I played myself

So the person I was dealing with in the last post, she said something to me that really startled me, that she said that if I didn’t understand that she was going to say what she did and did not care if I asked her opinion or not that I had serious problems…To be honest it’s stunned and humiliated me, I even wanted to say mean and hateful things but to be honest, I could not get over the fact that saying anything else at that point validates I had seriously problems and I did not dare say anything because that meant facing that fact that I had problems, serious emotional problems at that.

It also felt hard that some old woman was telling me what to do, and it wasn’t that she was not going to back down I was used to that, it just meant embracing another dark road in my chapter, it meant that the reason I was so unhappy and would always be alone was my own fault and mine alone. That people would leave, and people would want nothing to do with me.

To be even more honest I couldn’t decided if I want to block her, shut down my account or commit suicide that night, I was so upset, I was so tired of feeling that I was getting nowhere in life, that with this year ending I was alone and the only thing I could think of is that other people are happy without me and that even though I wanted to tell her that something extremely below the belt, I just didn’t want to anymore I would just take the loss like I have for the last 33 years in my life and just move on, I don’t care anymore, it just never stops hurting, I don’t thing I will ever be happy and that I have to fight everything on my own because I am alone and it hurts like nothing I have ever felt before….I happened to be on twitter and I know this is random but a gay porn star committed suicide and still to this day those events seem random, but they are not, people just get tired of shit in their life or being misunderstood all of the time, just feeling whatever. What I felt in that moment was silenced, that what I said didn’t matter, when feeling that my voice the only thing I had didn’t matter, and maybe I will turn around and say something to her again or just simply block her it just felt aweful to be made to feel like a problem in life and that I have felt for such a long time.

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