Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.
It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.
So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.
If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.
I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.
Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.
Having a small part of Eric back in my life is good, I wish it were better, I feel lonely and it’s not a great feeling at all. Still it’s not, still can’t believe I am in this place where I am lonely and it doesn’t really change as much as I hoped it would.
Life doesn’t feel as interesting as I need it to be and that sucks, but that’s where I am at right now.
Talking to Eric I hope it is upbuilding to him, that it can move him in a better area in his life.
I feel like I really want him to be ok. I don’t know how long it could take but I pray he gets there, it makes me feel good just to hear from him and talk to him.
Life is tough and people need support, people need to know that people have their back.
I have been holding in needed tears, tears of grief, tears of sorrow, there has been so many people that I know that have passed away, I can’t keep up.
I have been off my antidepressant medication and I feel everything more, even anger.
I know I need to let it go, and I am scared to let it go, it’s just not healthy to keep it in. I know I will have to let it out, I need to do it for my piece of mind for the release.
Anger thrives on the pressure so a good cry is needed.
His new song gives me the absolute feels to my core, I had to get that song, at least I got it this year.
I don’t care who you are, when it comes to music get what makes you feel, what moves you even if moves you to tears, we need more people who can feel anyway.