Having a seriously down day

I bought a game I don’t care to play even though I want to, but I am to depressed to care. I am back in Arizona and it feels like everything I got away from  just happened to be waiting for me like a family reunion with a welcome home banner.

With that said my hate come back, and the hurt with it. I hate people who are married because it’s not me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or so vile that it’s not me, I hate the type of white gays who make the gay community unbearable to be associated with, their bullshit choice revolving around race. I hate myself some days for not being straight because I would have just had better options. I hate that it gets harder to wake up, that it gets harder to love myself or care just because I am alone and it has haunted me for such a long time and no one understands, I can’t just cope through it.

I have a sexual addiction that adds on to the stress in my life. I don’t feel Christian by a country mile and I want to. I am so angry I have never wanted to kill people more in my life for having things I want I need I crave…I fell like I can make someone happy, maybe I just ran out of time along time ago and I am on borrowed time.

I just…feel like I am back into that cycle of misery, and I just pray that at one point I will end. I have just been in the outside for so long it’s like being in the prison system and I don’t know how to adjust to life gay or straight, I just know and accept pain and dejection.

Text lastnight

Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you. 

I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.

I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.

I knew if I took you home I would touch you.

I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.

It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true. 

I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.

When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.

You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too. 

Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.

Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale. 

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.

Put humility on everything

There is really so much to learn, to take in and in this moment my emotions are wrecked. I sent an email to my therapist and the answer I got back was really not what I was looking for, it did not feel like it was what I needed, I just knew he was busy and I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

It took part of the morning to realize that it was really not displaying a humble attitude at all. I need to work better with my support system and get out what I am feeling. This past weekend turned out good, I had just felt so out of place. My heart and emotions feel off balance. I just regret my actions afterwards, I ‘am feeling like trash, all I had to do was keep going, the pills have been working I have been under control and I messed that up, that’s why I will have to work harder now to get some balance.

I have been in this continued cycle and I don’t feel good, I have no idea of what I am doing or still trying to accomplish. There are days that I really need to remember what I am trying to accomplish, to be better, sexually sober and not in these cycles. 

I need to be happy and appreciative that I can deal with myself with antidepressants, it’s better than how I was feeling and acting before hand, it was horrible, I just want to stop being and feeling horrible. I feel disconnected and real awful, it’s those moments that I question my existence, where I am going, if I’m getting any better. I have got to get off this path.

3/1/2017

I don’t know when, I don’t know how…

I look out of the narrow tall window 

Nothing to see but an empty space 

People that come in and out of view

Vehicles in and out in a single blink.

Hand through my hair, this smell unfamiliar 

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I touch my skin, is this even mine can it be mine

To breathe in to breathe out

Is it hope in depression out

Is it depression in hope out

Or is it all just covered over by anger

I think I forgot to know the difference.

When the mouth speaks words have meaning 

What I write is what I feel

What I say is what I feel

It’s an emotional deal.

It’s hard to think straight to not get swept down stream. 

I feel like I have been daydreaming 

Why am I in this hole

Who is that with the words sex written all over him

I am being buried by that same figure 

Of wait he looks like me

Smile child smile

The truth is up to your knees

If I hurry maybe I can finally climb out

It looks so far up, maybe it’s been in my head

The whole situation has always been just waist deep.

I could walk out at anytime.

The bodies, yes the bodies of my lust

Their grip is as strong as death 

They won’t be denied they won’t be deterred

They won’t stay buried 

They won’t return love

They corrupt my skin 

They corrupt my heart

They won’t die off they won’t stay down

They have all the strength in the world to drag me down.

Hands all over me, I feel no pain, I feel desire

I feel sick with lust in all the wrong places

This is my love sick, sex sick, addiction

That line between hot bodies and cold connections

Every time I say no I feel the hands

The long injection of lust, to feed to hunger

In my veins in goes

The light feels dimmer 

Almost buried alive lost and forgotten

My hand reaches out, can I claw out

To be continued…

February 27, 2017

The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.

I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.

I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.

At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.

So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself. 

It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.

1/30/2017

I have wondered why everyone seemingly is an amateur pornstar nowadays. The internet is flooded with everyone’s naked bodies. Then I started to wonder, is this effecting how people socialize and date in our era. Friends I talk to who have dated are single and have been that way for some time, like myself I just don’t feel as though I am finding quality men around I feel like everyone is trying to become a break out Star with their bodies. There is no problem when it comes to two consenting adults putting their business out there, that’s their choice. 

Every time is see these post on twitter they have wishlists of things to buy for these people and my money is important to me, they don’t take requests but they will take your money, and at that, you don’t really get to know these individuals. I feel as though since we have gotten to this tech boom that it’s advanced so far that we are swept up in it. It’s sad to say I don’t know what’s more comfortable, knowing I am not alone into single life or that it’s going to get harder to find quality men who are not about that life.

I am on an antidepressant, I feel it’s going to lift this deep fog that has been in my life, help me get a better handle on my sex addiction, and my life in general. I some what feel it because I am questioning my motivations for feeling the way I currently do. I don’t think this is something with people and a general over sexualize society that will slow down or go away, I wonder how we safely navigate and separate ourselves from this advanced era of sexual attention.

I used to think that stigma in the LGBT community was getting worse and in some ways it is, but in other ways men being gay being open being sexualized is expanding, everywhere. It’s growing, so what do I want? One guy one relationship, and the focus being on us not about everything else in it.

Sex at 33

Sex is different now not with the want or need but more of who is a right fit and how do I look at sex now. Am I still looking for a partner or a smash and go?

I wonder if I can handle one, will I get in the way of what I want and need? There have been a very few men who left an actual impression with me, that really needs to change and I feel like I need to change as well not because it’s a new year, it’s because I know I am simply not satisfied with where I am at in life.

What am I looking for what do I need? For instance I think about having sex with my therapist semi regularly, at times I wonder why, it gets me to slow down and reason, when I talk to my therapist, when I can be open and talk and have an one ended exchange that has non of his personal business to some small effect out there, I still feel heard and safe so I come to the conclusion we’re not haveing sex, our sessions are of an open and intimate nature that it gives me security that I don’t have in my life, that has been lacking and that’s what my therapist means to me, that’s how it translates due to my sexual addiction. 

Also it changes me mood someone I could not wait to have sex with getting to know them at times killed my mood to have sex with them and that’s sad, cause that makes me look at the fact if I can successfully move past sex and strive for a relationship.

Stop promoting

Gay men fetishizing straight encounters

I have been in this situation that I have been giving oral to this guy who watches straight porn to get off and to be honest the more I think about that, it feels like it’s for show, cause he is not hard until I get him there, he doesn’t jerk to get hard he isn’t even hard when I get there I my mouth does all of the work. I thought that when we texted back and forth things would have moved in a different direction. I was so stupid, so very very stupid. I am back in the game where I give and don’t get a thing out of it, and it’s ridiculous and what’s more why as gay men this is the standard of the gay life, giving yourself to straight people who have other options that are not us.

Going in prepared

The fact that I was under the impression I was really getting laid hurt even more when after I got him off he checked his phone and said I had to go his roommate was coming, he did say something about Friday, yet I won’t hold my breathe, damn it I shaved downstairs to get some dick and got blown off just because he got what he wanted and I am sick to death of it, and I need to grow more this is not going to be the norm in my life and I should just steer clear of guys they cause so much absolute trouble I don’t know what to say.

Living my Truth: The desire of men

Where to begin…

There is always a coming out story a context to the history, I was one of those children who knew to much for being young, things I wanted to understand. It’s that very journey that led me to ask such questions as, why aren’t men exposed in the same context as women? Why I felt more than the usual need to share a bed with another guy when I was younger and it wasn’t looked at in a bad context that it would be today. 

Your eyes open…

To the possibility where I started to connect the dots of where my life was going and how to protect myself in situations that I never understood could cause problems for others, if the fact I like guys came out. When I look at my coming out years down the road, it was nearly traumatic for me and embarrassing because I was pretty much got into a situation to where I got myself outs and then my family knew my business, that was not fun, I did not feel empowered, I may not have been kicked out but I had never felt more exposed in my life then at that moment, I felt like I had done something wrong, and with the fighting between my parents I wasn’t supposed to tell my mother but I did anyway, cause you know…lying and all, that still haunts me, that I lived life like that, to be molded by darkness.

Sex is always…

A welcomed part of discussion, I never get enough of it, reading about it, talking about it viewing it, participating in it. Yet I want to be complete in that monogamous setting, I may be a man but I daydream what I feel to be the most thought provoking sexual scenarios. There is something about closing my eyes and just setting my body temp on high making every erotic touch and every captivating taste trigger a person, it’s not just about me, I want you to want me because I can do and keep learning to do things sexual, that is really shallow and there is more to that, I maybe an adult but there are days I feel emotionally abused, so it’s easy to give parts of me that I don’t feel sacred anymore, I should and I want to feel sacred, I am still working on connecting all of the lines of my life.

Men…

When I think men I have a type, but I have to be careful, more for myself than my therapist, he is not aware that years back there was a therapist that was working at my job and I was really attracted to him, we talked he was white tall bald married and had kids, there was just something about him being so emotionally put together emotionally secure in himself that I could not fight what I felt for him, eventually he left and I always felt horrible for it, even if I had nothing to do with him leaving he did and it broke me, it hurt for a good long while, not being able to see him, a man who in my opinion was a gladiator who could conquer and save, and I have wanted to be conquered and saved by him. Since that time it has changed and to a degree I have felt this same way about others, but I had to be to fulfill the roll.

That’s why with my current therapist I don’t want him to feel that I have projected some of those same feelings in his direction it’s a weird thing I do, I guess looking for opportunity, and to add on that list I have a problem with vulnerability more than I should be and it’s hard to know what to let go of.

Now things are…

Mixed up in my hiv univers which is another layer to everything who will give me a shot and will I get twisted up into so much jaded insecurities that I drive people away? How I wish I was a child all over again wishing to grow up all over again, and missing some of the simple things in life, like being a child, growing up. I grew up all wrong and way to fast, I try not tire out to change that and make things better to not be attracted to seductive dangerous things. Worst of all I like how it makes me feel how comfortable I am with it. So what do I do? How can I rise above it and make my way successful?