The longer I am on this medication the more I feel as though it’s opening me up to myself, like I can’t deny it, I have to experience it. So when I am looking back on things I don’t like what I experienced, I don’t like how I see me and my outlook on everything else. It still feels lonely no matter who or what I try to put in my life and it sucks.
I feel terrible, it reminds me of an episode from savage love podcast, it was last week. Dan happened to be talking about people doing things to be nice or kind of feeling pressured and then just backing off. It got me thinking about my behavior but also when I was with E.L. It got me thinking what was real and when did it stop, and when did I give an impression that I didn’t care or whatever. I did care and parts of me still do deeply.
Now I am at a temping job that feels bigger than me and I don’t feel interested in, I feel bothered and I feel anxiety. Not all of the time just today. Issues that I am having I did not think I would still be dealing with, I guess I’m not the fuck it and forget it type like so many others are. Still to this day I thought I would be farther along than I have been. I don’t feel connected to anything anymore. No matter how many gay related YouTube vids I watch, coming out vids or what I take in spiritually, I just don’t fell connected. I feel like I need a break or I need to check out on life. It’s not that it’s complicated, it really not enjoyable like it used to be before I went through How phase 2.0.
The older I get the bigger the chasim gets, I never feel like I am not in the trenches of war, if it’s not with myself, it’s gay life, if not gay life, being black, if not being black it’s being relatable. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I had the strength to end it a good decade ago, then I wouldn’t be where I am now.
The best thing this antidepressant has done is start to drain the lake of my life, to just expose everything under the surface, things that no matter how you weigh it down it it’s weighting to float to the surface.