I have been having some great conversations with my therapist, one question that has come up more than once has been going to another church that will accept that I am gay and not have a problem with it.
I had thought about that, but I went to a funeral years ago, over a decade, and to listen to the priest talk was super foreign to me, the whole set up was too. You go to places of worship for answers as best as you can get them. What I know I can’t unknow it, it’s a part of who I am And I can’t just go somewhere else to appease my feelings or my wants there’s so much more to understand about my life and how religion fits into it. I want to be better at that also means admitting that there is more to my life than being gay, that there is more to my life than religion to, they are just oil and water hardcore and there is no real way around it. That’s the problem.
I sound like severe teen angst, but this is really simple, I am tired of lying, I know I say it constantly but really think about it. We don’t tolerate lying in our every day lives yet we want people to tolerate lying about who they really are we don’t want people lying in relationship but it’s socially acceptable to lie about who you are and were supposed to be OK with it that in itself is a real problem. I wish honesty were something cultivated but it’s not like it used to be, we don’t demand it anymore, we want to comfortable, and that’s why I can’t go to another church, what I know is me and how it makes me feel is good regardless of everything else I am not getting to do.
I am taking the time out to think about what I am thankful for, such as my triumphs and my failures, for having it right and being completely in the wrong. For every discovery and the ability to keep looking.
I need to learn how to be more thankful for what I have, but also what I can become how my future can play out if I let it.
Being thankful for all of the good things yet to enter into my life.
It take steps
It really does, at times it’s really challenging to know when or if people or situations work, wanting to give it another college try, and when to walk the road solo another day because I need time to figure myself out.
I wonder what to do, or will I have who I really want, the situations I want or am I missing my boat? I don’t have all of the answers all I can hope is that I still have time to figure it all out.
“I just don’t want to take life for granted as though it owes me something I am not guaranteed.”
These days I want to be careful of people’s feelings and my own nowadays, it’s not about leading people on, or not being interested, it’s about wants and how we fit into what we separately want, and what we may want as a couple, to my reluctance I still have not found that person yet. I don’t despair as much because I am not the only person who is seeking companionship out there. It just leaves me wanting though it really does. So walking tall and not being a downer helps, my life at times is confusing and I wish and hope it would just even out but that means I have to put effort.
In all of this I just feel thankful for the ability to give thanks and apply it.
I turned 33 today…also it’s a lunar event it’s the biggest Super Moon in nearly a century. I have to admit, I almost cried, as happy as I was with everything going on, my singleness bothers me, it bothered me to start a new year of my life single and it bothers me to think I could end the year single. It should be the last thing on my mind but there it is.
I am just choosing to embrace it and not hate or feel grieved at other people in relationships, I am just finally going to learn to accept it. I am going to learn how to deal with it. I will be happy because I owe it to myself I really do.
I have always felt like my mouth gets me in trouble and hurts people when I should be healing force in the universe, it feels like I have just had bad harvests in my life, and maybe this time around I work harder to get there, I am not the only person alone out here and I don’t need to continue that feeling either, I am change and it’s good, even when it turns out bad at times. I am sorry for who I have hurt and how I handled people, I will do better, I want to.
No, even though people are saying let’s work together, what can’t be overlooked what won’t be overlooked is how Trump ran his campaign, and who it attracted. Yet people think, yet people are under the impression that we should be working with terrorist trash, who are working towards an ethnic cleansing?
I don’t speak for others but I know this, I don’t want anything to do with a president or people who support this kind of madness that they think we should just get over. Wow I don’t care what small percentage of people of color who voted for Trump, it does not foreshadow the simple fact that people now have a hard time say long, especially the media that racism was in full effect when they rose up in retaliation to vote Trump.
So when this country suffers, it will be Trump supporters fault, and they will have no sympathy because they voted in a terrorist. When they don’t get what they thought they deserve, we will have already know this, this won’t be a surprise, why because they voted in a man who is all about making himself RICH, not you HIM!!
The simple fact that people don’t get that is astounding, what’s more is that Trump has not even been sworn in and violence from white people is growning, and yet you want us to work with terrorist trash? The only thing that should be done with trash is burning it, we are a country that should not be negotiating with terrorist yet here we are, and that says a whole lot of the state of the people living here as they still scream at people get out of my country…oh yes, the country white people stole, so when white people said racism no longer exists, that’s a lie, and it was a lie the second they voted in Trump.
I do not know what to do anymore honestly, I am just sick of all of these guys just being plain useless shit and I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I am turning into the non dating type, relationships that should work don’t feel like they are and trying to be friends is not working either, it just a swamp full of shit men who put on this pretense of liking you but what they really want is a relationship on their terms, and they say all of the right things to hook you in. Have you convinced that things are ok and they are not, they are simply horrible and yet men feel justified and entitled to treat you like a free ass uber, and that is worse.
I just got a text message asking where I was and I could have answered it, but I ignored it, because you don’t ask me to wait 30 minutes so we can hang and you blow me the off don’t even respond nothing then hit me up at 2:30? Really?! It’s played out, and I am the idiot riding along with it, parking up the street waiting on you to show up, and you wanted something real from me as long as I pick you up and drop you off far enough to your liking. It’s code and I know what it means, I am tired of getting the text messages to show up and fuck. I am not trying to take care of younger men who don’t have their own footing yet. I want someone who compliments me, why is that so hard? Yet I can find trash men and fuck boys in abundance?
I am trying to change my life because I refuse to be that guy who fucked his shot at happiness away. That even now I am wondering if I already missed my shot, or if I need to keep trying. It’s scary not knowing what to do, or how not to lose hope, and feel that it’s possible to come out on top.
I have been living in depression for many years and I am trying very hard not to get swallowed alive. Trying to change my life and out look, letting myself grow into someone I like, at best it’s a tall order. What do I need to do to be happy?
So I am taking it slow with guy, and in the midst of doing this I am discovering why I am not dating or marriage material at time or maybe for the rest of my life. My life has had this function in depression vibe and also he is putting me in a head space to where he wants me to help him with his career, by asking me who is looking for a personal trainer. For me I have barely been speaking to people let alone the facebook ones too, I am just not in their lives like that.
Also I should not have told him that his feelings for me were more than one sided on his end, I just don’t know what to do with him and it just doesn’t feel right, even though I said let’s take it slow. What I really wanted was time to myself to figure my life out, and still it backfires in my face. If it’s not men it boundaries with men, it’s not wanting to be alone, not connecting with really anything anymore and feeling terrible about it, and always wondering why it’s me. Wondering how much time I have left on this planet feeling like I am slipping away still and not caring. There has to be more, there has to be something I can do to be better I just don’t know how to get there yet. To not feel sad, every time I am with my the people who share my faith and feel so wrong about my life and what I have done with it and continue to struggle to feel out of place, to feel so confused and constantly in the wrong. Feeling closed in with no way out, my body feel tired from failed moments in my life and I am starting another year feeling that same way, I am turning 33 soon and wondering if I have crawled out of that box yet. I don’t think that matters anymore, I just feel speechless at this point. Some days I just don’t think I am going to make it anymore.