4/24/2018

Today feels better, working instead of being stagnant, been reflecting and wondering how I can come back and get counseling at the place where I get all my other services, but I don’t know, it was good to see my previous counselor, but it was hi and bye and it was disheartening, because then I have to feel like his life is better without my drama in it.

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Mining black vibranium

Black history month for 2018 has been a change that has been needed, finally we are starting to open up the pipe on black Excellence and showcasing what we are capable of being and starting to show our worth.

I am glad that this is going on, when the needle gets moved, when it opens up the need for more people of color to show who they are. That smaller groups need there own voices heard and it’s just time with no more excuses and while we are mining the abundant resources coming from the black community, it is time for others to shine.

Missing

I messed up Davis and I really miss you, I think about you and sometimes it get really tough and frustrating, I am moving closer and I feel like all I had to do was just keep my mouth closed about how I was feeling and I would not be regretting this decision right now.

I miss you and I just want to see you and it hurts that what I said hurt you and put you in a position to where you can’t work with me anymore, I still miss you though.

Run to you

It’s 2018 and I am without a man or very much men in my life because they either walked away but the last one I drove away. All I can hear is 🎶 Run to you 🎶 by Whitney Houston and the tears seem to let go and I don’t know how to stop them. I messed up, and I don’t know, I don’t think it can be fix, ever.

Life has been so hurtful, no matter what I do, I have been thinking of you since we had to part ways and I don’t feel like I want to go on. I don’t know how to let you go, yet I have been so negligent, I have to and it’s hurt so much. I just want to be held so much but it’s time to walk away.

To the Counselor I let go of

I’m sorry, but I would have hurt you, asking me to accept things about myself, having no chance with you really hurt. It was the kind of hurt that I would never be good enough kind of hurt. It was just a long list added to the many things I have had to deal with people. Eric disappearing days on end, Randy talking over me, Daniel not talking really at all.

Just the clear cut bullshit that really sent me over the edge. I knew when I sent that email it was going to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from. Yet I had never been so relieved and at peace to actually say what I felt. So before things really got out of hand I had to let you go, it’s my fault and I own it.

There were things in my life that were not going to change, I will always have to struggle and I probably won’t really have any peace in my life and that I have come to peace with, I have not accepted.

I wanted deeper relationship with you that you were never going to give, even though I felt you should have. For a while I no longer felt safe around you because you had my life in your hands, you had a power that was not yours to have and I hated you for that, I resented that you could take and use against me, and I never felt that was helping.

I mourn for the fact that I will never see you again, and I feel that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s what’s important, every time I tried to take my hiv off the table you wouldn’t let me, I don’t care if I had to mutilate my body to be better change my quality of life. I am in so much pain I can’t commit suicide, I just exist like a corpse slowly going insane. How fair is that?

I am tired of being tired, having problems attach themselves on me. Maybe I should have just stayed on my antidepressant, then maybe you would have been none the wiser.

I am a self hating gay black man, who envies a straight life, who has to fight white people ideology from different walks of life across the board for what, to have no spaces left on earth to be happy, to be a part of a community I could do without, to still be that guy that no matter what, I see people better than me no matter what I accomplish and that tears me apart, to have so much anger that I don’t have room for much else.

That my pain is in my addiction, my medication, my skin color, and still I cower in pain and lament my existence, that I have to continue to hid and feel nothing but shame.

I would rather pay for sex then pay to be in a website where I have to reason with folks who don’t understand because they are not in my position, but I have to come to the ACCEPTANCE of things and people I can’t have.

Even after all of this I wish I could take it back, but I can’t and maybe one day you could forgive me for that hate and mean things I said to you. It would just be really disingenuous and I owe you more than that.

12-4-2017

It’s December, the year is on its way out and I still want to have sex with my counselor. Today I have to focus on getting insurance and there is stuff to do with that.

It’s just sometimes when I think about sex with my counselor, I feel like I want rough aggressive sex with him. I often feel weird about it because it feels like this whole tree of sexuality seems to branch off more and more. At times I can’t get it out of my head, also I have writers block so I want to move past that as best as possible.

I am still trying to figure out where I am at, and how to grow. I am at work and kinda feeling like I am losing my mind a bit. Sex feels like a mix of colors, at times when I would like it to be colors side by side, having some form of personal space. I really don’t have that, I feel things are still mixed and I don’t how to separate it.

Right now sex and gay feel like situations to get over and not really talk about. It’s hard to separate, this I have noticed, it’s hard to be honest about it.

It feels like I am a disappointment, connections are still based on masks and it bothers me from time to time.

Too small to succeed

Spiritually I always wanted to be great, I was younger and didn’t have the problems I have now, Life was somewhat simple, then I realized that I was never going to be the same and that I did not have confidence in myself, that I really felt less than and I stopped dreaming, stop wanting better because it was not going to get better. I just didn’t have any incentive to be something because I am not straight, it’s eluded me since I woke up to sexuality.

So yeah I have been a challenge, because any good I have done or could do, doesn’t mean much to me because I am not straight. It’s been a life long dream, and even though other people are happy with who they are and want to be, it’s not me. I wish it was, but it’s not, and I still have this massive disconnect in my life. It’s not whole and I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t know how to be happy because it just doesn’t fit my life, I feel like happiness is for straight people, a meaningful future is for straight people, so many things.

I have been so unhappy, in want of something better, I can’t take being near other people nowadays.

Sunday a day of rest

Hours after what I would call a break down, I realized that I have blessings, that I have things to look forward to and that and that my counselor has given me blessings all of the time and I have not realized it. I can be smart, I just often tend to be short sided.

He recently gave me a tool to better understand my sex addiction, it was humbling and accurate. I know I was embarrassed and ashamed because I read me to my core and I don’t think I was ready for that, but I bookmarked the info anyway.

I still have so much to work out, yet it is a reason to be thankful.

November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

In my feelings on a Monday

I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.

I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.

So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.

He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?

I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?

So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.

So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.

I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.

Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.

I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.

If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.

The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.

Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.

I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.

When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.