November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

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Today I don’t know

You know when you get to that point in your life, when you want your life to be interesting, and you just don’t know where to go or how to get there?

I feel like I am at that place all over again. I still feel as though I am trying to find a better version of myself that is not wrapped up in sex, and I feel rejected inside and out. I feel like I am rejecting me and other people inside and out because of my insecurities. It hurts feeling as though I am standing still and nothing is right.

I feel like I just want to be left alone, that I want to just fade away. I feel like a really bad person just because of who I am and all of my life experiences and choices, and it sucks, it really sucks, when life as a whole had turned its back on you. That who you once were and who you are have never really been enough and I don’t know where to cut the cord.

I can’t be a part of people’s lives where I don’t fit and really shouldn’t be either, but I don’t feel like I have grown into the person I should be and feel, so I don’t feel I should be there either.

In my feelings on a Monday

I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.

I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.

So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.

He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?

I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?

So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.

So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.

I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.

Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.

I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.

If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.

The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.

Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.

I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.

When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.

Cuts

It's been hard trying to get away from my sex addiction, last weekend towards the weekend I had one hot erotic dream about Peter Krause of The Catch and I spent that weekend thinking about cutting myself. Doing anything that I could to make my addiction my trauma go away.
I have not started but I think about it more and more, it's hard finding a balance in a war zone, it hard to find peace in scorched places, it's hard to not get preyed on.

Shown a better way

Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project. 

This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community. 

The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library. 

Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.

I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.

I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.

The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.

It’s ok if you don’t understand 

I had to delete books I have been reading, audio books too, that I love because, unfollow some folks too, because I ddon’t not know where I am at, I love sex and I love reading sexual content gay or straight about sex, it took me too long to realize that I needed to let that go too. I am trying to make better steps, I am just in another period in my life where sex should not be everything, and yet it feels like it, a whole lot. 

I make rash bad decisions and judgement calls because I let my sexual lust and impulses take the wheel. I have been a selfish coward for many years for not dealing with everything that has bothered me. My train of thought is not all the way right, I want to say things that can be troublesome, and at times alarming. I still need to develop more people skills. 

I think for the first time in a while I have just never been so scared to try and be a whole person that it’s a struggle for me.

February 27, 2017

The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.

I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.

I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.

At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.

So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself. 

It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.

Honest clarity

The longer I am on this medication the more I feel as though it’s opening me up to myself, like I can’t deny it, I have to experience it. So when I am looking back on things I don’t like what I experienced, I don’t like how I see me and my outlook on everything else. It still feels lonely no matter who or what I try to put in my life and it sucks. 

I feel terrible, it reminds me of an episode  from savage love podcast, it was last week. Dan happened to be talking about people doing things to be nice or kind of feeling pressured and then just backing off. It got me thinking about my behavior but also when I was with E.L. It got me thinking what was real and when did it stop, and when did I give an impression that I didn’t care or whatever. I did care and parts of me still do deeply. 

Now I am at a temping job that feels bigger than me and I don’t feel interested in, I feel bothered and I feel anxiety. Not all of the time just today. Issues that I am having I did not think I would still be dealing with, I guess I’m not the fuck it and forget it type like so many others are. Still to this day I thought I would be farther along than I have been. I don’t feel connected to anything anymore. No matter how many gay related YouTube vids I watch, coming out vids or what I take in spiritually, I just don’t fell connected. I feel like I need a break or I need to check out on life. It’s not that it’s complicated, it really not enjoyable like it used to be before I went through How phase 2.0.

The older I get the bigger the chasim gets, I never feel like I am not in the trenches of war, if it’s not with myself, it’s gay life, if not gay life, being black, if not being black it’s being relatable. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I had the strength to end it a good decade ago, then I wouldn’t be where I am now. 

The best thing this antidepressant has done is start to drain the lake of my life, to just expose everything under the surface, things that no matter how you weigh it down it it’s weighting to float to the surface.