Burn my house down

To make progress to get progress, sometimes things have to burn, sometimes things are parts of you just can’t go on that road of life with you. It’s ok and people won’t always understand, that’s ok too.

While I tear up my foundation first I have to burn my house down, and the things in it that keep me trapped, as I see myself looking out at me through that window, surrounded by parts of me, it knows it’s not getting out. As the fire comes to life and engulfs the house, I can hear the screams of my old self everything I can’t let live, calling out for help. It’s past time where I can help, I watch the fire rage and my old self disappears from the window, when the screaming stops and I can feel the heat rage I walk away to let the fire complete its work. To burn away the things that doesn’t work, to burn away the things past it’s usefulness, to burn away what shouldn’t exist. I walk, I walk, I walk, I walk away.

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Tearing up my foundation 

It’s another therapy session, today I am talking about foundations. 

It’s the ground work in which we build our house on. If you build it right and maintain it, it can prosper, if we ignore the cracks and shifts in the foundation, it can break you just like it can break a house.

My house is sun bleached, the color has faded, it looks dusty but livable. The foundation is severely cracked, its splitting the house. My house and my foundation are my life and it’s not stable. The things in my house are cluttered and unsightly.  I decided to get up take my sledge hammer and break up my foundation and house. It’s going to collapse on me and I see the signs. 

Why would I break up my foundation and my house? Importantly what does it symbolize? It means getting rid of people, situations, things, and ideals that are toxic to my environment. Breaking my foundation, my house, because they have greatly effective my willbeing most of all. It will take time, that’s ok, but I will feel better and I would rather start over then die by several means of my foundation. I will build a new and that’s just perfect.

It’s ok if you don’t understand¬†

I had to delete books I have been reading, audio books too, that I love because, unfollow some folks too, because I ddon’t not know where I am at, I love sex and I love reading sexual content gay or straight about sex, it took me too long to realize that I needed to let that go too. I am trying to make better steps, I am just in another period in my life where sex should not be everything, and yet it feels like it, a whole lot. 

I make rash bad decisions and judgement calls because I let my sexual lust and impulses take the wheel. I have been a selfish coward for many years for not dealing with everything that has bothered me. My train of thought is not all the way right, I want to say things that can be troublesome, and at times alarming. I still need to develop more people skills. 

I think for the first time in a while I have just never been so scared to try and be a whole person that it’s a struggle for me.

5/13/2017

I am getting ready to go on a family vacation without my mom, she is sick and she has an infection and fluid around her heart, it leaves me feeling weird and apprehensive to leave her behind. I feel uneasy because if something happens, I will be very angry. There are things I just can’t prevent, I just realized I am ill equipped to be on my own, survive on my own, because we do so many family related things which is not a problem but for me I have not ventured long enough on my own two feet to feel like I can say to life I have got this and I will be ok no matter what happens. So I am scared to leave her behind, I have not grown up enough.

Down day continued

I am really feeling it, my emotions dulling down sadness, yet I woke up feeling anger a whole bed to myself, people run free and happy. It kills my vibe, instantaneously, my emotions go and my interest goes with it, fun, happiness, activities, living, they go out the window. I forgot my IPhone ear phones again, now I can’t listen to podcasts to try and offset my mood, I am quite upset about that. 

We still say that if we can’t love ourselves then how do we expect others, well it’s interesting how we stay for abuse and hope it turns into love. Being single is a stigma in this country, there is always something wrong with what you don’t have instead of being happy with what you could attain. 

I can’t be myself in a world that needs to change, what is the point of changing myself just to gripe about the problems, and situations that still need to be adjusted. It’s not about these awesome memes that talk about being alone because you don’t want to deal with other people’s games and crap and yet, we don’t ask for better we just drift along with the contaminants in the water.

Next to nothing makes me happy anymore, it’s saddening, emotionally scaring. At the end of the day people won’t step up. 

I used to dream of embracing who I really am, but you grow up get realistic and drown all of your dreams in a tub until they stop moving and just float, so I can dry my hands off and walk into another room like my dreams never existed. It’s apple that you expect to choke to death on, to just close your eyes and hope this nightmare fades into non existent times when you can let it feel like dejavu but pay it no heed. That’s life for some not for all. 

This world is a demonic specter, that creeps on your shadows waiting, lurking in safe spaces, to pull you down ankles first.

The scent of agitation 

I try to stay focused away from the lonely period in my life which seem to become frequent. I wonder how I am so oblivious to everyone finding relationships, someone to be with be they gay, straight, bi, trams, yet still not me. 

My anxiety starts to rise when I see new couple pics the smiles the post the happiness, and that still I have none of it, how it twists me up emotionally, how it corrupts my heart. How it undeniably shakes me once again, how I can feel my mind telling me I am trash, that everyone can be happy but you can’t, that your very existence is wrong. Being alive is wrong, living is a punishment that is especially designed for me.

Oh how I want to scream and howl and lament in defeat, how I want tears to stream down my face, to cry so hard that I can’t make sound escape from throat. Where my muscles ache so much from the agony of being alone. I feel like no one gets it, that it’s something that has to be ignored, that my pain has to be ignored. 

I had to look away, I couldn’t cope with being a disappointment, I couldn’t cope with feeling inadequate, something that people have to get away from, that I am not worthy of being loved. That I have to go through life being alone, and I don’t know how to get away from it. It’s the only thing that motivates me to want to kill myself, it’s the only thing that hurts me more than anything. There are very few things in life hat have hurt me, but nothing comes close to this. I would rather die than think or feel that I will walk this earth without a mate, and spend my days bitter.

Having a seriously down day

I bought a game I don’t care to play even though I want to, but I am to depressed to care. I am back in Arizona and it feels like everything I got away from  just happened to be waiting for me like a family reunion with a welcome home banner.

With that said my hate come back, and the hurt with it. I hate people who are married because it’s not me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or so vile that it’s not me, I hate the type of white gays who make the gay community unbearable to be associated with, their bullshit choice revolving around race. I hate myself some days for not being straight because I would have just had better options. I hate that it gets harder to wake up, that it gets harder to love myself or care just because I am alone and it has haunted me for such a long time and no one understands, I can’t just cope through it.

I have a sexual addiction that adds on to the stress in my life. I don’t feel Christian by a country mile and I want to. I am so angry I have never wanted to kill people more in my life for having things I want I need I crave…I fell like I can make someone happy, maybe I just ran out of time along time ago and I am on borrowed time.

I just…feel like I am back into that cycle of misery, and I just pray that at one point I will end. I have just been in the outside for so long it’s like being in the prison system and I don’t know how to adjust to life gay or straight, I just know and accept pain and dejection.

May 1st 2017

It’s a new month, I came from a Deadmau5 concert in LA at the Shrine. I went with a small group, it felt so good to be out of Arizona, it felt so good to do things with folks and not think about sex at all. It felt good to feel more of a person and less of an addict, like I had more self control than I gave myself credit for.

Even though when I was at the concert I wanted people to move in close and dance on me, I want to feel heat and flesh, so instead of that I danced until I felt heat and sweat and it was just as fulfilling.

Yet after hours of driving and being away for a weekend, my ex reminded me of how horny I get and I really do. I didn’t do anything and it still made me feel like I did something wrong, I felt as though I still needed male validation through sex and that was all that I was in a nutshell and it hurt, so when I jumped back into looking, my body shook like an alcoholic, I went from craigslist, to twitter taking in everything I could, and it felt bad. I get tired of being made to remember some of the things I don’t particularly like about about the gay lifestyle.

It just felt good to step back, and have three days without drama. Until this morning when I went and shaved so I could take pics to get sex, I didn’t do that, I just felt like I had to take a harder look at which direction I am going in.