So I am taking it slow with guy, and in the midst of doing this I am discovering why I am not dating or marriage material at time or maybe for the rest of my life. My life has had this function in depression vibe and also he is putting me in a head space to where he wants me to help him with his career, by asking me who is looking for a personal trainer. For me I have barely been speaking to people let alone the facebook ones too, I am just not in their lives like that.
Also I should not have told him that his feelings for me were more than one sided on his end, I just don’t know what to do with him and it just doesn’t feel right, even though I said let’s take it slow. What I really wanted was time to myself to figure my life out, and still it backfires in my face. If it’s not men it boundaries with men, it’s not wanting to be alone, not connecting with really anything anymore and feeling terrible about it, and always wondering why it’s me. Wondering how much time I have left on this planet feeling like I am slipping away still and not caring. There has to be more, there has to be something I can do to be better I just don’t know how to get there yet. To not feel sad, every time I am with my the people who share my faith and feel so wrong about my life and what I have done with it and continue to struggle to feel out of place, to feel so confused and constantly in the wrong. Feeling closed in with no way out, my body feel tired from failed moments in my life and I am starting another year feeling that same way, I am turning 33 soon and wondering if I have crawled out of that box yet. I don’t think that matters anymore, I just feel speechless at this point. Some days I just don’t think I am going to make it anymore.