I sent a text message to the somewhat anonymous fellow who I have been giving oral sex to for some time, I finally got the nerve to just tell him I am moving forward and moving on. I just had to figure out what to say and how to say it, I tend to be drama, must be the Scorpio in me. I sent the text message off and didn’t get a reply back until later and I did some more explaining which was fine because he is moving anyway.
Getting my sexual addiction under control is what I am choosing to do and it’s hard as hell, and yet what distressed me the most was that he was one moving and two I let his response on his moving mean that I was being rejected, and I don’t know how I got to that conclusion when I said I was ending this arrangement. When I think on this and still manage to experience this level of discomfort in my chest I have to really ask myself that if I want to stop, and stop settling for less than what I want in life, being a relationship, than why am I inserting my feeling on a guy who purposely made it his mission to stay anonymous, that was the whole point he gets head from a dud and watches straight porn, he nuts and I leave.
It makes me feel trapped, because usually I am ok with these situations but since E.L. Left and got a boyfriend, I have been looking at myself wondering what is next. Wondering how to get myself going and making more progress.
I never really realized how much effort it takes to just stop this abusive behavior upon myself, and it sounds weird to say that what I have been doing is abusive and at that to myself. It seems so mind boggling that it just does not compute somehow but it’s how I can describe it. How it literally hurts to stop and it hurts to have sex with strangers who are not there to make my life happy, who can’t add anything more than sweaty sex and an orgasim after it all.
So what needs to happen, I need to change how I view sex and relationships and discover what is healthy for me and how to reach it, why? I am scared to realize that I have been under this spell of sexual addiction for longer than I have realized and now I know I am equipped to finally take care of it, I just need to be willing to.