You can’t have better until you want better

Between addiction and self-esteem there is a big amount of control in my life that I need to account for. I am getting better and doors in my life that need to stay closed are for the most part closed.

There are things going on in my life that are helping to redefine myself as a person and there are most days I am in my feelings. The more rude folks I run into, the more I realize I am not able to have small talk or conversations with people without it turning into a rude situation I feel less and less inclined to feel that finding new people is really possible, have I grown into my personality at 33 yes I have. I am processing people more and even though I feel disconnected to communities in life, I do not feel as though I am missing out having to deal with people.

What I learned this week is that the lack of validation from people does not counteract, invalidate, or make me worthless as a person. I will not die the second someone ignores that I exist, I will not die when things don’t work out the way I need them to. I will not die when I run into a hurdle or fall down. 

I am 33 and the needed change has needed to come from me. People will take what I give them and want more, the second I ask for anything I get nothing in return, blank responses until I feed their beast. I need to take care of me and screw the rest of what doesn’t fit in to my plans, that’s how this world works.

Having better for me means getting better and getting better means doing things I need to do, accepting my limitations, and elevating my self worth because I am working harder to be the best version of myself that I want to be. I have played by people’s rules and got screwed by it every time, I choose a different road a better road.

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Past 30 and gay

Navigating these waters happen to be getting difficult, I really can’t seem to catch a break and everything has changed, so much has changed. The internet is not really the place to meet people anymore. Every one has an excuse, when folks don’t like a situation they bail out, and if people do that with sex then imagine trying to date someone. 

People barely talk as it is, I keep giving them the benefit of a doubt and the fail right on time. The good thing about my life now is that I am at an age where to much has happened to me and I don’t care, I will not be bothered with people and situations I have no power over. Those words are true for a reason. For me it’s not about the fact of what people are saying is true or not. I just don’t care and I refuse to be bothered by what people will or won’t do or how they represent themselves. It’s true it’s the people not the community at times.

Now going back to the community there is such a toxic element in it that is just making it really bad, the colorism and the ageism, are two big factors. It has not changed in fact it has gotten worse. Filtering out people based on color is NOT a preference, again NOT a preference. Hair color, eye color, height, age, body type, cut uncut are preferences. Even though I don’t like the ageism either, but when people will mess around with a willing married person I really have to question people’s thinking.

The community would be a whole lot better if it learned to communicate and stop playing games. The more I learn, the more I realize that talking to people face to face has so many benefits to it. Just knowing how people feel and knowing and feeling that there is no real expectation for sex unless it’s offered. So I have gone to this place called Flex I have enjoyed it because it’s an atmosphere that I can be myself and not feel judged, I know that not everyone will be attracted to me but I don’t care, it’s the organic nature of being in someone’s company that really helps, that takes a degree of the hurt away. 

We have become a community of hurt and not the community that was originally started out as. People filter their own existence away, people just don’t represent themselves with the pride they say they have and they have taken that away from so many other people as well. It’s looks not substance, not personality, but superficial aires. People treat themselves like plastic surgery cutting away flaws they don’t want for themselves or other people.

AGE

Most things found on these apps is that there is a cut off limit to atractivness and apparently it’s 30. Strangers in passing are still astounded that I look young for 33 I do I know I do and when I want to I can shave off my facial hair or my chest hair and let my youth shine through, but is that really being myself or is that playing to an advantage that helps me out? To be honest it’s an advantage, yet I hate that my attraction is limited to my age, it’s narrow and immature. Granted I also love how the community has a wide range of folks with various interests when it comes to men, still the focus should be on interests not all of these basic tropes, that people are lost on. It’s yes foolish and very childish, people have grown in to a deep hole of me first and screw everyone else. We miss experience and opportunities to learn about people and who they are and why this community is as a whole. People are comfortable and that is a very dangerous pedestal to be sitting on, it can lead to a equally dangerous fall. That’s why I don’t stay with these apps long because they kill me emotionally inside, and year after year it’s the same faces looking but not finding what they are looking for.

It’s my fault

Money at times can be hard to come by and trying to save it for things I use it on or people is not something I have on tap, so when it was taken from me, I realized that that situation was my fault, an older guy told me at Flex, he does not meet people on the internet because you don’t know them, ironic how I did not head that lesson, what’s even more hilarious the guy who took my money was not even my first pick, I called up someone before him and got tired of being put off so then I called someone else, my lust and greed stabbed me all over with pain I was not really ready for. So it’s time to cut it all off, all over again, it’s time to embrace the decade of sealing, sealing off all of my gay feelings for good this time, people are becoming worse and worse, so the likely hood of me finding what I need and want is really not going to happen, and I am finally ok with that. 

I stayed up late last night into the early a.m. Because I was still rattled by what happened to me, I should not have engaged,  period.

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.

Put humility on everything

There is really so much to learn, to take in and in this moment my emotions are wrecked. I sent an email to my therapist and the answer I got back was really not what I was looking for, it did not feel like it was what I needed, I just knew he was busy and I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

It took part of the morning to realize that it was really not displaying a humble attitude at all. I need to work better with my support system and get out what I am feeling. This past weekend turned out good, I had just felt so out of place. My heart and emotions feel off balance. I just regret my actions afterwards, I ‘am feeling like trash, all I had to do was keep going, the pills have been working I have been under control and I messed that up, that’s why I will have to work harder now to get some balance.

I have been in this continued cycle and I don’t feel good, I have no idea of what I am doing or still trying to accomplish. There are days that I really need to remember what I am trying to accomplish, to be better, sexually sober and not in these cycles. 

I need to be happy and appreciative that I can deal with myself with antidepressants, it’s better than how I was feeling and acting before hand, it was horrible, I just want to stop being and feeling horrible. I feel disconnected and real awful, it’s those moments that I question my existence, where I am going, if I’m getting any better. I have got to get off this path.

3/1/2017

I don’t know when, I don’t know how…

I look out of the narrow tall window 

Nothing to see but an empty space 

People that come in and out of view

Vehicles in and out in a single blink.

Hand through my hair, this smell unfamiliar 

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I touch my skin, is this even mine can it be mine

To breathe in to breathe out

Is it hope in depression out

Is it depression in hope out

Or is it all just covered over by anger

I think I forgot to know the difference.

When the mouth speaks words have meaning 

What I write is what I feel

What I say is what I feel

It’s an emotional deal.

It’s hard to think straight to not get swept down stream. 

I feel like I have been daydreaming 

Why am I in this hole

Who is that with the words sex written all over him

I am being buried by that same figure 

Of wait he looks like me

Smile child smile

The truth is up to your knees

If I hurry maybe I can finally climb out

It looks so far up, maybe it’s been in my head

The whole situation has always been just waist deep.

I could walk out at anytime.

The bodies, yes the bodies of my lust

Their grip is as strong as death 

They won’t be denied they won’t be deterred

They won’t stay buried 

They won’t return love

They corrupt my skin 

They corrupt my heart

They won’t die off they won’t stay down

They have all the strength in the world to drag me down.

Hands all over me, I feel no pain, I feel desire

I feel sick with lust in all the wrong places

This is my love sick, sex sick, addiction

That line between hot bodies and cold connections

Every time I say no I feel the hands

The long injection of lust, to feed to hunger

In my veins in goes

The light feels dimmer 

Almost buried alive lost and forgotten

My hand reaches out, can I claw out

To be continued…