1/30/2017

I have wondered why everyone seemingly is an amateur pornstar nowadays. The internet is flooded with everyone’s naked bodies. Then I started to wonder, is this effecting how people socialize and date in our era. Friends I talk to who have dated are single and have been that way for some time, like myself I just don’t feel as though I am finding quality men around I feel like everyone is trying to become a break out Star with their bodies. There is no problem when it comes to two consenting adults putting their business out there, that’s their choice. 

Every time is see these post on twitter they have wishlists of things to buy for these people and my money is important to me, they don’t take requests but they will take your money, and at that, you don’t really get to know these individuals. I feel as though since we have gotten to this tech boom that it’s advanced so far that we are swept up in it. It’s sad to say I don’t know what’s more comfortable, knowing I am not alone into single life or that it’s going to get harder to find quality men who are not about that life.

I am on an antidepressant, I feel it’s going to lift this deep fog that has been in my life, help me get a better handle on my sex addiction, and my life in general. I some what feel it because I am questioning my motivations for feeling the way I currently do. I don’t think this is something with people and a general over sexualize society that will slow down or go away, I wonder how we safely navigate and separate ourselves from this advanced era of sexual attention.

I used to think that stigma in the LGBT community was getting worse and in some ways it is, but in other ways men being gay being open being sexualized is expanding, everywhere. It’s growing, so what do I want? One guy one relationship, and the focus being on us not about everything else in it.

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All of these pills

Soon I will be going on an antidepressant, I know I have misgivings and I feel that’s it about making sure my therapist is happy and that there is not a reason deemed necessary to take action against me. 

Things don’t feel like they are a personal decision anymore it feels like a fight all of the time. I tried listening to some new music and it was good set my endorphins on fire, now I feel like super crap my chest feels right and I know I am angry at everything.

I am trying to get to a place where I accept that E.L. Left and he is not coming back and the way I felt I have to find someone else and I may not be able to do that. Also I want my therapist to go and date and be happy. I care even though I listen to music to numb my emotions my feelings, because I feel dead inside and I want to lynch that neonazi asshat. I want to hear him scream when he burns and eat popcorn while the fire consumes his body and then piss on the carcass. 

I feel comfortable with people dying and them needing to die. It also hurts at the same time, it hurts to feel that way I manage but I am not ok, I know I am and I don’t think I care anymore.

Sex at 33

Sex is different now not with the want or need but more of who is a right fit and how do I look at sex now. Am I still looking for a partner or a smash and go?

I wonder if I can handle one, will I get in the way of what I want and need? There have been a very few men who left an actual impression with me, that really needs to change and I feel like I need to change as well not because it’s a new year, it’s because I know I am simply not satisfied with where I am at in life.

What am I looking for what do I need? For instance I think about having sex with my therapist semi regularly, at times I wonder why, it gets me to slow down and reason, when I talk to my therapist, when I can be open and talk and have an one ended exchange that has non of his personal business to some small effect out there, I still feel heard and safe so I come to the conclusion we’re not haveing sex, our sessions are of an open and intimate nature that it gives me security that I don’t have in my life, that has been lacking and that’s what my therapist means to me, that’s how it translates due to my sexual addiction. 

Also it changes me mood someone I could not wait to have sex with getting to know them at times killed my mood to have sex with them and that’s sad, cause that makes me look at the fact if I can successfully move past sex and strive for a relationship.

Stilled

At times it’s hard to talk about myself so I don’t really, and I understand why some people don’t do it too much. I feel ashamed about how I lived my life, it’s hard to talk about pieces and events that changed and made me who I am. I shouldn’t be ashamed but it’s the setting it’s a religious environment, and I shouldn’t care but I do, and it feels aweful because the only person making me feel that way is me. It’s the two years I walk away from religion and wanted to find me so when I came back and I am still trying to find me there is shame there, it’s hard to let go, it’s harder to dismiss so that’s why I stay still stay silent.

Questions in between

Every time I feel like I want to just see what is out there I feel some relief to embrace a part of myself when it involves men and I feel like the weight is lifted up and I also feel guilty because it shouldn’t be that way but it is and, it’s like the closing a door and walking throw another one and my head, my mind is the space in between. I feel foolish, I feel bunches of negative things that I wish I didn’t feel.

On the other end, trying to be spiritual means I face not being some woman’s husband because it doesn’t work like that. Then I have to remember my love of men prevents that from being possible. It’s like being on ground zero inside of yourself all of the time. I would say it’s not fair but life purpose is not that, at this time to be fair. So I walk in the small spaces in between.

17 days sexually sober

My therapist won’t know how it feels to be loosing your mind, it’s getting harder and harder to keep up and write entries in my blog. People are not held up to the same standards that I am. There is not always a balance, days I don’t know how to get there. Your always asked or told to love yourself things will get better or at least be happy about my life and push forward.

I have not felt that way for a long time, What do I do to get what I want or where I want to get to?  My therapist doesn’t understand and it’s ok, it’s ok. It’s interesting that I would be asked how long am I going to hurt myself and I didn’t have an answer for that. How could I, isn’t the more appropriate question is if I even know what is hurting me? Is it my faith or being gay and how I can’t deal with balancing them both because it means giving up parts of me and at that it feels like huge parts of myself and it’s harder now to put myself back in the box.

Besides that there is nothing out here, all of this time and nothing, just nothing. My therapist doesn’t know what it feels like to have these compliments and it does nothing to make me better, to make me feel as though I am getting better. I am not I feel this huge haze of darkness and depression looming around me like a pulse in constant motion. I am in trouble in the worst way and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have a big health issue that I can’t let get out because small town and all, and I don’t have the energy to fight everyone. 

That’s how it is, I started this blog to unburden my mind, help along the way if possible. It’s funny how we can help others but can’t turn the focus on ourselves. There are consequences there always are and it’s hard not to be bitter to be hurt to be agitated, when this is your life and I am stuck in the middle. My life is not an easy solution to be fixed. 

It is good though to have a therapist to talk to, to detox all of life’s ills away, but he won’t understand and that’s ok because it has to be ok and I make it ok because what else is there to look forward to. Then you wake up and press on like nothing happened it’s what I do.

I shouldn’t be told this in the work place

So, when ever someone happens to say oh hey your still with us, that’s shade. My problem with this micro aggression is this, my work helps to ensure that we get people moved in, because in this country we seem to be under the impression that one person can do it all, sorry I don’t see that.

Then it leads me to this conclusion, that unless your job directly impacts the number of people we try to bring in, then don’t bring up oh I am still with you. Your not even taking additional responsibilities to help the situation, that’s why it was shade in full to be told this. People really don’t look at the bigger picture at times, and at that I am working to get people in to bring us money. So when problems are not in your backyard and the new hire does not effect the current situation, then don’t question my existence, because I  here because your house is not in order and people are not stepping up so that I am not needed. 

It’s easy to live in delusional schemes or grandeur, but keep my name out your mouth.

It’s a new year

There is so much more to accomplish so much more that needs to change, let my mind go through the woods and to the clearing, I can rule the world and first it starts with my world.

Then I learned that my heart that my souls has so many layers, wrapped with dark silks. I am blessed I am cursed, I exist in strange places, I can be more I can be less, but caught is what you’ll be. I am balance I am chaos, I am one in the same and it can’t be denied it can’t be stopped it can’t be pushed back. 

Resist me is what you will do, but I won’t stop pursing you, it’s in my nature, yet after the day I come to my senses realize I care realize it for the best understand that I…

January feels like a giant monday

It’s 2017 and I have all of these feels it’s the 7th day and I just have not know what to say. I have not know what to say to my therapist, to anyone at this point. I want to but I know that I am in my feelings and I don’t know what is safe. 

I know I can make it this month start this year different, when I meditate about me speech my thought patterns it just sex. How to move past it, how to keep on going, how to move forward.

What to do when all you want it to feel hands, fingers and body warmth traded between two people, just wanting something real, something that isn’t tainted by casual destruction. It hurts and  then I feel shook to my core, how I feel that it’s never working or I am just to burned out on all the wrong bodies or bad sexually frustrating situations. 

It hurts to have my mind transfixed solely on my thoughts, all of my decisions, it’s all of me and I keep losing I feel like I am always walking a dark path. It hurts to have never had a love that makes me whole, I just have to keep on walking.

Always on the fringes never on a solid path, I was never in a position to love someone like I should and it’s on me all me. How long will I have to continue to watch everyone else with what I want? How long will I be made to feel empty and incomplete because I don’t have a wife or husband, or that it’s so hard to choose, that I still can’t be myself that people will only know me halfway and not all of the way like they should…that hurts too. Living without love hurts it scars it feels completely dark.