12/5/2017

I am back to that part of my medication where I am having problems sleeping, I stay up later than I want.

I hate those periods that I have to go through, they tend to be rough, well at least I am waiting but I have insurance now, medical at that while working as a temp.

Called Randy today, that was a mistake, he is still talking over me and expects me to do things for him, and that reminds me why I wanted him in Wisconsin, that was worth the pain and I don’t regret that.

I wish I had someone laying next to me, but the only thing next to me is my tablet. It’s a an alternative addiction but I still feel the grip of needing sex, from anyone I can get it from, I would want it from my counselor, but he will say no, or ignore my existence, and that hurts more, the fact he would just ignore me, like it’s a cool down period and then it will go away, I wish it were that easy.

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Sunday a day of rest

Hours after what I would call a break down, I realized that I have blessings, that I have things to look forward to and that and that my counselor has given me blessings all of the time and I have not realized it. I can be smart, I just often tend to be short sided.

He recently gave me a tool to better understand my sex addiction, it was humbling and accurate. I know I was embarrassed and ashamed because I read me to my core and I don’t think I was ready for that, but I bookmarked the info anyway.

I still have so much to work out, yet it is a reason to be thankful.

November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

Today I don’t know

You know when you get to that point in your life, when you want your life to be interesting, and you just don’t know where to go or how to get there?

I feel like I am at that place all over again. I still feel as though I am trying to find a better version of myself that is not wrapped up in sex, and I feel rejected inside and out. I feel like I am rejecting me and other people inside and out because of my insecurities. It hurts feeling as though I am standing still and nothing is right.

I feel like I just want to be left alone, that I want to just fade away. I feel like a really bad person just because of who I am and all of my life experiences and choices, and it sucks, it really sucks, when life as a whole had turned its back on you. That who you once were and who you are have never really been enough and I don’t know where to cut the cord.

I can’t be a part of people’s lives where I don’t fit and really shouldn’t be either, but I don’t feel like I have grown into the person I should be and feel, so I don’t feel I should be there either.

9/27/2017

If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.

I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.

Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.

Having a seriously down day

I bought a game I don’t care to play even though I want to, but I am to depressed to care. I am back in Arizona and it feels like everything I got away from  just happened to be waiting for me like a family reunion with a welcome home banner.

With that said my hate come back, and the hurt with it. I hate people who are married because it’s not me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or so vile that it’s not me, I hate the type of white gays who make the gay community unbearable to be associated with, their bullshit choice revolving around race. I hate myself some days for not being straight because I would have just had better options. I hate that it gets harder to wake up, that it gets harder to love myself or care just because I am alone and it has haunted me for such a long time and no one understands, I can’t just cope through it.

I have a sexual addiction that adds on to the stress in my life. I don’t feel Christian by a country mile and I want to. I am so angry I have never wanted to kill people more in my life for having things I want I need I crave…I fell like I can make someone happy, maybe I just ran out of time along time ago and I am on borrowed time.

I just…feel like I am back into that cycle of misery, and I just pray that at one point I will end. I have just been in the outside for so long it’s like being in the prison system and I don’t know how to adjust to life gay or straight, I just know and accept pain and dejection.

Text lastnight

Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you. 

I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.

I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.

I knew if I took you home I would touch you.

I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.

It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true. 

I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.

When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.

You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too. 

Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.

Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale. 

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.

Put humility on everything

There is really so much to learn, to take in and in this moment my emotions are wrecked. I sent an email to my therapist and the answer I got back was really not what I was looking for, it did not feel like it was what I needed, I just knew he was busy and I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

It took part of the morning to realize that it was really not displaying a humble attitude at all. I need to work better with my support system and get out what I am feeling. This past weekend turned out good, I had just felt so out of place. My heart and emotions feel off balance. I just regret my actions afterwards, I ‘am feeling like trash, all I had to do was keep going, the pills have been working I have been under control and I messed that up, that’s why I will have to work harder now to get some balance.

I have been in this continued cycle and I don’t feel good, I have no idea of what I am doing or still trying to accomplish. There are days that I really need to remember what I am trying to accomplish, to be better, sexually sober and not in these cycles. 

I need to be happy and appreciative that I can deal with myself with antidepressants, it’s better than how I was feeling and acting before hand, it was horrible, I just want to stop being and feeling horrible. I feel disconnected and real awful, it’s those moments that I question my existence, where I am going, if I’m getting any better. I have got to get off this path.

3/1/2017

I don’t know when, I don’t know how…

I look out of the narrow tall window 

Nothing to see but an empty space 

People that come in and out of view

Vehicles in and out in a single blink.

Hand through my hair, this smell unfamiliar 

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I touch my skin, is this even mine can it be mine

To breathe in to breathe out

Is it hope in depression out

Is it depression in hope out

Or is it all just covered over by anger

I think I forgot to know the difference.

When the mouth speaks words have meaning 

What I write is what I feel

What I say is what I feel

It’s an emotional deal.

It’s hard to think straight to not get swept down stream. 

I feel like I have been daydreaming 

Why am I in this hole

Who is that with the words sex written all over him

I am being buried by that same figure 

Of wait he looks like me

Smile child smile

The truth is up to your knees

If I hurry maybe I can finally climb out

It looks so far up, maybe it’s been in my head

The whole situation has always been just waist deep.

I could walk out at anytime.

The bodies, yes the bodies of my lust

Their grip is as strong as death 

They won’t be denied they won’t be deterred

They won’t stay buried 

They won’t return love

They corrupt my skin 

They corrupt my heart

They won’t die off they won’t stay down

They have all the strength in the world to drag me down.

Hands all over me, I feel no pain, I feel desire

I feel sick with lust in all the wrong places

This is my love sick, sex sick, addiction

That line between hot bodies and cold connections

Every time I say no I feel the hands

The long injection of lust, to feed to hunger

In my veins in goes

The light feels dimmer 

Almost buried alive lost and forgotten

My hand reaches out, can I claw out

To be continued…