All of these pills

Soon I will be going on an antidepressant, I know I have misgivings and I feel that’s it about making sure my therapist is happy and that there is not a reason deemed necessary to take action against me. 

Things don’t feel like they are a personal decision anymore it feels like a fight all of the time. I tried listening to some new music and it was good set my endorphins on fire, now I feel like super crap my chest feels right and I know I am angry at everything.

I am trying to get to a place where I accept that E.L. Left and he is not coming back and the way I felt I have to find someone else and I may not be able to do that. Also I want my therapist to go and date and be happy. I care even though I listen to music to numb my emotions my feelings, because I feel dead inside and I want to lynch that neonazi asshat. I want to hear him scream when he burns and eat popcorn while the fire consumes his body and then piss on the carcass. 

I feel comfortable with people dying and them needing to die. It also hurts at the same time, it hurts to feel that way I manage but I am not ok, I know I am and I don’t think I care anymore.


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