If ever there were moments like today that trying to get my own house in order was needed it would make the top of my list.
Getting there takes a drive that I have not really had, it has meant going the distance and being assertive on life changes that I have been not so certain that I should be or can make.
Yet the more I do nothing the more I do nothing the more I feel that I am getting buried. It’s frustrating feeling the way that I do. It’s amazing that with my wisdom hair is coming in and that I don’t feel the same way I did, still some aggravations stay the same.
I don’t know if I am ready for any movement yet that’s what I should be doing, thats what I should be striving for but I just don’t feel it. It’s hard to move forward when I feel this swell of relief when I am going to get off with someone, it just feels like dating and marriage have been off the table for so long, the fact that I can even feel any relief from this is not what I have wanted. You can’t turn a rotted out house into a palace, you have to tear it down and start over with a plan and a good foundation.
I look at myself with great disappointment, and all of the bad things inbetween. I have fears chasing after men again and putting myself out there, because one it really didn’t go well at all and I didn’t really get who I wanted or what I was after and there are still days I have to seriously evaluate what I am after and if that’s what I want to go after. Things are not as cut and dry as they used to be, not anymore, not like they should be.
More to the point I wish I had the courage the will, the strength to say no to so much, to be loving more, and angry less. I wish I could smile like I used to, I miss that a lot, I am not the same person and have not been for many years, I feel more isolated, increasingly detached, my life is messy and cluttered and I have become complacent, and it’s hard to clean it up.
It’s been a long while since I could just get a post out, yet I needed it, I want to be about the good and the bad, the things you want to read and the things we want to avoid putting out there. I write this because people feel that being fake gets you there, being honest is better even though it’s hard and people really don’t look at it like it should be rewarded, something comfortable. People also need to know and be aware that people still feel this way, that we should be talking more.