The end of 2016

There are things that have happened this year things I don’t want to take into the next year. You should always have a game plan and do your best to stick to it. For 2017 I don’t want to deal with love or go looking for it, I want to save money, travel and have some relative peace. 

With many discussions with my therapist I decided that love needs to be way off of the table, if I can’t get who I want, move along and away from the want. Here is to 2017.

I played myself

So the person I was dealing with in the last post, she said something to me that really startled me, that she said that if I didn’t understand that she was going to say what she did and did not care if I asked her opinion or not that I had serious problems…To be honest it’s stunned and humiliated me, I even wanted to say mean and hateful things but to be honest, I could not get over the fact that saying anything else at that point validates I had seriously problems and I did not dare say anything because that meant facing that fact that I had problems, serious emotional problems at that.

It also felt hard that some old woman was telling me what to do, and it wasn’t that she was not going to back down I was used to that, it just meant embracing another dark road in my chapter, it meant that the reason I was so unhappy and would always be alone was my own fault and mine alone. That people would leave, and people would want nothing to do with me.

To be even more honest I couldn’t decided if I want to block her, shut down my account or commit suicide that night, I was so upset, I was so tired of feeling that I was getting nowhere in life, that with this year ending I was alone and the only thing I could think of is that other people are happy without me and that even though I wanted to tell her that something extremely below the belt, I just didn’t want to anymore I would just take the loss like I have for the last 33 years in my life and just move on, I don’t care anymore, it just never stops hurting, I don’t thing I will ever be happy and that I have to fight everything on my own because I am alone and it hurts like nothing I have ever felt before….I happened to be on twitter and I know this is random but a gay porn star committed suicide and still to this day those events seem random, but they are not, people just get tired of shit in their life or being misunderstood all of the time, just feeling whatever. What I felt in that moment was silenced, that what I said didn’t matter, when feeling that my voice the only thing I had didn’t matter, and maybe I will turn around and say something to her again or just simply block her it just felt aweful to be made to feel like a problem in life and that I have felt for such a long time.

December 20th 2016

Facebook posts: There are some things that if it needs to be left in 2016 it’s these fuckers who don’t read a story put your name in the comment and go about talking about how they should not care about the subject. Well then don’t respond, there is nothing that shows a persons stupidity then getting a post from someone who feels the need to be self righteous enough to show their point is valid by responding to a comment that is talking about the subject. Most of all don’t do that to me, don’t put my name in your comment especially if I don’t know you. I am tired of people and their bullshit and I wish death upon you in every imaginable fashion. Just fall on a metal post threw you ass and die instantly.

2 weeks

Here is about two more weeks left in this year, it has me thinking how can I improve, how do I get better how do reach my goals.

I am trying to plan it out, there is so much to do being and adult, so much figure out and where to go from there. 

I feel really misunderstood and under that umbrella of first and last chances, I say something it’s wrong I say to much or want anything and I struck out. I just don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like I have always missed the train, and maybe it’s just me l, maybe it has always been me and I just didn’t get it I try to leave the anger behind and it never really goes away.

I don’t know if it’s the loneliness or the depression they feel the same and I am slowly breaking and feeling like I am loosing my hold on everything and at times reality, so what’s hilarious now me trying to manage or more to the point not falling apart, that I am losing my therapist, people are changing more and more and I don’t fit like I thought I used to and I guess I am the last one on the starting block to get running and get going, cause it’s changing and ending, it gets worse and rough.

Stop promoting

Gay men fetishizing straight encounters

I have been in this situation that I have been giving oral to this guy who watches straight porn to get off and to be honest the more I think about that, it feels like it’s for show, cause he is not hard until I get him there, he doesn’t jerk to get hard he isn’t even hard when I get there I my mouth does all of the work. I thought that when we texted back and forth things would have moved in a different direction. I was so stupid, so very very stupid. I am back in the game where I give and don’t get a thing out of it, and it’s ridiculous and what’s more why as gay men this is the standard of the gay life, giving yourself to straight people who have other options that are not us.

Going in prepared

The fact that I was under the impression I was really getting laid hurt even more when after I got him off he checked his phone and said I had to go his roommate was coming, he did say something about Friday, yet I won’t hold my breathe, damn it I shaved downstairs to get some dick and got blown off just because he got what he wanted and I am sick to death of it, and I need to grow more this is not going to be the norm in my life and I should just steer clear of guys they cause so much absolute trouble I don’t know what to say.

Living my Truth: The desire of men

Where to begin…

There is always a coming out story a context to the history, I was one of those children who knew to much for being young, things I wanted to understand. It’s that very journey that led me to ask such questions as, why aren’t men exposed in the same context as women? Why I felt more than the usual need to share a bed with another guy when I was younger and it wasn’t looked at in a bad context that it would be today. 

Your eyes open…

To the possibility where I started to connect the dots of where my life was going and how to protect myself in situations that I never understood could cause problems for others, if the fact I like guys came out. When I look at my coming out years down the road, it was nearly traumatic for me and embarrassing because I was pretty much got into a situation to where I got myself outs and then my family knew my business, that was not fun, I did not feel empowered, I may not have been kicked out but I had never felt more exposed in my life then at that moment, I felt like I had done something wrong, and with the fighting between my parents I wasn’t supposed to tell my mother but I did anyway, cause you know…lying and all, that still haunts me, that I lived life like that, to be molded by darkness.

Sex is always…

A welcomed part of discussion, I never get enough of it, reading about it, talking about it viewing it, participating in it. Yet I want to be complete in that monogamous setting, I may be a man but I daydream what I feel to be the most thought provoking sexual scenarios. There is something about closing my eyes and just setting my body temp on high making every erotic touch and every captivating taste trigger a person, it’s not just about me, I want you to want me because I can do and keep learning to do things sexual, that is really shallow and there is more to that, I maybe an adult but there are days I feel emotionally abused, so it’s easy to give parts of me that I don’t feel sacred anymore, I should and I want to feel sacred, I am still working on connecting all of the lines of my life.

Men…

When I think men I have a type, but I have to be careful, more for myself than my therapist, he is not aware that years back there was a therapist that was working at my job and I was really attracted to him, we talked he was white tall bald married and had kids, there was just something about him being so emotionally put together emotionally secure in himself that I could not fight what I felt for him, eventually he left and I always felt horrible for it, even if I had nothing to do with him leaving he did and it broke me, it hurt for a good long while, not being able to see him, a man who in my opinion was a gladiator who could conquer and save, and I have wanted to be conquered and saved by him. Since that time it has changed and to a degree I have felt this same way about others, but I had to be to fulfill the roll.

That’s why with my current therapist I don’t want him to feel that I have projected some of those same feelings in his direction it’s a weird thing I do, I guess looking for opportunity, and to add on that list I have a problem with vulnerability more than I should be and it’s hard to know what to let go of.

Now things are…

Mixed up in my hiv univers which is another layer to everything who will give me a shot and will I get twisted up into so much jaded insecurities that I drive people away? How I wish I was a child all over again wishing to grow up all over again, and missing some of the simple things in life, like being a child, growing up. I grew up all wrong and way to fast, I try not tire out to change that and make things better to not be attracted to seductive dangerous things. Worst of all I like how it makes me feel how comfortable I am with it. So what do I do? How can I rise above it and make my way successful?

December 8th 2016

Layers…

If ever there were moments like today that trying to get my own house in order was needed it would make the top of my list. 

Getting there takes a drive that I have not really had, it has meant going the distance and being assertive on life changes that I have been not so certain that I should be or can make. 

Yet the more I do nothing the more I do nothing the more I feel that I am getting buried. It’s frustrating feeling the way that I do. It’s amazing that with my wisdom hair is coming in and that I don’t feel the same way I did, still some aggravations stay the same.

Moving forward

I don’t know if I am ready for any movement yet that’s what I should be doing, thats what I should be striving for but I just don’t feel it. It’s hard to move forward when I feel this swell of relief when I am going to get off with someone, it just feels like dating and marriage have been off the table for so long, the fact that I can even feel any relief from this is not what I have wanted. You can’t turn a rotted out house into a palace, you have to tear it down and start over with a plan and a good foundation.

Self reflection 

I look at myself with great disappointment, and all of the bad things inbetween. I have fears chasing after men again and putting myself out there, because one it really didn’t go well at all and I didn’t really get who I wanted or what I was after and there are still days I have to seriously evaluate what I am after and if that’s what I want to go after. Things are not as cut and dry as they used to be, not anymore, not like they should be. 

More to the point I wish I had the courage the will, the strength to say no to so much, to be loving more, and angry less. I wish I could smile like I used to, I miss that a lot, I am not the same person and have not been for many years, I feel more isolated, increasingly detached, my life is messy and cluttered and I have become complacent, and it’s hard to clean it up.

Been weeks

It’s been a long while since I could just get a post out, yet I needed it, I want to be about the good and the bad, the things you want to read and the things we want to avoid putting out there. I write this because people feel that being fake gets you there, being honest is better even though it’s hard and people really don’t look at it like it should be rewarded, something comfortable. People also need to know and be aware that people still feel this way, that we should be talking more.

World Aids Day 2016

Here is what I am thankful for on World Aids Day…The continued amazement and support of people around the world, people I have never met in person but are family just the same, because our goal is to see a reduction of infection, influx of education and one day the elimination of hiv/aids.

That advocate or not we do our best to make a difference and show people we not only exist but we are still fighting to make all of the sacrifices that came before us mean something. That it’s not that we have forgotten, but we are moving with the times. Making sure no more newly diagnosed individuals have to  tell stories of having hiv on their doorstep and being left wondering what’s next. That support systems exist and that our fight for equality is for everyone’s benefit. To keep us in the light and not be allowed to be pushed into darkness, so I am thankful to all of the hands that I know and don’t know who make it possible to live one more day head held up high.