This may be one of the hardest things that I have had to muster up the courage to write. It was not easy trying to get my footing back together after I guy I briefly dated I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, that is how its supposed to go, I was going to put all of that behind me, it didn’t work out with him, and when I took a chance to meet someone new after dealing with so much heartache, E.L. changed my life in what some people might see is small and significant. People might not have seen the beauty in a man who could bring spring with a smile and felt amazing to the touch, who had so many goals and kept it going who was not stopped by things going on in his life and pressed forward, and I wished that I could have been the man for him the one to put a ring on it. I think that i was lustfully charmed by someone who was like me in some ways, just longer in the game than I was.
Even though I didn’t mind keeping it a secret cause I had so many other things going on in my life, I was too scared to go all the way in. I knew he was worth it, the first time i arranged to show up and met a starbucks not to far from his place where we sat and talked and I did not come out and say hey I am hiv positive and undetectable too. E.L. was open to meet me anyway, so when i let my guard down and told him anyway it was a relief that is hard to come by and there was no judgement none of it, even issue with race. At first i thought i was in the twilight zone, because if it was not one issue it was usually racial and it was amazing how that didn’t even matter. We fooled around in a nearby Home Depot, kissing, making out, feeling each other up and damn, it was magic and i was high of off the excitement and the first time we had sex in his car and I was hooked and I was scared, because it felt real and real is often something you don’t think you can let go of.
Going from sneaking in the window to steal a kiss to visiting him at his job, and I think that the first time that his roommates busted me and E.L. that i should have stayed the night and I didn’t I think that was a mistake and that maybe he felt that I did not want him. I did very much so, I just knew I was not in a position to be the man he needed to, because when he broke up with me though text it was so hard to deal with, I thought i was making progress and learning things, maybe I didn’t learn enough, maybe its a simple as he saw this wasn’t going to work, I was too afraid to ask, but we still kept in touch from time to time, coming through and having sex and just laying there with his body on me and i felt at home it felt right.
No more boring you with a walk down memory lane…E.L. left out of state to get his life right and after being engaged and that dissolving, eventually I didn’t hear from him again, I would check his facebook from time to time to see how he was doing cause you know no email no nothing. Until he found a man that he felt incredibly happy with and just seeing that brought me to tears, it was so hard for me to realize it had long been over and I did not want to accept it, that I was just too weak to move on and he wasn’t. I still feel hallowed out and I spent months hoping that I could turn it around, and there are times before I go to sleep thinking and pondering that maybe he was being nice by not breaking me before left. Resilient, to the end and I think why I cried in the first place is because I can feel that he is happy that he has taken control of who he is and what he wants and nothing will ever stop that for a second and that I should learn something from that. Cause see if one day I hope he reads this and understands that I still want to be his friend, that I love him even if that doesn’t mean much, that I am trying to get better and that I genuinely wish him the best and that I don’t think he should come back, that he should stay where he is and go the distance and build a life with someone who makes him truly happy and get that ring, cause when I look at him now I realize that its not about me its about E.L. and the future that he wants, and I have now accepted that and can walk tall and forward.
Love you always, through the darkness and the light, up close and at a distance.