God is not trying to bless America you blood guilty hypocrites

If you think candles and singing God bless America is going to get you blessings and favors you have lost your damn mind.

Why would God want to bless a country who won’t lift a finger to quit murdering their own people and shrugging their shoulders about it. Guns are your idols and Gods, so who are you praying to, I know who it is, it’s the devil.

Your God is the NRA, and your hands are drenched in blood, you protect your god with all your might, and commit genocide in its name.

What business do any of you have to be out their to petition God for a blessing from this sin? 59 people died, 500+ people are injured. One man and a weapon that normal citizens have no business possessing.

No amount of candles or singing will wipe the blood off of any of you! To argue so hard to be so selfish to have every weapon that people can get their hands on has not worked, it has killed more people.

That’s how this works, break records, many dead bodies, debate, candles, pray, forget, and repeat.

People are monsters and it’s more apparent that race, and fear play a major role when it comes these issues. The bottom line is that guns are more important than people and that the second amendment is now more powerful than the first.

God and Jesus have left this country a long time ago, why would they want to help the people of the lands I reside on, when they have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.

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Almost 30 sober

Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.

It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.

So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.

9/27/2017

If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.

I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.

Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.

Geez

Having a small part of Eric back in my life is good, I wish it were better, I feel lonely and it’s not a great feeling at all. Still it’s not, still can’t believe I am in this place where I am lonely and it doesn’t really change as much as I hoped it would.

Life doesn’t feel as interesting as I need it to be and that sucks, but that’s where I am at right now.

I have not cried in a while

I have been holding in needed tears, tears of grief, tears of sorrow, there has been so many people that I know that have passed away, I can’t keep up.

I have been off my antidepressant medication and I feel everything more, even anger.

I know I need to let it go, and I am scared to let it go, it’s just not healthy to keep it in. I know I will have to let it out, I need to do it for my piece of mind for the release.

Anger thrives on the pressure so a good cry is needed.

Rest In Peace

Hayes

Found hung, it was a message I had to read from the mother of his daughter. So young so tender in years that she will never get to grow up with her father in her life. Life has been hard on him and have a record and getting past that is not easier either. It gets hard to hold back the tears and taking time out to say the things that needed to be said.

I feel this entire world failed him. We are always told to pull ourselves up, but let’s be honest, it’s against so many people and it’s too easy to give people a reason shut people down, force them to give up. I have never been in his position or wonder what was going on in his mind that death was the answer.

I understand it, when you get to a place that you would rather be dead than feel like you failed your child, maybe that was it, I don’t know because unfortunately I did not know him like that, I did not invest in him like I should have.

8/16/2017

There is so much craziness going on in the world.

Trump and his mouth

Trump has been vocal since Obama was president and now Trump has been looking very weak, and showing the very core nature of how he is and what he believes. I am not surprised when he comes out under duress to do something he does not want to do, if that is how he feels he should not have become president, he should have minded his own business and moved on.

He is officially the worst president in the history of this country and has made previously bad ones from 1 year to 8 years look better than previous. When history looks upon Trump I hope they see how his very nature further corrupted a country.

So this “both sides, many sides” rhetoric is trash. When these terrorist came out and started attacking people the night before they were about trouble like their predecessors, let’s be truthful, side by side comparison.

He bullied his way into office and showed the very savage nature that has been fostered in people for generations. He doesn’t look presidential he looks defeated and vacations way to much. Everyone who gets involved with him must be stressed and drinking because the amount of crowd control they do is titanic.

Charlottesville

All about a racist preservation of horrible ideology. Which seems to be the biggest oxymoron for when some Americans say that slavery is over that we’re past racial issues. You can’t be over something that still exists and is in your backyard. People died others were critically injured and for Trump to be in the office of presidency and won’t bring himself to not be corrupt or be a human being for one moment is something that all I can do is give the side eye emoji 😒 and roll on. It’s called “The United States of America” what part of that do people don’t understand 🤔?

People still talking about their views should still be heard, you loose that right when you come out like a mob of terrorist with tiki torches and chanting like they are ready for battle. Then the next morning they came out with guns, and shields and clubs and beat people, shot off tear gas, and also used a Dodge Charger to commit vehicular manslaughter. That right there alone tells me there is nothing that needs to be talked about. Everything dealing with the Confederate needs to go away and become a mute subject forever.

Cutting emotions

I need you to cut me, cut a chord here one there. Start light and make me feel it, cut me deep, smile and enjoy it, make me gasp, breath it in.

Nuzzle me touch my skin, make it sting make it count, three, four, five. Cut me like you need to, make me love the pain, cut my emotions like you couldn't wait to get rid of them.

Make me bleed let it pool on my body like scarlet colored rubies. Cut me for my sins, cut me for feeling, cut me for existing, cut me until I scar, scar the year 2000 mosaic.

Drag me to the mirror reflect your handy work. Cut me like you will never let me go, cut me like no one else can have me. Cut me until you can pull my heart out and leave me dead inside.