Today feels bad, boring and depressing, it is taking a bunch of energy to not cry.
It’s been harder and harder to write, to journal out my frustrations but recently I have come to this realization, I don’t feel as though I can trust these hiv organizations or people partnered with them or those who push agenda’s because the more and more you wake up, the more you read the more they tweet you see that it’s lacking. I got on twitter to be more connected to those out there who are more connected to all things hiv. I happened to be completely on board until I came across a tweet about Michael Johnson getting probation, it was amazing I could believe it, he had been through so much 6 years gone and so much had happened in that time.
U = U campaign, there were so many things to be excited about until I saw who’s name was attached to the article it was Steven Thrasher. I don’t like him, and his headlines gave me reason enough to not enjoy anything he wrote pertaining to Michael. He would always start his headline with his online name Tiger Mandingo.
I was pissed that so much clout was being given to a journalist who referred to Michael as Tiger Mandingo and shared a photo of that same name. I never felt like he humanized him not once. So I spoke out and felt as though I got reprimanded by an advocate none the less I really respected. The problem I began to have with that is that this advocate referred to him as an ally. That made me feel stabbed, and attacked because now Steven had white backing and that is hard to fight when it’s been established.
You may feel why does that matter, it does because Michael is the name of the wrestler who got himself in a situation in a state that doesn’t care about people with hiv, despite the best efforts of some good advocates to advance better living and better comprehension for health with PreP, it just wasn’t available in Missouri the laws also were not different or changed in hiv criminalization because the message has changed and the science to go with it.
Yet how people treat people of color has not changed, reports from Poz.com brought out how people of color gay and bisexual alike are behind with the coverage they need and are unable to adhere to treatment because they are poor but I found this out later. I am mad because instead of a journalist who covered Michael’s story addressing him by his name, not Tiger Mandingo, he branded him, to that name. Even up to his release he still called him by that name, and people did not care, they didn’t even have the respect to correct Thrasher. Instead he is being lauded as something amazing because he covered this story, as though black people don’t have enough to deal with when it comes to bad perspectives. It’s eye opening of who will get support and who won’t. I thought something about these organizations about these advocates I shouldn’t have. That they are decent, that they would have had respect and would have been open to seeing that how a person is presented in the media matters, but they just don’t care. I had to see an interview about Steven Thrasher not once was he called out about how he headlined Michael and why he chose to repeatedly call him by that name. So I need to step as far away from anything hiv related as I can, because it hurts so much to see a black man who has less of a chance when hiv is put in the mix of getting a fair shake and all I see are the people who will promote anything in front of them.
Still thinking about you Davis, it’s hard not too, it’s really hard not to. I recently bought Monster Hunter World to play with others and I am doing everything but playing with others. It sucks, it feels hella lonely and I feel as though I am back sliding into depression. All that money and I am playing by myself and I hate it. I miss you, just wanted you to know that.
So ADAP the people who control my ability to get affordable hiv medication sent me a letter than I will not be covered, and I am pissed. I am at my limit with stuff that is just not working anymore in my life, and to be told by my case manager cussing these people out won’t do anything because they don’t care about me. I could say it’s awful to say that but I know it true.
My health is being held hostage based on my ability to try and figure out what the hell they want from me and information that I can’t get from them…I am tired of this, I am spent, I am tired of every time I turn around I have to be remind just how unrealistic this world is, how unreasonable it can be and then I risk becoming immune to the medication I am taking if I don’t find a way to, somehow become compliant without putting my status out there and risk employment, but ADAP does not care and I at my limit.
In the process of moving one office space to the next. I am still thinking about a lot of things. When I think about my sexual addiction, it’s a hard thing to wrap my head around. It’s hard to deal with how I feel, it’s hard to move on from men I have feelings for, feeling that possessive nature of I don’t want to let go.
I want some distance with everything that I feel being gay and it feels like the hardest emotions to put down. It hurts, it’s the part of myself that no matter how much I am in the outer fringe I still don’t belong there. I want to have sex with my friends and not only do I feel different, but it feels like it’s not enough, and I feel hindered, I feel isolated, I feel intense shame.
I have never gotten a chance to fall madly in love or have relationships I didn’t have to hide or date.
Life has not kind and even though I know people that are single like me, they are not gay like me, have a sexual addiction or hiv. It’s harder not to reject myself more than others could, I feel scared about people knowing who I am and what’s going on with me that, I lie, I am ready to lie, before I am ready to come forward and say this is who I am as a person.
To feel threatened in my own skin, betrayed by my thoughts and feelings, to where I can’t have peace, when I need it.
It aggravates my life spiritually too and it’s not fair. That is the biggest hurdle to endure. Feeling like a person who lives two lives at once. For some they feel like they wouldn’t want to be straight if it were an option, and some days I feel that way too, I just know it’s not me, I just know to much and I also never found the man I felt I want to be with so there was never a hope to hold on to, I have just been living half hearted and I firmly believe that hurts just as much.
I have lost so much in my life it’s just a very miserable life to be living let alone enduring, and I don’t want that to be the kind of life I have to endure that I am forced to live, that hurts more than anything.
I am not angry with God at all, I am just bitter that I can’t be all the great things I wanted to be serving him. That I feel like I failed in life, no matter what I chose, how can I feel so different and yet strive to be a complete person all the same.
I’m sorry, but I would have hurt you, asking me to accept things about myself, having no chance with you really hurt. It was the kind of hurt that I would never be good enough kind of hurt. It was just a long list added to the many things I have had to deal with people. Eric disappearing days on end, Randy talking over me, Daniel not talking really at all.
Just the clear cut bullshit that really sent me over the edge. I knew when I sent that email it was going to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from. Yet I had never been so relieved and at peace to actually say what I felt. So before things really got out of hand I had to let you go, it’s my fault and I own it.
There were things in my life that were not going to change, I will always have to struggle and I probably won’t really have any peace in my life and that I have come to peace with, I have not accepted.
I wanted deeper relationship with you that you were never going to give, even though I felt you should have. For a while I no longer felt safe around you because you had my life in your hands, you had a power that was not yours to have and I hated you for that, I resented that you could take and use against me, and I never felt that was helping.
I mourn for the fact that I will never see you again, and I feel that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s what’s important, every time I tried to take my hiv off the table you wouldn’t let me, I don’t care if I had to mutilate my body to be better change my quality of life. I am in so much pain I can’t commit suicide, I just exist like a corpse slowly going insane. How fair is that?
I am tired of being tired, having problems attach themselves on me. Maybe I should have just stayed on my antidepressant, then maybe you would have been none the wiser.
I am a self hating gay black man, who envies a straight life, who has to fight white people ideology from different walks of life across the board for what, to have no spaces left on earth to be happy, to be a part of a community I could do without, to still be that guy that no matter what, I see people better than me no matter what I accomplish and that tears me apart, to have so much anger that I don’t have room for much else.
That my pain is in my addiction, my medication, my skin color, and still I cower in pain and lament my existence, that I have to continue to hid and feel nothing but shame.
I would rather pay for sex then pay to be in a website where I have to reason with folks who don’t understand because they are not in my position, but I have to come to the ACCEPTANCE of things and people I can’t have.
Even after all of this I wish I could take it back, but I can’t and maybe one day you could forgive me for that hate and mean things I said to you. It would just be really disingenuous and I owe you more than that.
Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.
Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.
I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.
I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.
I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?
I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.
So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.
Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.
I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.
You know when you get to that point in your life, when you want your life to be interesting, and you just don’t know where to go or how to get there?
I feel like I am at that place all over again. I still feel as though I am trying to find a better version of myself that is not wrapped up in sex, and I feel rejected inside and out. I feel like I am rejecting me and other people inside and out because of my insecurities. It hurts feeling as though I am standing still and nothing is right.
I feel like I just want to be left alone, that I want to just fade away. I feel like a really bad person just because of who I am and all of my life experiences and choices, and it sucks, it really sucks, when life as a whole had turned its back on you. That who you once were and who you are have never really been enough and I don’t know where to cut the cord.
I can’t be a part of people’s lives where I don’t fit and really shouldn’t be either, but I don’t feel like I have grown into the person I should be and feel, so I don’t feel I should be there either.
I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.
I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.
So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.
He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?
I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?
So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.
So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.
I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.
Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.
I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.
If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.
The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.
Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.
I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.
When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.
It's been hard trying to get away from my sex addiction, last weekend towards the weekend I had one hot erotic dream about Peter Krause of The Catch and I spent that weekend thinking about cutting myself. Doing anything that I could to make my addiction my trauma go away.
I have not started but I think about it more and more, it's hard finding a balance in a war zone, it hard to find peace in scorched places, it's hard to not get preyed on.