My therapist won’t know how it feels to be loosing your mind, it’s getting harder and harder to keep up and write entries in my blog. People are not held up to the same standards that I am. There is not always a balance, days I don’t know how to get there. Your always asked or told to love yourself things will get better or at least be happy about my life and push forward.
I have not felt that way for a long time, What do I do to get what I want or where I want to get to? My therapist doesn’t understand and it’s ok, it’s ok. It’s interesting that I would be asked how long am I going to hurt myself and I didn’t have an answer for that. How could I, isn’t the more appropriate question is if I even know what is hurting me? Is it my faith or being gay and how I can’t deal with balancing them both because it means giving up parts of me and at that it feels like huge parts of myself and it’s harder now to put myself back in the box.
Besides that there is nothing out here, all of this time and nothing, just nothing. My therapist doesn’t know what it feels like to have these compliments and it does nothing to make me better, to make me feel as though I am getting better. I am not I feel this huge haze of darkness and depression looming around me like a pulse in constant motion. I am in trouble in the worst way and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have a big health issue that I can’t let get out because small town and all, and I don’t have the energy to fight everyone.
That’s how it is, I started this blog to unburden my mind, help along the way if possible. It’s funny how we can help others but can’t turn the focus on ourselves. There are consequences there always are and it’s hard not to be bitter to be hurt to be agitated, when this is your life and I am stuck in the middle. My life is not an easy solution to be fixed.
It is good though to have a therapist to talk to, to detox all of life’s ills away, but he won’t understand and that’s ok because it has to be ok and I make it ok because what else is there to look forward to. Then you wake up and press on like nothing happened it’s what I do.