October 17,2016

Half a week I spent going over the email that my therapist sent me, more people on my facebook who out of nowhere have couple pictures on their profile. I look at them and still wonder what am I doing? Am I that far gone, am I so taken by my sexual addiction that I may never find real love?

People are not seeing the struggle, they don’t even recognize it, it’s not just about the fact that, wow I don’t go a month without having sex, and people don’t realize that’s the most hurtful and damaging part about it, I don’t love any of them, that’s not what they are there for, and it’s a real struggle because at some point you want to love and be honest and open as possible. Yet for me and my experience every time I look at me or think about talking to someone, the impulse to add sex is under my breath the whole time and it’s unnerving.

It’s a situation to where two people are there to climax and leave, the most emotionally damaging way to meet, it keeps me from thriving, it keeps me from believing in myself and not a whole lot of people realize how that feels. To want to be safe and know that your not.

I want to live, I want to be free and I want to save myself, like it or not it hurts all of the time and I want to say no every time and all of the time, I just live in fear of this is as good as it gets or what I deserve and I don’t want that to be all that I am, wrapped up in so much loose sex that I forget to fall in love, to cultivate it. To feel safe in my own skin without giving in.

To just have some respect for myself and call the shots for once, I have to be celibate for my own mental health, cause I am not a victim I am an addict and that is a hard word to say at times, and this has been a part of me since puberty, I just did not understand what it was and how it played in my life. How life events played and manifested in my addiction. And it feels good having days of not having sex. The only way to feel that security is to start loving me and that’s hard too, but I need to come to peace with who I am and how I have lived my life.

It’s always easier to hate things about yourself and it’s easier to get people to hate them with you, it’s harder to look and smile and walk tall, and just not care, yet we have to bring out our own good, how else do we attract better things for ourselves, by loving ourselves to the fullest and not asking or waiting for others to do it because that’s not life or being realistic.

I am an sex addict and my goal is to be one month clean and just take it from there, I used to be ten years clean before I knew I had a problem and I would love to get back to that place, I also accept that I love sex in general it doesn’t matter who, but I would love to find my soul mate even more.

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