Almost 30 sober

Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.

It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.

So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.

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9/27/2017

If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.

I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.

Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.

Geez

Having a small part of Eric back in my life is good, I wish it were better, I feel lonely and it’s not a great feeling at all. Still it’s not, still can’t believe I am in this place where I am lonely and it doesn’t really change as much as I hoped it would.

Life doesn’t feel as interesting as I need it to be and that sucks, but that’s where I am at right now.

I have not cried in a while

I have been holding in needed tears, tears of grief, tears of sorrow, there has been so many people that I know that have passed away, I can’t keep up.

I have been off my antidepressant medication and I feel everything more, even anger.

I know I need to let it go, and I am scared to let it go, it’s just not healthy to keep it in. I know I will have to let it out, I need to do it for my piece of mind for the release.

Anger thrives on the pressure so a good cry is needed.