You can’t have better until you want better

Between addiction and self-esteem there is a big amount of control in my life that I need to account for. I am getting better and doors in my life that need to stay closed are for the most part closed.

There are things going on in my life that are helping to redefine myself as a person and there are most days I am in my feelings. The more rude folks I run into, the more I realize I am not able to have small talk or conversations with people without it turning into a rude situation I feel less and less inclined to feel that finding new people is really possible, have I grown into my personality at 33 yes I have. I am processing people more and even though I feel disconnected to communities in life, I do not feel as though I am missing out having to deal with people.

What I learned this week is that the lack of validation from people does not counteract, invalidate, or make me worthless as a person. I will not die the second someone ignores that I exist, I will not die when things don’t work out the way I need them to. I will not die when I run into a hurdle or fall down. 

I am 33 and the needed change has needed to come from me. People will take what I give them and want more, the second I ask for anything I get nothing in return, blank responses until I feed their beast. I need to take care of me and screw the rest of what doesn’t fit in to my plans, that’s how this world works.

Having better for me means getting better and getting better means doing things I need to do, accepting my limitations, and elevating my self worth because I am working harder to be the best version of myself that I want to be. I have played by people’s rules and got screwed by it every time, I choose a different road a better road.


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