It’s ok if you don’t understand¬†

I had to delete books I have been reading, audio books too, that I love because, unfollow some folks too, because I ddon’t not know where I am at, I love sex and I love reading sexual content gay or straight about sex, it took me too long to realize that I needed to let that go too. I am trying to make better steps, I am just in another period in my life where sex should not be everything, and yet it feels like it, a whole lot. 

I make rash bad decisions and judgement calls because I let my sexual lust and impulses take the wheel. I have been a selfish coward for many years for not dealing with everything that has bothered me. My train of thought is not all the way right, I want to say things that can be troublesome, and at times alarming. I still need to develop more people skills. 

I think for the first time in a while I have just never been so scared to try and be a whole person that it’s a struggle for me.

February 27, 2017

The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.

I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.

I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.

At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.

So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself. 

It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.

Honest clarity

The longer I am on this medication the more I feel as though it’s opening me up to myself, like I can’t deny it, I have to experience it. So when I am looking back on things I don’t like what I experienced, I don’t like how I see me and my outlook on everything else. It still feels lonely no matter who or what I try to put in my life and it sucks. 

I feel terrible, it reminds me of an episode  from savage love podcast, it was last week. Dan happened to be talking about people doing things to be nice or kind of feeling pressured and then just backing off. It got me thinking about my behavior but also when I was with E.L. It got me thinking what was real and when did it stop, and when did I give an impression that I didn’t care or whatever. I did care and parts of me still do deeply. 

Now I am at a temping job that feels bigger than me and I don’t feel interested in, I feel bothered and I feel anxiety. Not all of the time just today. Issues that I am having I did not think I would still be dealing with, I guess I’m not the fuck it and forget it type like so many others are. Still to this day I thought I would be farther along than I have been. I don’t feel connected to anything anymore. No matter how many gay related YouTube vids I watch, coming out vids or what I take in spiritually, I just don’t fell connected. I feel like I need a break or I need to check out on life. It’s not that it’s complicated, it really not enjoyable like it used to be before I went through How phase 2.0.

The older I get the bigger the chasim gets, I never feel like I am not in the trenches of war, if it’s not with myself, it’s gay life, if not gay life, being black, if not being black it’s being relatable. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I had the strength to end it a good decade ago, then I wouldn’t be where I am now. 

The best thing this antidepressant has done is start to drain the lake of my life, to just expose everything under the surface, things that no matter how you weigh it down it it’s weighting to float to the surface.

2 weeks

Here is about two more weeks left in this year, it has me thinking how can I improve, how do I get better how do reach my goals.

I am trying to plan it out, there is so much to do being and adult, so much figure out and where to go from there. 

I feel really misunderstood and under that umbrella of first and last chances, I say something it’s wrong I say to much or want anything and I struck out. I just don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like I have always missed the train, and maybe it’s just me l, maybe it has always been me and I just didn’t get it I try to leave the anger behind and it never really goes away.

I don’t know if it’s the loneliness or the depression they feel the same and I am slowly breaking and feeling like I am loosing my hold on everything and at times reality, so what’s hilarious now me trying to manage or more to the point not falling apart, that I am losing my therapist, people are changing more and more and I don’t fit like I thought I used to and I guess I am the last one on the starting block to get running and get going, cause it’s changing and ending, it gets worse and rough.

Living my Truth: The desire of men

Where to begin…

There is always a coming out story a context to the history, I was one of those children who knew to much for being young, things I wanted to understand. It’s that very journey that led me to ask such questions as, why aren’t men exposed in the same context as women? Why I felt more than the usual need to share a bed with another guy when I was younger and it wasn’t looked at in a bad context that it would be today. 

Your eyes open…

To the possibility where I started to connect the dots of where my life was going and how to protect myself in situations that I never understood could cause problems for others, if the fact I like guys came out. When I look at my coming out years down the road, it was nearly traumatic for me and embarrassing because I was pretty much got into a situation to where I got myself outs and then my family knew my business, that was not fun, I did not feel empowered, I may not have been kicked out but I had never felt more exposed in my life then at that moment, I felt like I had done something wrong, and with the fighting between my parents I wasn’t supposed to tell my mother but I did anyway, cause you know…lying and all, that still haunts me, that I lived life like that, to be molded by darkness.

Sex is always…

A welcomed part of discussion, I never get enough of it, reading about it, talking about it viewing it, participating in it. Yet I want to be complete in that monogamous setting, I may be a man but I daydream what I feel to be the most thought provoking sexual scenarios. There is something about closing my eyes and just setting my body temp on high making every erotic touch and every captivating taste trigger a person, it’s not just about me, I want you to want me because I can do and keep learning to do things sexual, that is really shallow and there is more to that, I maybe an adult but there are days I feel emotionally abused, so it’s easy to give parts of me that I don’t feel sacred anymore, I should and I want to feel sacred, I am still working on connecting all of the lines of my life.

Men…

When I think men I have a type, but I have to be careful, more for myself than my therapist, he is not aware that years back there was a therapist that was working at my job and I was really attracted to him, we talked he was white tall bald married and had kids, there was just something about him being so emotionally put together emotionally secure in himself that I could not fight what I felt for him, eventually he left and I always felt horrible for it, even if I had nothing to do with him leaving he did and it broke me, it hurt for a good long while, not being able to see him, a man who in my opinion was a gladiator who could conquer and save, and I have wanted to be conquered and saved by him. Since that time it has changed and to a degree I have felt this same way about others, but I had to be to fulfill the roll.

That’s why with my current therapist I don’t want him to feel that I have projected some of those same feelings in his direction it’s a weird thing I do, I guess looking for opportunity, and to add on that list I have a problem with vulnerability more than I should be and it’s hard to know what to let go of.

Now things are…

Mixed up in my hiv univers which is another layer to everything who will give me a shot and will I get twisted up into so much jaded insecurities that I drive people away? How I wish I was a child all over again wishing to grow up all over again, and missing some of the simple things in life, like being a child, growing up. I grew up all wrong and way to fast, I try not tire out to change that and make things better to not be attracted to seductive dangerous things. Worst of all I like how it makes me feel how comfortable I am with it. So what do I do? How can I rise above it and make my way successful?

December 8th 2016

Layers…

If ever there were moments like today that trying to get my own house in order was needed it would make the top of my list. 

Getting there takes a drive that I have not really had, it has meant going the distance and being assertive on life changes that I have been not so certain that I should be or can make. 

Yet the more I do nothing the more I do nothing the more I feel that I am getting buried. It’s frustrating feeling the way that I do. It’s amazing that with my wisdom hair is coming in and that I don’t feel the same way I did, still some aggravations stay the same.

Moving forward

I don’t know if I am ready for any movement yet that’s what I should be doing, thats what I should be striving for but I just don’t feel it. It’s hard to move forward when I feel this swell of relief when I am going to get off with someone, it just feels like dating and marriage have been off the table for so long, the fact that I can even feel any relief from this is not what I have wanted. You can’t turn a rotted out house into a palace, you have to tear it down and start over with a plan and a good foundation.

Self reflection 

I look at myself with great disappointment, and all of the bad things inbetween. I have fears chasing after men again and putting myself out there, because one it really didn’t go well at all and I didn’t really get who I wanted or what I was after and there are still days I have to seriously evaluate what I am after and if that’s what I want to go after. Things are not as cut and dry as they used to be, not anymore, not like they should be. 

More to the point I wish I had the courage the will, the strength to say no to so much, to be loving more, and angry less. I wish I could smile like I used to, I miss that a lot, I am not the same person and have not been for many years, I feel more isolated, increasingly detached, my life is messy and cluttered and I have become complacent, and it’s hard to clean it up.

Been weeks

It’s been a long while since I could just get a post out, yet I needed it, I want to be about the good and the bad, the things you want to read and the things we want to avoid putting out there. I write this because people feel that being fake gets you there, being honest is better even though it’s hard and people really don’t look at it like it should be rewarded, something comfortable. People also need to know and be aware that people still feel this way, that we should be talking more.

World Aids Day 2016

Here is what I am thankful for on World Aids Day…The continued amazement and support of people around the world, people I have never met in person but are family just the same, because our goal is to see a reduction of infection, influx of education and one day the elimination of hiv/aids.

That advocate or not we do our best to make a difference and show people we not only exist but we are still fighting to make all of the sacrifices that came before us mean something. That it’s not that we have forgotten, but we are moving with the times. Making sure no more newly diagnosed individuals have to  tell stories of having hiv on their doorstep and being left wondering what’s next. That support systems exist and that our fight for equality is for everyone’s benefit. To keep us in the light and not be allowed to be pushed into darkness, so I am thankful to all of the hands that I know and don’t know who make it possible to live one more day head held up high.

Non-denominational

I have been having some great conversations with my therapist, one question that has come up more than once has been going to another church that will accept that I am gay and not have a problem with it. 

I had thought about that, but I went to a funeral years ago, over a decade, and to listen to the priest talk was super foreign to me, the whole set up was too. You go to places of worship for answers as best as you can get them. What I know I can’t unknow it, it’s a part of who I am And I can’t just go somewhere else to appease my feelings or my wants there’s so much more to understand about my life and how religion fits into it. I want to be better at that also means admitting that there is more to my life than being gay, that there is more to my life than religion to, they are just oil and water hardcore and there is no real way around it. That’s the problem.

I sound like severe teen angst, but this is really simple, I am tired of lying, I know I say it constantly but really think about it. We don’t tolerate lying in our every day lives yet we want people to tolerate lying about who they really are we don’t want people lying in relationship but it’s socially acceptable to lie about who you are and were supposed to be OK with it that in itself is a real problem. I wish honesty were something cultivated but it’s not like it used to be, we don’t demand it anymore, we want to comfortable, and that’s why I can’t go to another church, what I know is me and how it makes me feel is good regardless of everything else I am not getting to do.

Men are trash

I do not know what to do anymore honestly, I am just sick of all of these guys just being plain useless shit and I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I am turning into the non dating type, relationships that should work don’t feel like they are and trying to be friends is not working either, it just a swamp full of shit men who put on this pretense of liking you but what they really want is a relationship on their terms, and they say all of the right things to hook you in. Have you convinced that things are ok and they are not, they are simply horrible and yet men feel justified and entitled to treat you like a free ass uber, and that is worse.

I just got a text message asking where I was and I could have answered it, but I ignored it, because you don’t ask me to wait 30 minutes so we can hang and you blow me the off don’t even respond nothing then hit me up at 2:30? Really?! It’s played out, and I am the idiot riding along with it, parking up the street waiting on you to show up, and you wanted something real from me as long as I pick you up and drop you off far enough to your liking. It’s code and I know what it means, I am tired of getting the text messages to show up and fuck. I am not trying to take care of younger men who don’t have their own footing yet. I want someone who compliments me, why is that so hard? Yet I can find trash men and fuck boys in abundance?

I am trying to change my life because I refuse to be that guy who fucked his shot at happiness away. That even now I am wondering if I already missed my shot, or if I need to keep trying. It’s scary not knowing what to do, or how not to lose hope, and feel that it’s possible to come out on top.
I have been living in depression for many years and I am trying very hard not to get swallowed alive. Trying to change my life and out look, letting myself grow into someone I like, at best it’s a tall order. What do I need to do to be happy?