone, am I so taken by my sexual addiction that I may never find real love?

People are not seeing the struggle, they don’t even recognize it, it’s not just about the fact that, wow I don’t go a month without having sex, and people don’t realize that’s the most hurtful and damaging part about it, I don’t love any of them, that’s not what they are there for, and it’s a real struggle because at some point you want to love and be honest and open as possible. Yet for me and my experience every time I look at me or think about talking to someone, the impulse to add sex is under my breath the whole time and it’s unnerving.

It’s a situation to where two people are there to climax and leave, the most emotionally damaging way to meet, it keeps me from thriving, it keeps me from believing in myself and not a whole lot of people realize how that feels. To want to be safe and know that your not.

I want to live, I want to be free and I want to save myself, like it or not it hurts all of the time and I want to say no every time and all of the time, I just live in fear of this is as good as it gets or what I deserve and I don’t want that to be all that I am, wrapped up in so much loose sex that I forget to fall in love, to cultivate it. To feel safe in my own skin without giving in.

To just have some respect for myself and call the shots for once, I have to be celibate for my own mental health, cause I am not a victim I am an addict and that is a hard word to say at times, and this has been a part of me since puberty, I just did not understand what it was and how it played in my life. How life events played and manifested in my addiction. And it feels good having days of not having sex. The only way to feel that security is to start loving me and that’s hard too, but I need to come to peace with who I am and how I have lived my life.

It’s always easier to hate things about yourself and it’s easier to get people to hate them with you, it’s harder to look and smile and walk tall, and just not care, yet we have to bring out our own good, how else do we attract better things for ourselves, by loving ourselves to the fullest and not asking or waiting for others to do it because that’s not life or being realistic.

I am an sex addict and my goal is to be one month clean and just take it from there, I used to be ten years clean before I knew I had a problem and I would love to get back to that place, I also accept that I love sex in general it doesn’t matter who, but I would love to find my soul mate even more.

I think it’s time we have a talk

I hear you have been moaning and groaning about being lonely and not having a relationship, you have been bringing downt the moral and it’s time we had a talk. Your inner voice needs to tell you the deal.

Hey mister, why do you want a relationship that you have proven to be ill equipped for? Why do you run from yourself? Why are you treating yourself like trash? I thought we were better than that?

I know you have had it tough like so many but why are you settling? Cause I know your smart but somewhere in that head of yours, you have convinced yourself that your situation is too big for people to handle.

Why are you so scared of who you are, when you are running the streets anyway? I know why, it’s because so many chances have passed you by and you don’t know if you can trust yourself to just let guys go and not choose a hook up over a possible companion. Yet I have more to tell you because I am not finished, it’s more of your daddy issues creeping in, where he would go off and your brother ran wild and you were all alone with thoughts so abandonment is also a key factor in why you won’t just walk away from a fling.

So now we have to talk about your addiction, cause I know that with with men that have left your life, from childhood friends and your parents divorce and possibly moving to California, you my friend the body in which I live in has never been the same. You broke and change is a big part in which you fight and you don’t deal with it well, because any time you have to focus on you, you screw, and you push it to the limit. I know it doesn’t help and you have to deal with it because your in emotional peril and I can’t let you do that is any more.

Letting you hide, letting you enter people’s lives the way we do hooking up and hoping that it will get better you know it won’t, until you let me be a part of you, yeah you know who it is, that gay part of you that you wish away, and yet you crawl into bed with me when it’s convenient and drive me off the lot and then you want to feel bad and hate what you have done and want to be better.

 If that’s what you want then just choose and be happy, cause everyone else see’s it all over your face no matter how well you think your hiding it your not, and your bad at it. I still love you when your convinced that your trash and don’t love yourself and you don’t think you will ever deserve love from another person so love yourself hard as hard as possible, and let’s not forget to respect yourself too because you don’t realize that you can be doing so much better when you don’t focus on other people.

Your sex addiction, it’s always going to be there and until you manage it my friend you will be settling for way less than you deserve and allow yourself to be abused emotionally to all kinds of people, not because your nice but simply because you feel you should be treated extremely poor. Don’t give your love to others who just can’t return it back, and than means you need to learn the difference and Trina yourself all over again. People will use you up in a heartbeat and just not care, it just a shame that it’s how things work now a days.

Also as much back seat driving as I have done, your therapist is right, and has helpful advice, so don’t be scared to follow it either. 

Lastly and most important, your relationship with your God…love your God and remember he has been holding you down since the beginning and has not given up in you so don’t you dare act like you need to forget who you worship, I know there is more conflict than you want to admit or feel that you can live through living your life, but I feel it’s bound to get better and that you need to hang in there. 

I am glad I had this talk with you even though I know it was one sided and I just needed you to listen, we should talk more, love your inner voice, be kind and spread love.

Same book different series 

There are things I never wanted with my life, divorced parents a gay dad, living on the poverty line, almost being homeless, wearing the same clothes and being gay.

I keep running into these persistent problems where I can’t feel anything or express anything without being in the hot seat at some point, always being reminded that I am being watched, and that it doesn’t feel like an open conversation, it feels like a growing problem all of the time with no good ending in sight. I just started temping here less than six months and it feels like today in this moment I just want to die and finish my earthly course cause this is not working being interrogated by your parent and I am an adult, at that and I feel like I never stop apologizing to someone about how I am not shit or good enough and watch others get a fairy tail and submerge into depression more and more. I am tired of it, the loneliness, the anger, the worthlessness, the fear, and above all the eventual hopelessness of it all. 

It hurts…and it feels like it will never go away…and it hurts to know that I have lived life in pain over a decade and I live in shitty ass darkness. Super unhappy and I just hold it in like I am eventually going to turn blue and expire. 

I just don’t know what to do to be happy and stay that way. I barley take pictures of myself not because I don’t think I don’t look good, but you can see the negative emotions on my face, the lost defeat that lives there, and it’s sad that I feel that way at all. Let alone for so many years.

New moon, new relationships 

Saturday afternoon I was at the store and I was at the self check out line and in the express line I saw a young man I hooked up with and he was with a guy and he looked happy he looked like he had new life and a boyfriend, and I had a half smile  about myself, I was jealous and it hurt for a minute, so I decided to dismiss the thought and focus on the fact that if he found someone that makes him happy, someone that chose him then there is still hope for me.

I am holding on to hope, I feel like I need hope when I feel I see others winning, if it’s in person or when I happen to be venturing facebook profiles and I feel afraid. I am afraid that it’s so normal for relationships to exist without me. Is it because I am so undecided? Is it because I am fighting my nature? Choosing a straight life that to most people looks like a blatant lie. Even though I am trying to stay away from a primal urge to do nothing but hook up.

When I see so many people, so many couples I feel hungry, hungry for love, a real relationship, not just these memes I see on people’s facebook pages and twitter and instagram. Finding that voice that touch from a real person, I miss that so much and to not have that, to not know what’s going on with my life it’s something that I don’t know when or if that can happen.

So I have to look towards hope, while I navigate my life, I don’t like to hide that I am ok when I know I am not, when I am hurting and I get boxed mentally and emotionally because I have moments where depression still grips me, but I am trying and piecing my confidence piece by piece. You have to reset at some point.

Pills pills pills

At first we started out, were cool, I would be on the medication that would be a part of my life until a cure came around, but now a days people are having serious issues with the fact that they are going from a pharmacy that they love to getting dragged to another pharmaceutical company that they did not ask for and have a serious problem getting their medication.

The issue I find is that it’s scary not knowing when we will get our medication and the fear of becoming resistant to the medication that we are taking and there is no guarantee the another medication would take. It’s irresponsible to have another medical insurance company pick you up at least have your medication ready, damn you all know good and well you have all of our damn information, because you sell ours all the time. 

It has to stop and needs to stop too, can we not have to jump though hoops and deal with red tape to get our meds, that’s also why I try to roll over extra meds for situations like this because I have been through this before and it’s not fun and it should never be an issue to get hiv medication.

October is here

I want to make this month have some good meaning to my life, I want to make myself better and that is really easier said than done, I had an anime music video night in Tucson with a group and that was fun, I am working on being more open, sometimes I just don’t because of the fact that, its hard to think people of my faith will accept knowing they have a gay man in their presence so usually I am quiet, speak very little participate to a small degree, but usually I am a one on one type of person, I feel that I have to gauge my audience and yes that means I miss out on a lot and that my personality doesn’t shine through very much.

Its not frustrating as hell, and it feels like I live in a glass closet, I can be seen and easily forgotten, and I have lived my life like that and I feel that it is really harming the hell out of me. There are times I really hate writing about myself and having to be front and center and my real flaws all exposed. People and family don’t understand why I am grumpy and mean all of the time. You would be grumpy if you could not exist in a way you would like, date who you want, love who you want, and be surrounded by people who can and do and are unapologetic about it. It hurts in ways people do not get or understand. I live my life like a glory hole, sucking that dick with a wall or a sheet in between myself and the other person, not because its exciting but because of fear.

I did that once with a white guy who I have seen him, but he is so scared and so insistent on don’t take picture or video, it has to be discreet and always lurks out of corners, not realizing that I have already seen his face, knows where he lives and all I would have to do is catch him outside of his place and get a picture If I wanted to, its that damn easy, but I like most men in society know are fragile, intimidated, ashamed, and one touch away from breaking.

I have felt like a lying hypocrite because I like men, in an almost unapologetic fashion, but to keep the peace in my life, I don’t live it to the full, I don’t think I can and I wholeheartedly resent and borderline hate people who do, there are days I have never been so unhappy to draw breathe and feel like I live paycheck to paycheck, just in the life narrative, I am always one day away from going in my opinion, catatonic, or wanting to die. I wrote a letter to another guy apologizing for who I am and being worthless and that he was better than me and deserved better and I ment every word of it to.

My goal is to work on being sex free and learning to say no and not feeling like I am missing out on life for not having sex.

E.L.

This may be one of the hardest things that I have had to muster up the courage to write. It was not easy trying to get my footing back together after I guy I briefly dated I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, that is how its supposed to go, I was going to put all of that behind me, it didn’t work out with him, and when I took a chance to meet someone new after dealing with so much heartache, E.L. changed my life in what some people might see is small and significant. People might not have seen the beauty in a man who could bring spring with a smile and felt amazing to the touch, who had so many goals and kept it going who was not stopped by things going on in his life and pressed forward, and I wished that I could have been the man for him the one to put a ring on it. I think that i was lustfully charmed by someone who was like me in some ways, just longer in the game than I was.

Even though I didn’t mind keeping it a secret cause I had so many other things going on in my life, I was too scared to go all the way in. I knew he was worth it, the first time i arranged to show up and met a starbucks not to far from his place where we sat and talked and I did not come out and say hey I am hiv positive and undetectable too. E.L. was open to meet me anyway, so when i let my guard down and told him anyway it was a relief that is hard to come by and there was no judgement none of it, even issue with race. At first i thought i was in the twilight zone, because if it was not one issue it was usually racial and it was amazing how that didn’t even matter. We fooled around in a nearby Home Depot, kissing, making out, feeling each other up and damn, it was magic and i was high of off the excitement and the first time we had sex in his car and I was hooked and I was scared, because it felt real and real is often something you don’t think you can let go of.

Going from sneaking in the window to steal a kiss to visiting him at his job, and I think that the first time that his roommates busted me and E.L. that i should have stayed the night and I didn’t I think that was a mistake and that maybe he felt that I did not want him. I did very much so, I just knew I was not in a position to be the man he needed to, because when he broke up with me though text it was so hard to deal with, I thought i was making progress and learning things, maybe I didn’t learn enough, maybe its a simple as he saw this wasn’t going to work, I was too afraid to ask, but we still kept in touch from time to time, coming through and having sex and just laying there with his body on me and i felt at home it felt right.

No more boring you with a walk down memory lane…E.L. left out of state to get his life right and after being engaged and that dissolving, eventually I didn’t hear from him again, I would check his facebook from time to time to see how he was doing cause you know no email no nothing. Until he found a man that he felt incredibly happy with and just seeing that brought me to tears, it was so hard for me to realize it had long been over and I did not want to accept it, that I was just too weak to move on and he wasn’t. I still feel hallowed out and I spent months hoping that I could turn it around, and there are times before I go to sleep thinking and pondering that maybe he was being nice by not breaking me before left. Resilient, to the end and I think why I cried in the first place is because I can feel that he is happy that he has taken control of who he is and what he wants and nothing will ever stop that for a second and that I should learn something from that. Cause see if one day I hope he reads this and understands that I still want to be his friend, that I love him even if that doesn’t mean much, that I am trying to get better and that I genuinely wish him the best and that I don’t think he should come back, that he should stay where he is and go the distance and build a life with someone who makes him truly happy and get that ring, cause when I look at him now I realize that its not about me its about E.L. and the future that he wants, and I have now accepted that and can walk tall and forward.

Love you always, through the darkness and the light, up close and at a distance.

Iamstilljosh does it again

This week I read a post from him linked to his twitter and he talked about why he quit asking hookups if it was OK that he was living with Hiv? When I read that it really resounded with me in an amazing way. For such a long time we happen to be at the mercy of public opinion and usually it has not been a good thing. When I sat down and read this genius I understood that, how long did we need to exist with people being able to control our happiness, and after a while you either give up or you work your situation to your benefit. New scientific information comes out almost all of the time and people are no more educated than they have been ten years ago, even five. I hate that even in a technological age people who have sex uneducated about all of the risks going in still judge those living with hiv who are educated in their health and how to have sex in a healthy way and people are still running scared, and rejecting those who have their lives together and have put the work in.

He helped me see that validation does not come from other people who just dont have a clue and think they exist in the clear, people are still having unprotected sex and continue to judge the sexual habits of those living with hiv, its just wrong. It wasn’t until I saw a firecracker of a question he asked, “Are you up-to-date and in the know about what undetectable means?” It put the light on, it is so simple and really puts the ball in the other person’s court, to me I saw it as how well do they really know whats going on out there and are they being responsible about there own sexual activity. To me that question did mean like he said, that you could keep your dignity and if they could not answer the question then what do you have to loose anymore, no one really has to feel humiliated, no one perpetuating stigma, and that we can transition to something better. That is what we really need, a transition to something worthwhile and a chance to be met on the same page as everyone else has, to meet on the front porch on equal footing, and smile with happiness to look at someone else and realize that they chose you and were happy to do so. So before thinking that living with hiv means you cant have happiness think again, cause those times are over.