12-4-2017

It’s December, the year is on its way out and I still want to have sex with my counselor. Today I have to focus on getting insurance and there is stuff to do with that.

It’s just sometimes when I think about sex with my counselor, I feel like I want rough aggressive sex with him. I often feel weird about it because it feels like this whole tree of sexuality seems to branch off more and more. At times I can’t get it out of my head, also I have writers block so I want to move past that as best as possible.

I am still trying to figure out where I am at, and how to grow. I am at work and kinda feeling like I am losing my mind a bit. Sex feels like a mix of colors, at times when I would like it to be colors side by side, having some form of personal space. I really don’t have that, I feel things are still mixed and I don’t how to separate it.

Right now sex and gay feel like situations to get over and not really talk about. It’s hard to separate, this I have noticed, it’s hard to be honest about it.

It feels like I am a disappointment, connections are still based on masks and it bothers me from time to time.

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Too small to succeed

Spiritually I always wanted to be great, I was younger and didn’t have the problems I have now, Life was somewhat simple, then I realized that I was never going to be the same and that I did not have confidence in myself, that I really felt less than and I stopped dreaming, stop wanting better because it was not going to get better. I just didn’t have any incentive to be something because I am not straight, it’s eluded me since I woke up to sexuality.

So yeah I have been a challenge, because any good I have done or could do, doesn’t mean much to me because I am not straight. It’s been a life long dream, and even though other people are happy with who they are and want to be, it’s not me. I wish it was, but it’s not, and I still have this massive disconnect in my life. It’s not whole and I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t know how to be happy because it just doesn’t fit my life, I feel like happiness is for straight people, a meaningful future is for straight people, so many things.

I have been so unhappy, in want of something better, I can’t take being near other people nowadays.

Sunday a day of rest

Hours after what I would call a break down, I realized that I have blessings, that I have things to look forward to and that and that my counselor has given me blessings all of the time and I have not realized it. I can be smart, I just often tend to be short sided.

He recently gave me a tool to better understand my sex addiction, it was humbling and accurate. I know I was embarrassed and ashamed because I read me to my core and I don’t think I was ready for that, but I bookmarked the info anyway.

I still have so much to work out, yet it is a reason to be thankful.

November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

In my feelings on a Monday

I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.

I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.

So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.

He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?

I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?

So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.

So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.

I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.

Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.

I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.

If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.

The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.

Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.

I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.

When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.

Unforeseen changes

I was caught off guard when I found out the my “supervisor” in HR stopped working here as of today. It was a complete shock and, it felt like a bit of being betrayed, and even though I am single and a temp worker at this job, it put me in a bind because I have not even been hired, he approves my paycheck, and I am working on these projects and now he is absent.

What makes me really mad is that it always seems as though if your a family man of some kind that, I would have ventured that at times that would translate into work life. It makes me think of what am I doing and what is my leadership going to come from now that your gone. It also grinds me gears because I felt like wow I am connecting in a way with a person from HR, that challenged me in great ways to be better, it just feels like a serious let down because men are a complete let down and low and behold, it rings true. Well not all but, I just got ambushed and I am mad, I am really mad about this and I feel like how do I go forward and what happens if other folks want to check out at this job? Or the new HR person is a total monster, then what?

It always seems as though it’s an oh well type of situation, I am just so tired and aggravated about this whole thing, I am tired of having to make concessions for other people’s situation when they are low key making moves to roll on and I am hurt and over it.

My room

It’s been a wreck and now I am in here cleaning it, I would never understand why I would get so triggered when cleaning it, then it came to me, that I have not cleaned my room since I was asked to move out when I was seeing Randy, it never occurred that it hurt so much to pack up this entire space. That having all of this stuff every where was a sign that I was still here, still existing in this space.

Even though I am forced to clean it, I find it’s ok to do that, it has nothing to do with me leaving. Just healing an emotional wound that needs to be addressed and healed.

Today it just dawned on me after all of this time that, this is the reason why I need to move forward.

God is not trying to bless America you blood guilty hypocrites

If you think candles and singing God bless America is going to get you blessings and favors you have lost your damn mind.

Why would God want to bless a country who won’t lift a finger to quit murdering their own people and shrugging their shoulders about it. Guns are your idols and Gods, so who are you praying to, I know who it is, it’s the devil.

Your God is the NRA, and your hands are drenched in blood, you protect your god with all your might, and commit genocide in its name.

What business do any of you have to be out their to petition God for a blessing from this sin? 59 people died, 500+ people are injured. One man and a weapon that normal citizens have no business possessing.

No amount of candles or singing will wipe the blood off of any of you! To argue so hard to be so selfish to have every weapon that people can get their hands on has not worked, it has killed more people.

That’s how this works, break records, many dead bodies, debate, candles, pray, forget, and repeat.

People are monsters and it’s more apparent that race, and fear play a major role when it comes these issues. The bottom line is that guns are more important than people and that the second amendment is now more powerful than the first.

God and Jesus have left this country a long time ago, why would they want to help the people of the lands I reside on, when they have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.

Almost 30 sober

Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.

It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.

So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.