January feels like a giant monday

It’s 2017 and I have all of these feels it’s the 7th day and I just have not know what to say. I have not know what to say to my therapist, to anyone at this point. I want to but I know that I am in my feelings and I don’t know what is safe. 

I know I can make it this month start this year different, when I meditate about me speech my thought patterns it just sex. How to move past it, how to keep on going, how to move forward.

What to do when all you want it to feel hands, fingers and body warmth traded between two people, just wanting something real, something that isn’t tainted by casual destruction. It hurts and  then I feel shook to my core, how I feel that it’s never working or I am just to burned out on all the wrong bodies or bad sexually frustrating situations. 

It hurts to have my mind transfixed solely on my thoughts, all of my decisions, it’s all of me and I keep losing I feel like I am always walking a dark path. It hurts to have never had a love that makes me whole, I just have to keep on walking.

Always on the fringes never on a solid path, I was never in a position to love someone like I should and it’s on me all me. How long will I have to continue to watch everyone else with what I want? How long will I be made to feel empty and incomplete because I don’t have a wife or husband, or that it’s so hard to choose, that I still can’t be myself that people will only know me halfway and not all of the way like they should…that hurts too. Living without love hurts it scars it feels completely dark.

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