I want to make this month have some good meaning to my life, I want to make myself better and that is really easier said than done, I had an anime music video night in Tucson with a group and that was fun, I am working on being more open, sometimes I just don’t because of the fact that, its hard to think people of my faith will accept knowing they have a gay man in their presence so usually I am quiet, speak very little participate to a small degree, but usually I am a one on one type of person, I feel that I have to gauge my audience and yes that means I miss out on a lot and that my personality doesn’t shine through very much.
Its not frustrating as hell, and it feels like I live in a glass closet, I can be seen and easily forgotten, and I have lived my life like that and I feel that it is really harming the hell out of me. There are times I really hate writing about myself and having to be front and center and my real flaws all exposed. People and family don’t understand why I am grumpy and mean all of the time. You would be grumpy if you could not exist in a way you would like, date who you want, love who you want, and be surrounded by people who can and do and are unapologetic about it. It hurts in ways people do not get or understand. I live my life like a glory hole, sucking that dick with a wall or a sheet in between myself and the other person, not because its exciting but because of fear.
I did that once with a white guy who I have seen him, but he is so scared and so insistent on don’t take picture or video, it has to be discreet and always lurks out of corners, not realizing that I have already seen his face, knows where he lives and all I would have to do is catch him outside of his place and get a picture If I wanted to, its that damn easy, but I like most men in society know are fragile, intimidated, ashamed, and one touch away from breaking.
I have felt like a lying hypocrite because I like men, in an almost unapologetic fashion, but to keep the peace in my life, I don’t live it to the full, I don’t think I can and I wholeheartedly resent and borderline hate people who do, there are days I have never been so unhappy to draw breathe and feel like I live paycheck to paycheck, just in the life narrative, I am always one day away from going in my opinion, catatonic, or wanting to die. I wrote a letter to another guy apologizing for who I am and being worthless and that he was better than me and deserved better and I ment every word of it to.
My goal is to work on being sex free and learning to say no and not feeling like I am missing out on life for not having sex.