Saturday afternoon I was at the store and I was at the self check out line and in the express line I saw a young man I hooked up with and he was with a guy and he looked happy he looked like he had new life and a boyfriend, and I had a half smile about myself, I was jealous and it hurt for a minute, so I decided to dismiss the thought and focus on the fact that if he found someone that makes him happy, someone that chose him then there is still hope for me.
I am holding on to hope, I feel like I need hope when I feel I see others winning, if it’s in person or when I happen to be venturing facebook profiles and I feel afraid. I am afraid that it’s so normal for relationships to exist without me. Is it because I am so undecided? Is it because I am fighting my nature? Choosing a straight life that to most people looks like a blatant lie. Even though I am trying to stay away from a primal urge to do nothing but hook up.
When I see so many people, so many couples I feel hungry, hungry for love, a real relationship, not just these memes I see on people’s facebook pages and twitter and instagram. Finding that voice that touch from a real person, I miss that so much and to not have that, to not know what’s going on with my life it’s something that I don’t know when or if that can happen.
So I have to look towards hope, while I navigate my life, I don’t like to hide that I am ok when I know I am not, when I am hurting and I get boxed mentally and emotionally because I have moments where depression still grips me, but I am trying and piecing my confidence piece by piece. You have to reset at some point.