Having a seriously down day

I bought a game I don’t care to play even though I want to, but I am to depressed to care. I am back in Arizona and it feels like everything I got away from  just happened to be waiting for me like a family reunion with a welcome home banner.

With that said my hate come back, and the hurt with it. I hate people who are married because it’s not me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or so vile that it’s not me, I hate the type of white gays who make the gay community unbearable to be associated with, their bullshit choice revolving around race. I hate myself some days for not being straight because I would have just had better options. I hate that it gets harder to wake up, that it gets harder to love myself or care just because I am alone and it has haunted me for such a long time and no one understands, I can’t just cope through it.

I have a sexual addiction that adds on to the stress in my life. I don’t feel Christian by a country mile and I want to. I am so angry I have never wanted to kill people more in my life for having things I want I need I crave…I fell like I can make someone happy, maybe I just ran out of time along time ago and I am on borrowed time.

I just…feel like I am back into that cycle of misery, and I just pray that at one point I will end. I have just been in the outside for so long it’s like being in the prison system and I don’t know how to adjust to life gay or straight, I just know and accept pain and dejection.

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