February 27, 2017

The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.

I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.

I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.

At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.

So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself. 

It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.

Honest clarity

The longer I am on this medication the more I feel as though it’s opening me up to myself, like I can’t deny it, I have to experience it. So when I am looking back on things I don’t like what I experienced, I don’t like how I see me and my outlook on everything else. It still feels lonely no matter who or what I try to put in my life and it sucks. 

I feel terrible, it reminds me of an episode  from savage love podcast, it was last week. Dan happened to be talking about people doing things to be nice or kind of feeling pressured and then just backing off. It got me thinking about my behavior but also when I was with E.L. It got me thinking what was real and when did it stop, and when did I give an impression that I didn’t care or whatever. I did care and parts of me still do deeply. 

Now I am at a temping job that feels bigger than me and I don’t feel interested in, I feel bothered and I feel anxiety. Not all of the time just today. Issues that I am having I did not think I would still be dealing with, I guess I’m not the fuck it and forget it type like so many others are. Still to this day I thought I would be farther along than I have been. I don’t feel connected to anything anymore. No matter how many gay related YouTube vids I watch, coming out vids or what I take in spiritually, I just don’t fell connected. I feel like I need a break or I need to check out on life. It’s not that it’s complicated, it really not enjoyable like it used to be before I went through How phase 2.0.

The older I get the bigger the chasim gets, I never feel like I am not in the trenches of war, if it’s not with myself, it’s gay life, if not gay life, being black, if not being black it’s being relatable. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I had the strength to end it a good decade ago, then I wouldn’t be where I am now. 

The best thing this antidepressant has done is start to drain the lake of my life, to just expose everything under the surface, things that no matter how you weigh it down it it’s weighting to float to the surface.