Text lastnight

Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you. 

I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.

I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.

I knew if I took you home I would touch you.

I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.

It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true. 

I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.

When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.

You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too. 

Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.

Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale. 

My Sages are bald white men

Navigating through life I have had in my life currently three bald white men, from school, work, and therapy.

All of these men I have wanted to have sex with, but they were too straight to take, instead they gave me knowledge to navigate through life, helping me find my way and discover what makes me tick.

They were definitely handsome and eye candy at that, but they always broke me down, challenged my mind and I feel that always helped to make me better, helped me plant roots, I believe that’s what their role is and I am glad I met them, three sages in three different periods of my life.

There are good things around the cornerĀ 

Sometimes it’s not about closed doors, some days you need to do the closing. Let the distractions go and see what opens for you, getting to new levels in our lives and that is worth closing some doors. I have barley spent time just going out and cutting loose and doing the fun things in life. 

I got invited to go to L.A. and see deadmau5 in Cali, so I want to see what’s good, and buy my ticket and get ready to go and sweat for hours and hours while dancing. At times when I feel I don’t have friends who will get me maybe it’s because I have my own boarder wall that keeps hem from seeing me. That should stop, I should stop and walk out of my panic room and remover there is life out there.

If I get to go great if I don’t that’s fine too but I can live if I want to. That’s the most important thing as well things do change, I just shut enough doors to get there.

4/25/2017

I want men to leave me the fuck alone, now I know what women have had to deal with. Men are the most problematic species on the face of the earth and at this point no matter how much dick I have sucked or men I have fucked I would rather date and marry a woman than deal with another man terrorizing my life with their bullshit.

I can’t believe that I would get asked a question as to why I want to suck a guys dick when you are the guy who put out the post to get your dick sucked in the first place, then ask me why. The reason is obvious when I replied. So then I have to tell this ass like I tell so many others that my mouth does the talking I am not hear to describe a blowjob, I didn’t come here for a date, so if your not interested don’t waste my time.

That is the common theme dealing with young men and men in general in the gay community and finally I just decided to get off the train that is one day going to derail. The reason why a majority of this situation is my fault because I let my addiction and my weak ass nature get into every situation with men. I am to smart, too good looking, to be asked basic ass questions from men who can show their penis but not their face. So when people wise up and expect more maybe they can get the relationships they want. Me, I don’t want anything further from men they have nothing to give to me, they have done more harm to my life than benefit from it, not including therapist. I am just done, done, done, done, thank you and have a great day.

Running from Men

You make me miserable, you do not work, I feel like I am running on empty. Every time I swear my kind there you come where I am at, making see that I can’t escape , making see all the things I can’t get, to bait me, to make me miss it, want it, surrender, just like that.

I am never happy I feel dragged down, if I could cut my arms and bleed my desire out I would, until I cold lifeless, the same temperature of an arctic winter. 

I want to cut off my skin, I don’t feel safe, I feel betrayed in it, I feel insecure, I feel hollow, dark, dank, and sinking.

Paralyzed, and I just want to be left alone, what I want does not exist. I want to burn my feelings out of me with all my might, I want to feel nothing, nothing at all.

It takes make strength to want to run to care to run, yet I need to, yet I have to.

I came to love me

Examples, experience, actions, in the name of love, in order to find it, we need to embrace self love, the kind that helps us deserve and give the best. The kind of love that has us thinking of the other person and how being with someone can add to their happiness. Yet do we do the work to add to our own happiness. Broke down cars can’t fix themselves and buildings don’t build themselves, it takes work, at times it takes other helping hands, at times it takes our own.

True pure love, that motivates us to be our best can rub off on others, it can help us to be less critical, it can help us to reason that some people and in some situations not every body is receptive or ready to receive love. Yet you could have also worked the soil for something to grow. 

It’s easy to be mad or simply enraged at situations that we do not full understand. Our happiness is our own and it can also be a tool to teach others, why? It’s a healing to who we are, we thrive and we are healthy when we are happy. So I may not be a doctor but I am writing a prescription for everyone to love yourself as many times as needed daily. Let that never be in short supply.

4/9/2017

I had a dream, that I was in a sexual relationship with one guy lusting after another and I liked the guy I was with hoping to start something serious with him, but he wrote a letter about everything he hated about me and it really hit me hard and hurt my feelings, also in this same dream talked about how aweful the sex was.

Naturally you ration why don’t you tell me how you feel? Then you realize that is just a normal response with people nowadays, tolerate till you hate someone. It’s like you have to work up to being honest. 

In that dream, I am getting under the cover oral, as the other guy and I can only assume he is a friend of the guy I am with or something, keeps peaking under the covers before the guy I am with tells me he hates me, and then I end up having sex with the other guy, it’s hard to follow, I just know that I feel pained so much pain feeling that I won’t be able to have a successful relationship with a guy or maybe anyone, that maybe that hate is not other people it’s my hate and shame for myself how I feel and still feel, inadequate on every parameter.

Living my truth: Me and 33

33 has managed to do a lot to change the view of how I am developing into a better well rounded adult, along with my antidepressant, and seeking to have a better spiritual relationship with God. 

I have been tackling jobs, thinking better, gaining better organizational skills. I…am…growing, and it feels good, we grow at different points in our lives. I realize I just got to a place where it’s ok, I needed that, at some point people get to a place where they grow into themselves. It’s good to feel like I tingle and I am brimming with my own personal power, to just be high off your endorphins. 

How we grow can be a very important part as to how we mature into adulthood, just like DNA, people are very different and circumstances are always subject to change. It’s never a new me just a new look, that in itself is also ok. 

Love, endorphins, and positivity

When it’s no longer the people it’s the culture

There have been many instances where I have come for the gay community and it’s becoming more and more apparent that there needs to be a facelift and a complete overhaul at how we have looked at each other, and treated each other.

It seems that even I need that refinement myself. Sometimes after an encounter I would feel the need to complain about how the community treats its own people. 

Past that it has just seemed to grow, from Craigslist to Grindr there are people from various ages or walks of life complaining about the games, people flaking, people being rude, all of the nudes, and the conversations that go nowhere. 

Pride was this last weekend and I talked to a friend who opted out of pride, now I never got an answer, but I have seen that from the FB posts he had been tired of all the bull coming from the community. All the comments that would be said, and I was completely aware of all of these things. I don’t understand how the community went from being out and proud to being looks and shallow.

Now it’s having sex with DL dudes, married and partnered or open relationship guys and people won’t pull away from technology to go organic like they should do. People don’t go out for drinks or beers like they could, people just put the wrong emphasis on situations, you can go out and get to know someone and that’s ok. People should be doing this more, I don’t understand it, when folks want to have a safe meet up instead they are getting interviewed when if you wanted to interview someone go grab a drink and quit playing around, people are about not having their time wasted and that is 99% of the time. 

FYI for all of these guys that say no response is a response, it’s not, I don’t know if you work a lot, if your in the shower in transit, so don’t be a child be a man and just say sorry I am not interest, or block someone it’s just that simple. So without body shaming, stop having half naked profile pics and pretend it’s not all you are, who lied to you…If you can’t catch a convo or dates being dressed it says a lot, young people do this a lot and then turn around and end up being rude AF.

Nude pics stop sending your nude pics and not coming off with an address, I…don’t…need…to…see…your naked pics. Stop giving people a complex, stop pissing people off, stop thinking that your attention, your self worth is based on exposure, it’s not.

I get reminded every so often to keep my distance from the gay community, it tends to fuck you up further and further and you feel empty handed.