God is not trying to bless America you blood guilty hypocrites

If you think candles and singing God bless America is going to get you blessings and favors you have lost your damn mind.

Why would God want to bless a country who won’t lift a finger to quit murdering their own people and shrugging their shoulders about it. Guns are your idols and Gods, so who are you praying to, I know who it is, it’s the devil.

Your God is the NRA, and your hands are drenched in blood, you protect your god with all your might, and commit genocide in its name.

What business do any of you have to be out their to petition God for a blessing from this sin? 59 people died, 500+ people are injured. One man and a weapon that normal citizens have no business possessing.

No amount of candles or singing will wipe the blood off of any of you! To argue so hard to be so selfish to have every weapon that people can get their hands on has not worked, it has killed more people.

That’s how this works, break records, many dead bodies, debate, candles, pray, forget, and repeat.

People are monsters and it’s more apparent that race, and fear play a major role when it comes these issues. The bottom line is that guns are more important than people and that the second amendment is now more powerful than the first.

God and Jesus have left this country a long time ago, why would they want to help the people of the lands I reside on, when they have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.

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Almost 30 sober

Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.

It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.

So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.

Rest In Peace

Hayes

Found hung, it was a message I had to read from the mother of his daughter. So young so tender in years that she will never get to grow up with her father in her life. Life has been hard on him and have a record and getting past that is not easier either. It gets hard to hold back the tears and taking time out to say the things that needed to be said.

I feel this entire world failed him. We are always told to pull ourselves up, but let’s be honest, it’s against so many people and it’s too easy to give people a reason shut people down, force them to give up. I have never been in his position or wonder what was going on in his mind that death was the answer.

I understand it, when you get to a place that you would rather be dead than feel like you failed your child, maybe that was it, I don’t know because unfortunately I did not know him like that, I did not invest in him like I should have.

8/16/2017

There is so much craziness going on in the world.

Trump and his mouth

Trump has been vocal since Obama was president and now Trump has been looking very weak, and showing the very core nature of how he is and what he believes. I am not surprised when he comes out under duress to do something he does not want to do, if that is how he feels he should not have become president, he should have minded his own business and moved on.

He is officially the worst president in the history of this country and has made previously bad ones from 1 year to 8 years look better than previous. When history looks upon Trump I hope they see how his very nature further corrupted a country.

So this “both sides, many sides” rhetoric is trash. When these terrorist came out and started attacking people the night before they were about trouble like their predecessors, let’s be truthful, side by side comparison.

He bullied his way into office and showed the very savage nature that has been fostered in people for generations. He doesn’t look presidential he looks defeated and vacations way to much. Everyone who gets involved with him must be stressed and drinking because the amount of crowd control they do is titanic.

Charlottesville

All about a racist preservation of horrible ideology. Which seems to be the biggest oxymoron for when some Americans say that slavery is over that we’re past racial issues. You can’t be over something that still exists and is in your backyard. People died others were critically injured and for Trump to be in the office of presidency and won’t bring himself to not be corrupt or be a human being for one moment is something that all I can do is give the side eye emoji 😒 and roll on. It’s called “The United States of America” what part of that do people don’t understand 🤔?

People still talking about their views should still be heard, you loose that right when you come out like a mob of terrorist with tiki torches and chanting like they are ready for battle. Then the next morning they came out with guns, and shields and clubs and beat people, shot off tear gas, and also used a Dodge Charger to commit vehicular manslaughter. That right there alone tells me there is nothing that needs to be talked about. Everything dealing with the Confederate needs to go away and become a mute subject forever.

Hurt with consequences 

My therapist does not understand this yet, it’s ok, my spiritual life is all I have left and I have to make that work. There are no other options and I can’t get it into my head that they exist. It’s too painful to fall down, that’s what makes me want to hurt myself so much. The wiggle room does not exist, and frankly I don’t want it to, I try to stay out of people’s way, I am trying to turn into a person that could be a great husband some day, yet my niece and nephew think I hate them. I don’t I just don’t know how to manage kids, and when I look at my crap childhood I want them to have better because they should.

I am trying to get out of my own way and I have to sacrifice more than I have. It’s funny that I am a sex addict, and gay andnyet that same combination is killing me and now I am on the antidepressants to counterbalance that. Yet what my therapist does not see is that each time I fall, it buries me with a depression so thick so deep it’s hard to get out. 

I hate myself because this is a part of me and I desperately want to be better, all the way around. To have to burrow my feelings down as well. The absolute regret of all of the choices I have made over the past two years has brought me more pain than 10 years ago. It’s a hurt in my chest that feels bigger than myself at times. I am torn into places I shouldn’t be in and trying to live in the one space where my happiness exist in.

Trying hard not to be swallowed by a darkness I can’t fight alone.

Shown a better way

Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project. 

This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community. 

The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library. 

Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.

I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.

I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.

The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.

Emotions, know better

I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels. 

It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.

I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away. 

I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?

Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.

What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.