6/28/2017

So for some reason I can’t email my therapist because my messages comes back that’s it’s flagged as spam, so maybe it’s my email I don’t know, I just know that I worked out yesterday but really wanted to email my therapist about our last conversation and could not.

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It’s ok if you don’t understand 

I had to delete books I have been reading, audio books too, that I love because, unfollow some folks too, because I ddon’t not know where I am at, I love sex and I love reading sexual content gay or straight about sex, it took me too long to realize that I needed to let that go too. I am trying to make better steps, I am just in another period in my life where sex should not be everything, and yet it feels like it, a whole lot. 

I make rash bad decisions and judgement calls because I let my sexual lust and impulses take the wheel. I have been a selfish coward for many years for not dealing with everything that has bothered me. My train of thought is not all the way right, I want to say things that can be troublesome, and at times alarming. I still need to develop more people skills. 

I think for the first time in a while I have just never been so scared to try and be a whole person that it’s a struggle for me.

It’s a Sunday 

So I am taking it slow with guy, and in the midst of doing this I am discovering why I am not dating or marriage material at time or maybe for the rest of my life. My life has had this function in depression vibe and also he is putting me in a head space to where he wants me to help him with his career, by asking me who is looking for a personal trainer. For me I have barely been speaking to people let alone the facebook ones too, I am just not in their lives like that. 

Also I should not have told him that his feelings for me were more than one sided on his end, I just don’t know what to do with him and it just doesn’t feel right, even though I said let’s take it slow. What I really wanted was time to myself to figure my life out, and still it backfires in my face. If it’s not men it boundaries with men, it’s not wanting to be alone, not connecting with really anything anymore and feeling terrible about it, and always wondering why it’s me. Wondering how much time I have left on this planet feeling like I am slipping away still and not caring. There has to be more, there has to be something I can do to be better I just don’t know how to get there yet. To not feel sad, every time I am with my the people who share my faith and feel so wrong about my life and what I have done with it and continue to struggle to feel out of place, to feel so confused and constantly in the wrong. Feeling closed in with no way out, my body feel tired from failed moments in my life and I am starting another year feeling that same way, I am turning 33 soon and wondering if I have crawled out of that box yet. I don’t think that matters anymore, I just feel speechless at this point. Some days I just don’t think I am going to make it anymore.

Pills pills pills

At first we started out, were cool, I would be on the medication that would be a part of my life until a cure came around, but now a days people are having serious issues with the fact that they are going from a pharmacy that they love to getting dragged to another pharmaceutical company that they did not ask for and have a serious problem getting their medication.

The issue I find is that it’s scary not knowing when we will get our medication and the fear of becoming resistant to the medication that we are taking and there is no guarantee the another medication would take. It’s irresponsible to have another medical insurance company pick you up at least have your medication ready, damn you all know good and well you have all of our damn information, because you sell ours all the time. 

It has to stop and needs to stop too, can we not have to jump though hoops and deal with red tape to get our meds, that’s also why I try to roll over extra meds for situations like this because I have been through this before and it’s not fun and it should never be an issue to get hiv medication.

5/21/2016

Ok so I have not written anything in a long while this month, my unemployment dried up and I cannot reapply until October, which really sucks, and being without having any money or a job, my depression meter has gone way down into the earth and just keeps going down.

I know that I don’t really have too much to say on this subject today, I am just too tired to care, I really don’t and every time I have another lecture that I did not ask for I go deep submerge with my feelings. I know I can’t say anything that justifies a legitimate response so I just say nothing and go about my business, which honestly leaves me so fucking miserable and epically bitter and I just don’t like it, I always feel I am one day away from the street or suicide, those are my options in life.

I live in this firm belief that everything is my fault, that I always need to be empathetic to every situation that my family is going through, and I really do not feel that I need to do that shit, they are the root cause of my problems and I feel way better not being around their long ass stretch of showing me such disrespect, that when or if I ever get to the point of moving out and having financial independence for once, I would most likely never speak to them again and I would be fine.

I just do not agree with my mother’s repeat you should be the man of the house, yet I realize, vocalize, how I feel and people ignore me, so fuck it. I realize that laying around is not helping me much either, but when I have been looking, either getting no response or getting looked over, it just adds on to the depression I am already feeling, when some jobs turned into scams, and killed my good mood it has just become a complete nightmare on my life and that is what sucks the most, plus I do not have a whole lot of friends, yeah I could count them, so I am stuck, wishing I would just die, and I can feel it, it’s as though my body is releasing a chemical inside of me to start shutting me down.

It’s even harder being around people or family that on most days I just don’t want to be around them, I just don’t like them, they add to the negative feelings that are already in my life, that stab me. Funny how it can be emotionally traumatizing to live up to a complement or an expectation, when people see a light in you that you want to turn into a light house beacon and in reality it’s no bigger than a match flame. Not being hired and hearing that other people are getting jobs and it didn’t take long for them to get hired, it hurts a lot, so when I am not too busy being called lazy and that my life and my hiv is not an excuse to rise above, I feel I always have this look of who told you, you were intelligent? Who told you that you fight on an even playing field like I do, or how many applications I have to lie on because I live in a right to work state? How I know good damn well that people will use anything they can to not hire people they don’t want, then it makes my job so much harder, or to be asked why I am applying for an office job, women will think your gay if you apply for that? Do you have any idea how sexist that is to hear that shit, let alone, I am trying to get a job to fund a better life for myself and no I am not worried about who thinks what of me. Always a double standard of who gets to benefit more from what, I am just trying to work.

People have no idea of how much I hate my fucking life or how much I have just given over for the greater good of family at the detriment of me being empty handed. That’s all I have been is empty handed. Being provided for doesn’t make you feel lucky, it makes you feel like a hostage if makes you look weak to others and gives them a means to step all over you like a foot stool.

I often wonder what can I change about myself that will give anyone a reason to love me, and I am at a loss for words on that, I have come to the realization that I live on this earth to know I am just not good enough. I feel so bitter and hurt I just desire to hurt people back, I don’t care about their feelings or their struggles because they got what they wanted in life and God just rolled out the red carpet for them to have it and I hate it, I resent the very notion that no matter what I feel hate, feel that bitterness and wish my life was just so much better without all the other people in my life pissing on it.

STD’s APPS and the finger

Recently there has been a swell of talk in reference to Apps and if they are the cause of STD’s and people catching them. I will keep this simple and plain. Wear a condom, an app will help you find a person on the fly. If you get to your destination and you don’t have a condom, and they don’t and you manage to have that 60 seconds or less conversation of when is the last time you had sex, and hopefully no flags go off, and your feeling a go 70-80% about this person and it goes down, we have to own that, we need to own that. Not the Tinder, Grinder, or what ever occupies our time is responsible for not screening people. There is a window where the infection is in play and you have a serious chance of bee lining right into it.

Can we be adult now? Even if you choose to omit that maybe you were on a roll one week or one month, that there has been a lapse in our personal response to wrapping it up? Have you been hit, been a repeat doctor visit offender? When articles like this come out, that tells me that we need to get organic, talk before we hump, no I’m serious about this. This is not just out to the Hiv community this is a global roll call, No one wants to be that person, let alone that repeat offender. What this should help us really see and meditate on is that we need to ask ourselves and I being safe? Do I have some dependency on others to provide a condom? Could I just be too trusting taking others at face value? Do I still feel invincible when i should be looking for red flags, or protecting myself more?

All in all, when we take away accountability, place it on who helped me the person who burned me, then people loose their right to justifiable free speech, meaning you condemn in hypocrisy, not because we as people get around, its that we do but pass the buck and walk away at the end of the day.

How clean is clean

Clean the new version of discrimination against anyone that has hiv. Hiv is making steps in the right direction to a cure, yet what about people’s response to hiv, it’s changing and I can’t sit back and ignore how we can be so passive to the pain that that word causes, I know that people want to use that as another variation for saying hiv negative, but that’s not what anyone gets told when they get that news, you don’t get handed a bar of soap and say that’s what you need to be all clean. Your all good, it’s time that you and everyone else that comes to reads this, and stops letting people decide how we get treated, how we get discriminated or how we are allowed to be loved, and cared about. For me I’m not going to let that slide anymore, I’m not going to allow the word clean to be a process used against myself and others like it’s a job application, and that’s how I feel when I see that word, it’s a job application I have to apply for to get your attention.

I’m ignoring that every time I see that word, cause if I have to get used to hiv being a part of my life, so should others. At times it still takes some getting used to saying I have hiv, even sometimes to strangers that I try to be friend. We need to find more ways to meet each other in the middle.  We can’t always take the easy way out, and we need to stop trying to.