Living my Truth: The desire of men

Where to begin…

There is always a coming out story a context to the history, I was one of those children who knew to much for being young, things I wanted to understand. It’s that very journey that led me to ask such questions as, why aren’t men exposed in the same context as women? Why I felt more than the usual need to share a bed with another guy when I was younger and it wasn’t looked at in a bad context that it would be today. 

Your eyes open…

To the possibility where I started to connect the dots of where my life was going and how to protect myself in situations that I never understood could cause problems for others, if the fact I like guys came out. When I look at my coming out years down the road, it was nearly traumatic for me and embarrassing because I was pretty much got into a situation to where I got myself outs and then my family knew my business, that was not fun, I did not feel empowered, I may not have been kicked out but I had never felt more exposed in my life then at that moment, I felt like I had done something wrong, and with the fighting between my parents I wasn’t supposed to tell my mother but I did anyway, cause you know…lying and all, that still haunts me, that I lived life like that, to be molded by darkness.

Sex is always…

A welcomed part of discussion, I never get enough of it, reading about it, talking about it viewing it, participating in it. Yet I want to be complete in that monogamous setting, I may be a man but I daydream what I feel to be the most thought provoking sexual scenarios. There is something about closing my eyes and just setting my body temp on high making every erotic touch and every captivating taste trigger a person, it’s not just about me, I want you to want me because I can do and keep learning to do things sexual, that is really shallow and there is more to that, I maybe an adult but there are days I feel emotionally abused, so it’s easy to give parts of me that I don’t feel sacred anymore, I should and I want to feel sacred, I am still working on connecting all of the lines of my life.

Men…

When I think men I have a type, but I have to be careful, more for myself than my therapist, he is not aware that years back there was a therapist that was working at my job and I was really attracted to him, we talked he was white tall bald married and had kids, there was just something about him being so emotionally put together emotionally secure in himself that I could not fight what I felt for him, eventually he left and I always felt horrible for it, even if I had nothing to do with him leaving he did and it broke me, it hurt for a good long while, not being able to see him, a man who in my opinion was a gladiator who could conquer and save, and I have wanted to be conquered and saved by him. Since that time it has changed and to a degree I have felt this same way about others, but I had to be to fulfill the roll.

That’s why with my current therapist I don’t want him to feel that I have projected some of those same feelings in his direction it’s a weird thing I do, I guess looking for opportunity, and to add on that list I have a problem with vulnerability more than I should be and it’s hard to know what to let go of.

Now things are…

Mixed up in my hiv univers which is another layer to everything who will give me a shot and will I get twisted up into so much jaded insecurities that I drive people away? How I wish I was a child all over again wishing to grow up all over again, and missing some of the simple things in life, like being a child, growing up. I grew up all wrong and way to fast, I try not tire out to change that and make things better to not be attracted to seductive dangerous things. Worst of all I like how it makes me feel how comfortable I am with it. So what do I do? How can I rise above it and make my way successful?

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